High school.
No one ever really seems to escape.
That particular part of life leaves a haunting.
It doesn't matter where you sat in the hierarchy, it follows.
Case in point...
Redditor Wooden-Lion6192 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for taking what I believed to be a bullying issue to HR about a girl I went to high school with?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (28 F[emale]) work for a company of around 50 employees."
"Recently a girl was hired who was in the same grade as me in high school."
"She did not bully me or anyone else in any which way, but was definitely higher on the social hierarchy than me."
"And was one of those people who then essentially ignored everyone below her."
"Kind of looking visibly annoyed when paired with you for an assignment etc."
"I never liked her because of this because although it’s not bullying, it still makes you a teenage a**hole (in my opinion)."
"When she joined I knew I just needed to be an adult and a professional and not bring this dislike forward."
"I treated her completely normally, was particularly friendly and of course it was known we went to high school together."
"However soon, after a few weeks, it became apparent to me that she had been repeatedly telling our coworkers that I was 'soooo different' to how I used to be at school."
"If asked to go in to detail, she would say that I used to be really shy and quiet."
"I fully understand that she did not know me, and that may have been her perception of me."
"But I am exactly the same person as I was then (update: of course having matured and changed slightly, but no dramatic changes)."
"If you knew me you’d know that."
"I wouldn’t mind if she’d said this once as a 'huh, I guess she’s more extroverted that I thought.'"
"But she keeps repeating it to everyone who will hear."
"To me at this point, based on what I’ve been told by coworkers, I feel like she’s trying to make the point that I wasn’t cool."
"And she’s using coded language to imply that without actually saying it."
"I pulled her to one side and I asked her why she was making so many comments about how I’d changed, when she didn’t know me in the first place."
"And I would appreciate it if she would stop."
"She said that I’m overreacting."
"And that although she didn’t know me that well, I was obviously an introvert then and she’s allowed to be surprised by the difference."
"She's kept on doing it over several months so now I’ve made an official complaint to H[uman] R[esources] who don’t think it’s a huge deal but have spoken to her telling her it’s making me feel uncomfortable."
"She has now called me an a**hole for reporting her and having something on her record, and for making her feel uncomfortable at her new workplace."
"She also said that I’m the only one who’s holding onto how things were in high school, as I was and must still be jealous of her and am now taking my revenge."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. But barely."
"And only because you asked her to stop before you went to HR."
"Your memories of high school are definitely playing a role here (don't kid yourself otherwise)."
"I think your assessment of 'coded language' is just your hostile intent bias."
"But that doesn't matter."
"Your request that she stop talking about you like that was perfectly reasonable."
"She kept on doing it anyways."
"HR did the right thing here by not making a huge deal and instead just asking her to stop." ~ bitwisewahoo
"I think when she said that 'you are still jealous,' she really exposed herself."
"She thought in high school that she was better than OP and she still does."
"These things are not in OP's head." ~ TheDangerousAlphabet
"Yes! It almost sounds like new girl is trying to recreate the high school hierarchy."
"At first I was thinking it was in OPs head but based on new girls reaction to you asking her to stop I don’t think you are over-reacting here."
"Proceed with caution."
"Do not let her get a rise out of you."
"Next time she’s telling someone how much you’ve changed I would say something like 'Wow why are so obsessed with me since you got here?'"
"Or even 'Hasn’t everyone changed since high school?'"
"If she keeps going with 'your change' maybe add 'from what I recall we weren’t close in high school so how would you really know' loud enough for everyone else to hear."
"Obviously they’ve all heard about how much you’ve changed so it should be old news at this point."
"Play her game right back so your fellow coworkers can see that she’s a s**t starter."
"Just don’t lose your cool while you do it." ~ saltyeleven
"Yeah I was initially leaning on OP being TA."
"But the fact that she kept talking about for months after OP told her to stop makes this a subtle form of bullying and was right to take it to HR. NTA." ~ 4csurfer
"She's also repeatedly gossiping about OP during work hours and blatantly judging OP's past and present personality traits."
"This girl is definitely stuck in a high school dynamic."
"And that only flies in corporations where the entire culture is also immature and unprofessional."
"OP needs to keep HR's focus on the fact she is gossiping about OP at work, and not on the specific subject of this round of gossip." ~ Lycoris
"I agree about the hostile intent bias but commenting about how someone was in high school for MONTHS is not normal."
"So even OP has bias there is something wrong with the new girl."
"People gossip in the office yes but usually about present events and don't drag out what happened 10 years ago so often and for so long."
"So full NTA and finally someone here who went to HR." ~ National-Platypus144
"I'm not sure in what universe you think it's okay for someone who isn't the friend of someone to walk around and bring up their high school past, especially at work."
"A good friend? Maybe to probably not."
"Someone you didn't even know? 100% No."
"NTA and she did the right thing, no 'but barely.'" ~ AvadaCaCanteven
"NTA. At all. I don’t agree with the 'barely' part here."
"She was feeling uncomfortable."
"Talked to the person making her feel uncomfortable in a reasonable way."
"Said person dismissed her feelings and kept on doing what was making her uncomfortable."
"So she goes to HR."
"HR speaks to the person (logical)."
"Person freaks out on her and escalated the situation."
"I think OP is well within her right to make a second report to HR that the coworker called her an a**hole for this." ~ SeaSystem5110
"But if we take the story at face value, didn't this girl basically refuse to let go of high school by constantly talking to co-workers about OP in high school?"
"Then when reported gaslighted OP about not letting go?"
"OP literally said she decided not to do or say anything because she acknowledged people change."
"Frankly there is a bunch of people from high school I would not be thrilled about working with."
"But it was a long time ago and I can manage to be professional without mentioning how people were kinda shitty as kids."
"The woman in this story needs to grow up." ~ jassi007
"She's gossiping and making comments about you."
"You politely asked her to stop, because it makes you uncomfortable. That's fine."
"She decided to continue despite now knowing you're uncomfortable."
"That's no longer ignorance."
"It's malicious. So you're NTA."
"If she confronts you again, remind her that you asked her to stop, and she chose not to."
'If she continues, you will continue to update HR on the progression in your collegial relationship." ~ JemimaAslana
OP had an update...
"A few people have criticized me for not giving more details of what she's said and instead using the comments, but I honestly didn't have space in the post to go into details."
"I have detailed an instance to a client in one comment and will detail one more..."
"At the pub after work, someone brought up a sex toy (this is actually somewhat relevant to our work and not too unprofessional, I promise)."
"I mentioned I had the sex toy (again, promise this isn't as unprofessional as it sounds)."
"The person sat next to this girl heard her gasp and then laugh to herself."
"The coworker asked what was up, and she replied 'Oh nothing, it's just so weird, oh ignore me...'"
"'Just if you knew what she was like before you'd understand why it's funny.... oh nevermind.'"
"I couldn't hear any of this."
"The coworker told me because he interpreted that as her making a dig that she couldn't imagine me being sexually active."
"I hope that makes sense that she never says anything too bad, but it's usually the context that makes it so."
Well OP, Reddit gets where you're coming from.
At least HR has a record.
Hopefully you and your co-worker can come to an understanding.
A peaceful work environment is the healthiest.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.