Family matters are personal and difficult. And sharing those moments with significant others requires a big amount of trust. Once that trust is violated, it's hard to bring it back.
Reddit user ThrowRAAITABF found herself in a situation where her significant other really violated her trust based on a sensitive family issue from her past. After getting very upset, she was unsure if she over-reacted or not.
Looking for feedback, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for validation and perspective on her actions.
She asked:
"AITA for yelling at my bf for telling personal stuff to family?"
Our original poster, or OP, let us in on the sensitive details of her family life.
"So my (24F[emale]) boyfriend (25M[ale]) and I have been seeing each other for a few years now and everything is going well. We get along well with each other's family up until now."
"Some relevant personal info is that my dad, who I don't speak to, is an addict. He did some...hard drugs staring with an M and spent time in jail for it but his record is now clean."
"Regardless he's a POS and emotionally and financially abused me all my life."
"So obviously I told my boyfriend this because he asked about my dad and it's important I guess as backstory, but it's a sore spot for me and I don't talk about it much."
OP's boyfriend shared this with his own family without OP's consent.
"Well the problem starts with him telling his mom about my dad when I'm not there (on a phone call)."
"Next thing I knew his mom was calling me asking why I didn't think this was important info for them to know?"
"I asked what she meant and she said 'When you guys have kids I don't want my grandchildren to be addicts!' Which makes no sense anyways because I don't even want kids."
OP's boyfriend's mother really crossed several lines.
"After getting an earful from her and telling me she never would have drank in front of me if she knew (I don't drink by choice), how she doesn't judge me but she will be careful from now on and other weird sh*t, I hung up the phone and went to my BF, who confessed he had told her about my dad but didn't know she would react like that."
"I told him he had NO right to go telling his family ANYTHING about my backstory because it doesn't pertain to them in any way, and he told me he could tell them whatever he wanted."
"How addiction IS a disease so she wasn't really wrong. That it's wrong to purposely hide that from him."
"I told him 'Cancer runs in my family too, are you going to tell your mom that too? Does she want a full medical history before she ALLOWS me to have your children?' it just got really ugly."
Now OP and her boyfriend are on difficult terms.
"Anyways he hasn't spoken to me since unless it was to be passive agressive or ask if I need to 'talk to someone' and I don't really know what to do here anyways."
"I'm starting to feel guilty that maybe I overreacted because my dad is such a sore spot and maybe I should have told them all sooner? I don't know. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors immediately reassured OP that she had nothing to be sorry for.
"He violated your privacy and boundaries and turned it around on you, making it all your fault. Look up the DARVO method."
"He's manipulative and is very entitled. This is just a small glimpse of what life with him will be like."
"Since your medical history is soooo relevant, I'm sure your choice to be child free will also be stomped on."
"Be ready to have an argument down the line on your bodily autonomy. Please reconsider your relationship. This guy is sending out big red flags."~Honest_Ad6044
"Do you hear yourself making excuses for him?"
"You absolutely should not feel any kind of guilt at all and I hope you take a good hard look at his actions and reactions because they are both big red flags."
"Also please consider whether it's worth it to have his mom entrenched in your entire future while he betrays your trust in regards to her. He's already demonstrated this to you. NTA"~ksharonisok
"To also add, aside from him not standing up for you: are you sure you want to be with someone who blabs about your painful family history?"
"That story, told to him in confidence, is not his to tell, and he does not have the right 'to tell anyone what he wants.'"
"NTA and this family: yikes. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩"
"There is a huge possibility that if you stick with him, his family is not going to respect you."~Superlemonada
"NTA. But do yourself a favor and toss him away."
"Maybe it's the wording, but it sounds to me like the kind of family where the fact you don't want children won't matter at all as long as your bf's dear mama is happy."
"Oh, and the boyfriend should put these (🚩🚩🚩) back into his pocket. He dropped them."
"What a freaking piece of artwork this dude must be."~teddythepenguin
And people are also warning OP that her boyfriend's behavior is NOT it.
"Both my parents are like OPs. I have spent my life trying to be better than them. When I tell people about them, I have seen people's whole demeanor change because they view me differently."
"Sometimes I get a 'Omg but you turned out so well!' Which is nicer but still biased, because they're saying they expected me to an addict as well."
"I've never even smoked a cigarette lol. But the stigma is absolutely real."
"OP, you are not the AH, but your boyfriend's mom most definitely is. She already has formed a bias against you & that will probably never change."
"No matter what you do, how you behave, she always view you through the lens of a 'possible addict.'"
"You will always be competing against her view of you. That's a toxic family that will never fully accept you. You deserve better than that."~Queenhotsnakes
"NTA. His family isn't entitled to your private business. That's your story to tell when you are ready to."
"He doesn't get to make that choice for you, so he's an AH for doing so. He also went behind your back to do it, so even he knows he's wrong to have blabbed."~Kare6Bear6
"NTA, your boyfriend and MIL took your trauma, something you absolutely aren't required to share and talk about until you're ready, and made it about themselves."
"He absolutely cannot tell his mom anything he wants about you, that is a breach of trust."
"When confronted about hurting your feelings he has reflected it back on you and somehow is trying to convince you that you're in the wrong for his f**k up."
"Your boyfriend seems incapable of having an adult conversation with you, instead preferring to be passive aggressive with you."
"If you can't sit him down and get him to have a real conversation with you, where you explain how he and your MIL hurt your feelings, and demand an apology from both of them, dump the mommy's boy, because clearly he's dating his mom and not you."~baevatien
"NTA so many red flags. No respect for you or your privacy. Mommas baby. Ignorant about addiction. Can't stand up to mom so she must have a point."
"Withholding affection and communication when confronted on bad behavior. Throwing a tantrum. This guy is not a good guy. He's a AH"~One-Bug1625
Redditors warned OP that if she stayed with her boyfriend, this could never happen again.
"NTA OP. That is a huge breach of trust. I don't discuss things about my boyfriend with my mother if it is really personal. It is none of her business. That is my boyfriend and my business."
"If he is this dismissive of your feelings and is doubling down after being told he is wrong. Is this who you want to be with for the rest of your life?"
"With a MIL who is behaving like you could be addicted at any moment because she drinks alcohol?"~Ateosira
"NTA - Him and his mum can have fun trying to find a woman who has no medical conditions at all in either side of her family."
"This magical non-existent woman will also need to be willing to be treated like a vessel for a future grandchild rather than a person. I don't like their chances."
"They are both being absurd and both owe you a huge apology."~robot428
"NTA: 'how she doesn't judge me but she will be careful from now on'"
"Well, which is it. Judging or not - as this statement is a contradiction. Frankly, given how his parents responded, and how he responds - i doubt this relationship will work out on its own."
"If you want to make this work, you both need to work on this - otherwise it`ll be a barrier between you."
"Or, cut the cord now, and go your own way - if you feel this was too much."
"The passive aggressive method he uses is a red flag btw. He should have apologized, and then called his mother to give her a lecture on appropriate behavior and her judgmental attitude."~Professional_Duck564
"NTA. You're supposed to be able to confide in and trust your partner when it comes to personal information."
"You're right to believe that his mom doesn't need to know any of that and it was very insulting of her to say such things to you."
"I think your bf maybe means well because he has such an open relationship with his mom to tell her everything and maybe he told her because what you said gave him feelings he didn't like."
"Regardless though I think this means you both should talk about boundaries and what you want to stay between the both of you and why."~keeperbean
Privacy between partners is a valuable commodity, and it's difficult to manage a breach of trust after the fact.
OP has a choice about whether she's going to be okay living in that space in this relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.