Being a good host often means anticipating the needs of your guests.
Planning a meal that everyone will enjoy or ensuring the seating is appropriate.
What happens, though, when someone expects you to have personal care supplies that you do not need but they do?
That was the issue facing Redditor and ORiginal Poster (OP) Icy-Peanut4850 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not keeping feminine hygiene products in my home?"
First a quick apology.
"Pardon my format as I am on mobile. Gonna keep this short because I'm still baffled."
Then, OP explained her current living arrangements.
"I, (24 female) am currently raising my 2 brothers (18 male, 13m) after my mother died this past September."
"Only my brothers and I live here and when my other brother (21m) completes rehab he will be living here as well. I am the only girl in the house. Onto the issue."
"I have a friend, we'll call her Zaylee (23f) who came over to hang out with me last week."
"For context, I have the nexplanon birth control bar in my arm. I know it's different for everyone, but for me it completely takes away my period and lasts for 3 years."
"(This is my second time having itl) We were having a movie day to catch up on life since we haven't seen each other in over a week."
"During one of the movies she gets up to use the restroom so I scroll through my phone waiting on her return."
Everything was fine, until...
"Well when she comes back down she asks me where I keep my tampons. I responded I don't keep them in the house since I haven't needed one in years."
"She then proceeded to ask me for a pad and I kinda just giggled and repeated myself."
"I'm not sure if it was the giggle or lack of products but she completely flips out on me."
'"What kind of woman doesn't keep these things?"'
'"As a woman you should always keep them?"'
'"What the hell am I supposed to do about my situation?"'
'"I've never met someone so thoughtless!"'
"I was confused."
"I didn't take her attitude to heart and told her we can go to the Dollar General around the corner if she needs some and that it's not a big deal."
"Apparently that wasn't good enough for her."
"She called me an insensitive b*tch who doesn't care about other women (??) and need to learn how to be a better host. She called herself a cab and left shortly after."
"I can understand the frustration of not having something you need, but lashing out on me made no sense."
"I just don't see the reason to spend money on things I don't use. They're unnecessarily expensive."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses found the logic hard to follow.
"'As a woman you should always keep them?"'
"So why didn't she have any hygiene products with her? NTA." ~ TheDrunkScientist
"And how did she accuse OP of being thoughtless when she forgot to pack her own supplies?"
"NTA. Def odd." ~ Moderate-Fun
Others put the responsibility squarely on OP's friend.
"These are things we don't talk about, but all have done."
"The friend could have folded up what she needed and headed to the store. This feels like the friend had an extreme PMS moment." ~ Zearidal
"I always carry a fully stocked first aid kit in my work bag."
"Everyone calls me the work mom."
"Oh, I have a bad cough I got cough drops."
"Oh my back hurts, Tylenol or Aleve?"
"Though the toilet paper trick has come in handy, almost a year out from my youngest birth and my body's process is totally off.. I now have issues to deal with that weren't there before😒🤷" ~ Smart_Ad_3636
Commenters shared personal stories.
"Woman here."
"I do have a very regular period."
"However, guess what? I haven't used a tampon or pads in almost 10 years."
"I use a cup and, just for safety, a washable pad. My case, though, is not that of every person who menstruates. Each has different needs and ways to go through that time of the month."
"OP's friend considering she used such stuff just because 'she's a woman' is very disrespectful."
"For all she knows, OP could use something like that, have period underwear, just used her stock for an emergency, free bleed or, like what happened, not even have a regular period and thus no need to stock such items as pads or tampons."
"OP is 24, her friend 23. They're both adults."
"I must say I am a little bit surprised that her friend saw fit to look throughout her cabinets/drawers first before asking." ~ Bell957
"I am allergic to adhesive so only have reusable cotton cloth pads and with BC I am very light so no tampons only a cup on hand for heavy flows."
"I also wouldn't be able to help OP friend. I would never go anywhere without being prepared myself I can't rely on someone's preferences" ~ bluestrawberry_witch
"NTA."
"Personally, I keep tampons on me even when I'm not in need of them, because it's so common to come across someone who needs one, I just make good habit of it."
"That being said... I have reason to buy them anyway because periodically I _do_ need them (I have an IUD, so it's not often or for long)..."
"A friend of mind had her baby basket yoinked quite a few years ago, and I have zero expectations of her having tampons or pads in her house..."
"So if you did happen to have any, then BONUS!!! and omgosh how grand!... but you don't... and that's not your problem..." ~ The_Thorne
Some talked about pad alternatives.
"I'm a cup and reusable pad girl too."
"The cycle trackers on smartphone apps are pretty good - mine gives me a 2 day warning for the start of my period so I make sure I wear a reusable liner to avoid the need for wads of toilet paper or having to purchase tampons or pads."
"For the most part, I don't actually carry spares in a handbag these days." ~ crash_clu
"I was just coming here to say that."
"I'm a woman, I don't need feminine hygiene products so I don't buy them and keep them in my house."
"If someone that is a woman needs them, they have to provide their own."
"Like why would I have something in my house I'm never going to use? It's my house, not a communal home." ~ Little-Martha31204
While still not on OP's friend's side, some did point out that Tampons are handy.
"NTA"
"Your friend is being ridiculous."
"However, I will say this: I'm a 54 year old woman in menopause."
"I have no *need* for products anymore."
"But I do keep a box of pads and a box of tampons in my bathroom just in case."
"I have a stepdaughter (lives with her mom, doesn't generally spend a lot of time at my place) and a lot of friends of all ages who still menstruate."
"It cost me $10 one time 3 years ago to 'stock' my bathroom and it has come in handy once or twice for visitors." ~ MaggieMae68
"I always keep a few in my first aid kit, even though I no longer need them."
"Besides working for their intended purpose, a maxi pad is awesome for stopping the bleeding on a large cut."
"I once brought a very drunk male friend into the ER with a maxi pad wrapped around his badly cut arm."
"The fact that he kept telling the nurses that he needed to 'change his tampon' made their night! 🤣" ~ Puzzleheaded-Jury312
"Yep!"
"My husband keeps a couple in his camping kit, one in his 'do you have a kitchen sink in there?' jacket and there's a few in the car first aid kit."
"Our kiddo suggested putting one in the first aid kit they were building at scouts."
"Got laughed at (grade school boys) and then their retired police officer (and ex-Marine) said 'Great idea; I always have a couple in mine' ..."
"Which led to the TRULY awesome email home to all the parents with the equipment list - including maxipads!"
"I think a couple parents' brains kinda exploded."
"My husband just told the kid where the box was, and to take from the one in the main bathroom, not the one under Mom's sink, so that Mom would know how many she had." ~ Sashi-Dice
"Very smart."
"A person or pet can bleed out so fast if the wound is deep enough or in the wrong place (not that there's a right place but you get the idea)."
"Having appropriate and affordable supplies readily available makes a difference."
"It even has a side benefit that these boys won't act like a pad is kryptonite if they see a box of them in someone's bathroom. I would have laughed to see the parent's reaction to the equipment list." ~ latens
While it is important to be a good host, it's also important to be a good guest.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.