Culture shock comes in so many different forms.
For one Redditor, it came in the form of an abrupt interruption during a relaxing afternoon. She explained what happened in a post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as toplestAita on the site, shared the key details right in the title.
"AITA for refusing to put on my top while I was sunbathing in front of my friends?"
First, OP and her friends were all in agreement.
"So this past weekend me and my friends wanted to hang out one more time before finals and the holidays."
"We live in a very warm part of the country where it's essentially summer so we went to my friends big house to spend the weekend and use her pool."
"2 of the guys in my friend group invited their girl friends. In total there were 4 ladies and 3 men."
Then came some foreshadowing.
"I'm not a Native American. I only have lived in the US for the past 3 years and I'm still learning some things about the country and what's acceptable and what's not here."
"So I wanted to just sunbathe a little before joining in on the pool. During which I took off my bikini top."
"In my home country there isn't really an issue with women wanting to sun bathe topless."
"I didn't think it was obscene or inappropriate and honestly I'm not particularly well endowed so I didn't think I was too attention grabbing."
For awhile, all seemed chill.
"I was on my stomach first and then switched to my back. I don't think I was being stared at but I had my eyes closed most of the time."
"Whenever I did open them, no one was focused on me."
But then there was a turn.
"About 10 minutes in, the two invited guests came up to me."
"If they had just said, 'hey I don't feel comfortable with you being topless around my partner could you please put on your top' I would have done it."
"But what she did was drop my top on my stomach and say that I need to 'put my breasts away in front of her man.'"
OP was struck by what happened next.
"Now because I thought she was just being rude for no reason as I didn't know I was being un normal, I said no."
"Then she said, 'I don't know what they do in France (I'm not even French) but here, most women don't parade themselves around like this unless they are a whore.'"
Of course, there was more than a little back and forth after that.
"So I got mad and an argument ensued."
"Their boyfriends came to break it up and my friend pulled me to the side and explained to me that this wasn't typical in the US and the guys had been looking at me a lot. So I put back on my top."
"Now the boyfriends are trying to get me apologize, which I don't think I should, and think I was being a jerk."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors offered up a variety of responses.
Many said there was blame on both sides.
"ESH"
"You've been here 3 years and you've not figured out that sunbathing nude in a group setting is not the norm in the US unless all parties agreed? By now you should have enough information about the culture to know that's not the norm here."
"The way the people expressed their dislike for nude sunbathing was just trashy and inappropriate." -- No-Policy-4095-
"ESH Three years is enough time to figure out the cultural norms of a new place. If you were unsure, even when everyone else kept their tops on, you could have asked. You knew it would cause a problem and then, once it did, you escalated it by arguing"
"They could have asked nicely and not called you names, it didn't need to go to that level. They were rude"
"The dudes also suck for openly ogling you and demanding an apology."-- lilymoscovitz
"ESH. Any nudity that's beyond the cultural norm of a situation should be consented to from the people you're with, but they were rude about how they handled it and the guys shouldn't have ogled you.
"Also, Y T A for saying 'I'm not particularly well-endowed so I wasn't too attention-grabbing' - can people who post in here about boobs stop acting like women with small ones don't get checked out too? We definitely do." -- CharlieFiner
Others weren't so patient with OP.
"YTA - you've lived in a country for three years and haven't picked up that it's not the social norm? No matter what the polite thing to do is ask if people are comfortable" -- CarelessCow2599
"YTA it does NOT take a lot of awareness to realise where bare breasts are acceptable and where they are not. Even when you were told directly you decided that you knew better." -- PattersonsOlady
"YTA They were rude, but that's not what you asked about. You were wrong for refusing: when someone doesn't consent to seeing your body, or part of it, you respect that (even if they are a**holes)."
"Furthermore, I live in Europe, and we don't go to people houses, notice no one is showing their breasts and think 'there is no way this could make these people I don't know well uncomfortable, it's definitely not worth asking before I take my clothes off.' "
"That doesn't happen, please stop pretending it does you are confusing the Americans." -- theamazinglula
"When I lived in Europe, people went to other people's houses and women took off their tops all the time... NOT! Learn to read a room. YTA" -- Chickenmel
But plenty came to OP's defense.
"NTA. The way she talked to you was rude and unnecessary. If anyone has a problem with you being topless, it's not that hard to simply say 'Could you put your top back on please?' without being a jerk about it and using slutshaming language." -- MissJunipurr
"NTA- she was uncomfortable that her boyfriend was sexualising your body. She could have easily told the idiot to look away but clearly they are both idiots."
"Does she really think you suddenly covering up is going to change the fact that he didn't have enough respect for her to not ogle you so intensely that she felt the need to intervene??" -- saffron25
"It's just Americans being American, they are fine with mass shootings but a woman's breasts are far too dangerous to see."
"Definitely NTA." -- bertiebastard
"NTA Americans in general are extremely Conservative about women's bodies. Sorry you had to learn this the hard way. Some Americans even think bikinis are too 'slutty'." -- MuadougieJones
With such wide-ranging viewpoints coming from the peanut gallery, OP will have to sift through it all to decide who she'll handle the next pool outing.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.