An act of generosity is always appreciated.
But things become a little more complicated when people expect something in return for their generosity.
Redditor pirosi6663 recently offered to help the cousin of a close friend, which came with a "quid pro quo" of sorts.
While he thought the solution was perfect, and solved the problems of both parties, others felt he was merely taking advantage of this cousin.
Having second thoughts about his arrangement, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
"AITA for letting a woman live with me rent-free in exchange of her doing all of my housework?"
The OP revealed that, aside from a very busy schedule, he was fortunate to be given an extremely lucky living situation.
"I (28 M[ale]) am a STEM PhD student and due to this I'm busy working day and night."
"I have a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment situated in a very nice area which was gifted to me by parents for graduating from college."
"I use one of the bedrooms as an office and the other one as a guest room."
Aware of his situation, a friend of the OP's reached out to him to see if he could help out a family member.
"About 6 months ago, a good university friend reached out to me and said that he has this female cousin (19 F[emale]) who got kicked out by her parents for being caught dating a guy."
"She was living with my buddy for a couple of months at the time but he had to ask her to leave because his girlfriend was starting to get upset."
"And even though she was working, they're renting and her contribution wasn't enough so they had to pay out of pocket to cover her expenses and they just couldn't do that anymore."
"This man knows that I have my very own, pretty big apartment and asked me if I could please take her in for a period of time."
"I told him that I'd first like to meet the girl and he said okay."
The OP felt that he came up with a solution which would greatly benefit both the OP and his friend's cousin.
"She seemed like a nice and respectable person but I couldn't let a stranger move in with me for free and because I don't need rent money I asked her if she was down to do all of my housework (cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, ironing my clothes, doing my laundry, going grocery shopping, paying the bills, etc.)."
"Ever since I started my PhD 2 years ago my place has been an absolute mess so this kind of arrangement would've been extremely useful."
"She immediately gladly accepted, I gave her the guest bedroom and that was that."
"Thanks to the fact that she doesn't have to pay me a dime she's able to save quite a bit of money while working which she's really grateful for."
"I also enjoy that now I can focus on my studies without having to worry about the state of my home."
One person who was not a fan of this arrangement, however, was the OP's sister.
"A few days ago, my older sister somehow found out about my situation, met with me and called me a bunch of names, saying that I'm basically using this vulnerable young girl as a free domestic worker and that she's probably overworked because of this plus a bunch of other similar things."
"I don't agree with her opinions at all because we're both gaining something out of our agreement."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While some Redditors were left with questions and/or hesitations regarding the arrangement, generally everyone agreed that the OP seemed to be doing a generous favor for his friend's cousin, and was therefore not the a**hole.
Many felt that as long as there were clear boundaries set between the OP and the cousin, particularly that he wasn't overworking her, then there was nothing wrong with their arrangement
"I mean, as long as you don't lord it over her or abuse the arrangement, then NTA."
"As long as she has the time and resources to actually put forth to get back on her feet, then it seems reasonable"-Tokyolurv.
"You have an agreement with this woman: domestic labor for rent."
"Doesn't sound like she herself thinks she's being exploited."
"NTA but I'd recommend making a written agreement."
"And be sure she gets days off."-ParsimoniousSalad.
"NTA."
"She agreed to do this instead of paying you the rent, which is totally acceptable."
"As long as you're not bossing over her or taking advantage of this situation, it's alright."-drunken_munky.
"If you and your guest are happy with the arrangement then NTA."
"Maybe just double check with her that she's happy and not feeling over worked if she's going all the household and going to work."-samlom131718.
"My feeling is that there's nothing wrong with this arrangement as long as long as she has reasonable free time and you're not taking up full time hours or anything."
"Beggars can't be choosers and all that, but it would be irresponsible of you to have proposed and continue to support an arrangement that results in a poor overall quality of life for your flatmate."-scarletteapot.
"Ok so let's say she's doing 5h of work a week."
"Or even 10h."
"It's super unlikely a job a uni student would get would allow them to earn enough in 5-10h to pay rent."
"Or, it's less convenient."
"If you aren't asking for unreasonable domestic duties (ironing undies, vacuuming daily) then it sounds good."- Zorgas.
"I mean - it depends on your expectation and requirements around those chores."
"If she spends 8 hours a day cleaning your house every day and cooking gourmet meals from scratch?"
"Seems kind of harsh because that would imply her role is full-time and her labour is worth more than rent."
"Alternatively if it's more that you asked her to do this and she does it to a standard of her setting (eg the standard she would maintain if she lived alone) and you're not creating unreasonable mess and eat the same food she would cook anyway - then it seems like a fair arrangement."
"Also I presume you pay for your share of said groceries?"
"If so and it's the latter situation where she lives rent free, keeps the house tidy to a standard she wants to live in and just adds a few more laundry loads and dinner for 2 instead of 1 - that seems entirely fine and a good deal for you both."- semicoloncait.
"NTA probably."
"I think from the outside this could look pretty creepy. 28 year old male moves in vulnerable, desperate 19 year old girl as a live-in housemaid, cook and personal assistant...."
"And unkind people are going to assume there's probably something sexual going on just because of the gender/age."
"But your sister shouldn't be assuming you're an unkind person or a creep, surely your sister should know you and trust you?"
"At the end of the day I would ask how many hours per day does she 'work' for you."
"At a reasonable wage for the work she does, how does this compare to the rent she would pay?"
"If she's doing $2k worth of work per month and she could rent an apartment for $800 then you're exploiting her and this turns into a YTA."
"If she's getting good value for her work in terms of rental and has enough savings to move out if she wants to, is happy with the situation and you're not being creepy or making her uncomfortable in any way, then it seems like a favorable arrangement."-AdrenalineAnxiety.
While others didn't see anything wrong with their arrangement, finding the OP's sister completely out of line.
"NTA."
"If you'd told her she could move in for free and then once in place, demanded that she cook clean and do everything else for you and put her in a position of being homeless or cleaning for you, then your sister might have a point."
"But that's not what happened."
"This girl needed something - you needed something."
"You worked out a mutually beneficial arrangement that works for both of you."
"She's happy, saving money and doing what she needs to do for her."
"She has a safe roof over her head and is probably saving enough money as to where if this becomes something she's unhappy with down the line, she'll be able to move out and find something that works better for her."
"She's paying rent - but instead of using cash, she's providing services."
"Just make sure you treat her like that."
"She's not living rent free, she's just paying a different way."
"If you're both happy with the arrangement then your sister needs to but out and mind her own business."- glitchandgo.
"NTA, you gave her an opportunity that was probably REALLY nice considering how much rent is right now."-_Sniffin_.
"NTA."
"She agreed to do chores in return for free board before moving in, which is an arrangement which benefits her."
"Your sister hasn't spoken to the girl and is making these wild accusations without all the facts."
"So long as the girl is still comfortable with the arrangement then your sister needs to butt out."-PFyre.
Indeed, on paper, keeping a home tidy in exchange for no rent would seem to be a highly enviable arrangement.
As long as the OP isn't overwhelming this young woman with work, this arrangement does seem to benefit everyone.
But one does hope this young woman uses the money she's saving to eventually get a place of her own.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.