Content Warning: Grief, Parent Death
Relationships develop in all sorts of ways and can come out of the darkest of times, even while processing tremendous amounts of grief.
But those tough times should be something that brings the couple together, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Rzertis had recently started dating his girlfriend, who was his godfather’s daughter, and they had both struggled with processing his death.
But when he found out that his girlfriend not only resented him for his godfather’s death but also was cheating on him, the Original Poster (OP) thought it was time to end the relationship.
He asked the sub:
“WIBTA if I break up with my girlfriend when her dad died because of me?”
The OP’s godfather passed away in a tragic accident.
“Her (19 Female) dad was my (20 Male) godfather.”
“When I was eight, I really wanted this brand-new toy that my parents wouldn’t buy for me. They said it was too expensive.”
“He drove to the mall to go buy it for me and was killed in a car accident on the way back.”
The OP and his godfather’s daughter grew close.
“I started dating her last year when we were 18 and 19.”
“I thought she was the one for me: funny, kind, and someone who I have common interests with. She made me feel really special.”
“But then she cheated on me with another guy.”
The OP was shocked by his girlfriend’s reaction to him viewing cheating as a deal breaker.
“When I told her I’m ending it, she just mumbled, ‘My dad is dead because of you and now you’re leaving me.'”
“It just really rattled me. I don’t know what to do about it right now.”
“She said I should be decent enough to give her a second time after the pain I caused her family.”
“Would I be an a**hole for ending our relationship?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his godfather’s death was not his fault.
“NTA.”
“First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you, both the cheating and your godfather getting into an accident that cost him his life.”
“None of this is your fault OP. The cheating is on her. And her father losing his life was an accident. I would suggest therapy. Leave your girlfriend, she cheated on you. To be honest, you didn’t leave her, she left you the moment she cheated.”
“Go into therapy to deal with the guilt you are feeling. If you still feel responsible after 11 years, you need it.”
“And again, none of this is your fault.” – Orphen_1989
“He didn’t die because of you. That’s just bulls**t.”
“The fact that was in her mind is already pretty damning for her and your relationship. The fact that she used her own dad’s death as a get-out-of-cheating-free card is next-level f**ked up.”
“Leave. This relationship has nowhere to go but down from here, and is already in a bad place.” – zendetta
“NTA. Below is the only response I’d offer, then cut off all contact:”
“‘Your dad died doing something kind and generous for me. And although I did nothing to cause his death, I will shoulder some guilt for the rest of my life. You, on the other hand, in cheating on me willingly did something intentionally painful to me. And even now, wish to manipulate your dad’s generous actions and tragic death to somehow offset your hurtful deceit.'”
“‘I have to wonder how proud such a generous man would be in having his memory tainted by your s**tty behavior. We are done. Don’t try to use your dad’s tragedy to somehow manipulate your s**tty behavior. He deserves better.'” – Longjumping-Many4082
“No dude, she’s trying to manipulate you by shifting blame and responsibility.”
“You didn’t kill her dad, he died in an accident, you weren’t driving the other car, you weren’t there. The only correlation to you was he was doing something nice for you because he loved you.”
“I’m sorry your ex-girlfriend is too immature and irresponsible to realize this is the consequence of her actions.”
“Don’t fall for her s**t. Her father would be so disappointed in his daughter right now, I guarantee it.” – realistSLBwithRBF
“Break up with her immediately son. This woman will make your life a living h**l; in fact, she has already started on her journey of doing so. She will not stop cheating on you, using her father’s death as an excuse.”
“From the way you speak of her father, he was a loving and kind man, and he would NOT approve of his daughter’s behavior towards you. She may have only gotten with you to punish you for a crime you did not commit, you were only eight years old for goodness sake! In no way are you responsible for his death.” – Fickle_Ad8129
“NTA. You are breaking up with her because she cheated on you. That’s it.”
“She is using the accident that took her father as a ‘get out of jail free’ card, and if you let her manipulate you with it now, she will do it again. And again.”
“You need to tell her, ‘I’m leaving you because you cheated on me. You cannot hold me here guilty over something I had no control over.'”
“She needs to learn that actions have consequences. You had no control over the accident that took her father. She had complete control over sleeping with someone else. There is no comparison between the two.”
“End it cleanly, not cruelly, and move forward. Good luck.” – blondheartedgoddess
“NTA. Her dad is NOT dead because of you. Her dad is dead because of an accident. It sucks, but whoever was at fault for the accident is the person responsible. You were a child and had no say in what happened.”
“Yes, you wanted a toy, and he was kind enough to go and buy it for you. That does not put the responsibility for his death on you. At all.”
“She cheated on you, and the consequence is you breaking up with her. That is completely a valid thing for you to do. Her saying you’re responsible for her dad’s death is not a valid response for why you should give her another chance.”
“If she is going to use that to manipulate you into not leaving her when she broke your trust, she will use it all the time because she will know that she can manipulate you by saying that. Leave her, she’s clearly not the great person you thought she was.” – Virtual_Bat_9210
“Wow. NTAH.”
“You absolutely should leave… if not for the cheating, then the way she’s trying to manipulate you. Her dad made a decision… and an accident occurred, and he lost his life.”
“If it’s your fault… then it’s also your parents’ fault for not being willing to buy the toy… and the toy manufacturer for making the toy something that you’d want…. and the truck driver who delivered the toy to the store…. and the oil company for producing gas to allow for merchandise to be shipped to the store…. and on and on it goes.”
“It’s all nonsense, of course. We all have to be responsible for our own decisions. The only people responsible are those who were involved in the accident directly.”
“You need to get away from her… put her in the rearview mirror and don’t look back. She will forever use that to manipulate you. You don’t deserve that.” – Crazy_Canuck78
“Can we reemphasize that? IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! From the wording of your question, it seems you feel a little responsible, and you really shouldn’t. It was a horrible, tragic accident… I don’t know if either driver was to blame, but I know you are not, OP, so if there’s any guilt, let it go for your own good… and dump this cheating, manipulative no good girlfriend right now.” – frenchois1
Others urged him to leave the relationship because of how his girlfriend was treating him.
“NTA. You’ve done the right thing by ending it. Your girlfriend is a cheat, and her comment blaming you for her dad’s death is abusive behavior.”
“Run and don’t look back.” – DriverAlternative958
“For her to bring it up to get out of cheating is disgusting! She either was saving it to use against him or started dating him to cause him pain as some sort of misguided revenge. Either way, he’s better off without her. NTA.” – ZeldaMayCry
“And then she’ll keep using it as an excuse for everything until the end of her days, and OP will have lived a miserable life.”
“OP leave now, don’t look back and cut them all off for a while. The accident was NOT your fault, maybe some therapy will help you come to terms with it and ease your guilt. NTA.” – snappyhappylurker
“NTA. Her dad dying wasn’t your fault. The accident killed him regardless. She’s probably going to use this to manipulate you; the first red flag was cheating, and the second was her vile excuse for it. She’ll only use this against you again and again. I’d leave her too.” – WealthCommercial5677
“She is manipulative, and if she really blamed you for her dad’s death, she wouldn’t have considered dating you at all. She gets that you are sensitive to the situation, and when she can gaslight you, she will.”
“She cheated, she broke your trust, and now she can say her mea culpa and accept your decision. No need to keep going down this path. Stay fast on the breakup and NTA.” – New-Principle-9145
“She cheated. The manipulation is at least the second red flag!”
“You didn’t cause anything. You were a literal child! What happened is tragic but it isn’t your fault and you don’t need to allow anyone to treat you like trash because of it, especially not someone who is supposed to love you.”
“NTA.” – SeePerspectives
“NTA. Her dad died because of an accident, not because a child wanted a toy and he wanted to give it to that child.”
“She’ll keep on cheating and throwing that in your face. Bail.” – Tuga_Lissabon
“If she thinks that way about him, like he owes her something, she’ll continue to treat him any kind of way. It’s gross to use somebody’s death to excuse cheating. NTA, OP.” – NoTeacher9563
“NTA. She’s dishonoring her dad’s legacy.”
“Get out, kid, and stay out.”
“His death had absolutely nothing to do with you. Car accidents happen. My wife got put into a coma for two weeks because of one. I very nearly lost her, inches from death. She was coming back from visiting her family.”
“I didn’t blame her family for what happened even as she lay in her hospital bed, completely unresponsive.”
“S**t happens; sometimes we get out from under it, and sometimes we don’t. I am sorry that her family and you didn’t, but it is absolutely not your fault.”
“And she is incredibly cruel for saying what she did.” – Far-Obligation4055
“NTA.”
“First off, his death was not your fault at all.”
“Second, if she is harboring that view of you…she will justify any treatment of you. She will justify cheating and abuse…and if you ever stand up for yourself, she will respond the same.”
“Don’t accept anything less than good treatment from anyone. Make sure you treat them well and give as you want to receive.”
“Has she had therapy about her dad? Does she hold you to blame? You were a little kid. The dad was driving to the shop… where he was going doesn’t matter. Any more than if he was picking her up from school or going to his job.”
“I am sorry she treated you so poorly; that is on her. Her actions her choice.” – squirleysquirrel
The subReddit felt terrible for what the OP was going through, and they felt that the only real solution was the one the OP had already attempted, which was to end the relationship.
It was clear that his girlfriend wrongfully resented him for her father’s death, but some felt that she was specifically dating him to get back at him, or at least would use her father’s death to get out of anything that the OP might not agree with, like her cheating.
This was one instance where coming together out of tragedy, even years later, was not a recipe for a steadfast relationship but rather a very toxic and potentially codependent one.