A major step in any relationship is when the couple decides it's time for them to meet each other's parents and extended families.
It admittedly can be really hard to keep the relationship going, though, if their parents don't approve or try to take control of the couple's involvement, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor SprinkleGlitter7 had been happily dating her partner for six months and decided to surprise him during a special date night at his place, only for their plans to change when his mother made a surprise appearance at his apartment.
When she went into his room to change out of her surprise outfit, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his mother not only barged into the room but shamed her for what she was wearing on what was originally going to be a private date night.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for showing up to my boyfriend's house to a "family dinner" in lingerie?"
The OP had a fun plan for her date night in with her boyfriend.
"My boyfriend (35) and I (29) have been dating for 6 months."
"On Friday night, we made plans to have a date night in. I was going to go over, we planned on making dinner together, and watching movies, and I was to spend the night."
"On Thursday, I had some holiday shopping to do. While shopping after work and saw some cute lingerie, I thought I'd surprise my boyfriend with it on Friday night so I bought it."
"Friday after work I took a shower, did my hair, and makeup, and got dressed. It's pretty cold where we live so I put on some knee-high boots, the lingerie, and a knee-length coat only, lol (laughing out loud). And then I headed to my boyfriend's apartment."
But her boyfriend's mother had other ideas.
"He gave me a key recently so I used it to get in, since he knew I was coming over and had plans together. To my surprise, when I got there, he was not alone; his mom was in from out of state."
"This was my first time meeting her. My boyfriend and his mom kept telling me to take off my jacket, but I couldn't because all I was wearing was lingerie."
"After I couldn't say no any longer, the only thing I could come up with was to ask my boyfriend if he could give me my sweatpant set I keep at his apartment because I was so cold."
"When we got into his room, he asked me why I was being so weird about my jacket and why I wouldn't take it off."
"When I told him, he busted out laughing. I did as well, to be fair, and he told me he was sorry about his mom, but she came in out of state on a surprise visit."
"After recovering from the laughter, my boyfriend (well, being a guy) said, 'Can I at least see it before you change?' I let him because that was the whole point…"
The boyfriend's mother also didn't have a strong sense of privacy.
"He walked over to kiss me, and while he was kissing me, his mom opened the door and lost it."
"Apparently, we were 'taking too long' and she 'just had a question.' I was really put-off, like, can't you knock? I have never walked into a room with a closed door without knocking."
"It was five minutes max. He has a one-bedroom apartment, and I was just telling him why I would not take my jacket off."
"I got the feeling that she simply didn't like the fact that he went into the room with me, but we are grown-ups, so the whole interaction with her rubbed me the wrong way."
"She started calling me a wh**e and screaming about me f**king her son in her face."
"My boyfriend was angry and started yelling at her as well about her being unfair and not knocking on the door before opening it."
"Needless to say, meeting her went terribly. My boyfriend kicked his mom out, and I feel so bad about the whole thing."
"So am I the a**hole? The ONLY reason I sort of feel like the a**hole is because of the issue and riff between my boyfriend and his mom now. I don't really know what else I personally could have done differently, though; it's not like I knew she was going to visit on our date night!"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this situation was hilarious, if also initially mortifying.
"Straight up, I can tell you his mom will never change. She might show signs of it, but her core s**ttiness will always be a dark cloud over your relationship, just threatening to storm. If you two ever get married, going no contact is a thing. It's encouraging that his initial response was to defend you."
"My wife and I had no contact with her mother. Our relationship and her mental health only saw benefits." - SorryForMyName
"NTA. You are both fully grown. She has no business opening the door when she knows a couple went in there (not that you were having sex, just that clearly there's a private convo going on)."
"My son is 17, so we're not quite there ish (well, not to ladies in lingerie surprising him at his own house), but to me, this would just be hilarious. Like preferably, it wouldn't happen, but if it did, I would be worried about the girl and that she would be mortified and maybe could never look me in the face again."
"I'd profusely apologize, tell you everything was totally fine, and to get changed, and let's eat. And at your age, I would be hoping this was the hilarious way I met my DIL (Daughter-in-Law), who is clearly an attentive girlfriend! I'd be more excited by the fact you had a key to the apartment than I would be shocked that a grown woman is having sex with my son."
"He was right to kick her out. She needs better boundaries. All in all, you know your boyfriend will stick up for you, so that's a win, really." - AmazingReserve9089
"Honestly, hilarious. If either of my parents walked in on me and my girlfriend while she's in lingerie, they'd have a field day with it! They would both say something to the effect of, 'My Apologies. Clearly, I've interrupted something. I'll be back in an hour, be safe.'"
"Then they would proceed to use it to embarrass me for the next couple of years any time I start giving them too much s**t." - Dragon_Knight99
"First, I never walk into my minor grandson's room without knocking."
"Second, if he were an adult and I accidentally walked in on this, I'd be laughing so hard, apologizing for ruining her surprise, and ask when we're gonna eat so I can get to know his girlfriend a bit, and get out quickly to let them have some time for themselves."
"I wouldn't leave immediately because I would want to make it clear that I valued the girlfriend as a person and that I wanted her to know this doesn't have to be awkward."
"OP is definitely NTA. So is the boyfriend." - imalittlefrenchpress
"NTA. Parents reacting to their adult children's sex lives is so weird and gross. The situation should have been a laugh. She escalated it and shamed you for being what, in your underwear? You said you were going to change. She entered that room to catch you undressed."
"Ask your boyfriend if his mom has done this before." - SnooHesitation9269
Others encouraged the OP to be cautious based on how she described her potential MIL.
"Best of luck going forward, but she sounds absolutely unhinged. Interstate, and if your mister can put a leash on her, then maybe, but if I had to bet, I'd say this is a low contact/no contact kind of mother." - Daughter_Of_Anagolay
"Look at mommy's behavior. She showed up unnoticed at her son's house. Her son may have been out or with his girlfriend. It's a one-bed flat."
"Then she walked into his room at his house without knocking. He is 35."
"Obviously, to her, he's a 'little baby' who can't do anything without his momma. That's why she feels entitled to invade his privacy. It's also a control tactic. As long as she can convince herself that her son is a kid, she can justify barging into his life."
"Now, if you throw a girlfriend in the mix, as long as that's only dinner or dates, it's fine. She can pretend that they're just holding hands and singing high school musical songs. But when she sees her kissing his son in lingerie, her illusion falls apart. She has to admit to herself that her son isn't a baby anymore, and she has to recalibrate her relationship with him, essentially accepting that she can't control him anymore."
"To her, it's easier to accuse the girlfriend of being an evil 'night lady' who's robbing her naive, innocent, precious son of his virginity, completely ignoring that he's 35."
"Good for her son. He stood up for his girlfriend and kicked her out. She needs a reality check. Sadly, she'll just add this to her list of things the 'evil girlfriend' did or caused. She brainwashed an innocent baby against his OWN MOTHER. GASP!!!" - primordial_chaos_007
"Super duper NTA."
"She had zero right to barge into a 35-year-old's bedroom without knocking, and I would bet it was on purpose to check if you guys were hooking up or something. It's also f-ed up she yelled insults at you afterward when she was fully in the wrong."
"Good on him for telling her he'll go no contact if she doesn't apologize. That's the exact thing I'd say to do at minimum here. Definitely keep her at arm's length. She sounds psycho." - TunaStuffedBurrito
"And another thing I think needs to be brought up... showing up unexpectedly from out of town? Like, come on. My mom can't even show up randomly here from down the street!"
"Get an invite first, it's called being courteous and respectful. Two skills she clearly lacks." - Great-Score2079
"She came after you two 'because you were taking too long' means she thought you two were kissing and wanted to barge in and stop it. She might not have been 100% aware of it, but if she complained you two were taking too long in a private room, it's because she suspected canoodling and then felt (incorrectly, inappropriately) justified in her suspicions because there you were in your underwear. She can think what she wants, she was aiming to bust in on hanky panky by following." - Plantsanddanger
The entire subReddit was weirded out and disgusted by how the OP's potential mother-in-law had handled the situation and found no fault with the OP or her boyfriend.
First, she had shown up unannounced and interrupted their date night plans, but then, while fully aware that the OP would be changing her clothes, she barged into the one bedroom in the apartment without knocking and proceeded to place all of the blame on the OP.
It would be interesting to see if the mother-in-law would choose to accept some responsibility later or if she would continue to deflect and try to put a strain on her son's relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.