Mansplaining has been around forever, but has only recently been given a name.
To "mansplain" is when a man assumes a woman knows nothing about the subject at hand and therefore takes it upon himself to explain—in excruciating details that she already knows—the subject at hand.
Redditor burneraccsorry found herself the subject of a mansplaining partner, and went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA," to see if she had done something wrong to provoke the behavior.
It started with a sexist joke:
"AITA for not seeing the funny side of a sexist joke?"
Our original poster, or OP's, partner was on a call with friends when it happened.
"The other day my partner [Male 37] was on a video call with some mates. I was trying to leave them to it as I didn't want to intrude on their conversation, but I cooked us dinner which involved sharing various bits, so I brought everything into the living room to sit quietly beside him to eat my food."
It came out of left field so fast that it gave OP whiplash.
"Someone asked a question about partners, and my partner mentioned I was sat beside him. I said a quick 'hi' to the guys, and a minute later made a little joke about my partner in the context of the conversation. Then someone says 'mate, did you just let your woman speak?!'"
OP, though knowing it was supposed to be a "joke," didn't care to stick around after her partner didn't even react.
"Now I GET that this is supposed to be a joke, I haven't lived under a rock my entire life, but because of that I've been subjected to hearing this hilarious 'joke' multiple times, and every time it is just as degrading and humiliating as the last."
"My partner knows I'm passionate about issues of inequality (I'm a Sociology student), and we have had conversations on multiple occasions about how men making sexist 'jokes' with one another is a major reason casual and outright sexism still exists, because it is normalized and trivialised in the name of 'banter.' I kind of expected my partner to say something but he just smiled and ignored it."
"I took my share of the food and left the room, as I felt very unwelcome."
And when OP's partner came to talk to her, he took the side of the "jokers."
"Later he came to ask if I was upset, and I said yes, and explained that I wished he would have said a little something in my defense, not to be a killjoy, but just a 'mate, come on,' or some kind of witty come back to shut him down a little."
"Then he launched into a big explanation about what the guy meant by the joke, how he wasn't actually sexist, he didn't mean it 'like that' and it wasn't his job to 'white knight' for me if I'm upset by something."
OP was more upset by this than anything.
"This just upset me more, because rather than trying to understand and respect my feelings, he just mansplained a joke, and defended a sexist friend. I wasn't expecting an apology, more just some compassion for how I was made to feel in that situation, but he wasn't having any of it and treated me as if I had just 'misunderstood' the joke because it wasn't actually sexist."
And now she wants to know if her feelings were valid.
"So AITA for wanting my partner to defend me, or for not seeing the 'funny' side of a sexist joke?"
Redditors decided where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors overwhelmingly took the side of the OP.
"You're NTA. Your bf is. And whether you want to admit it or see it or not, he's also a sexist."
"Like when granny says something racist, and Uncle Bob says oh that's just the way she is its how her generation was- no, granny is a racist. She might not be wearing klan sheets at a rally, but she's still a racist."
"Be it a little or a lot- sexist is sexist. Racist is racist."~Theartofdodging
"NTA - honestly what a weird and cringey joke for his mate to say. It's not endearing or cute or funny like he probably thinks it is. Your partner needs to understand that his friend can be sexist even if neither of them believe it."
"Just like a white woman married to a black man can still be racist against black people. Your partner definitely should have shut him down because it just puts you in such an awkward situation having to swallow the banter and be the polite and 'cool' girlfriend."~xnataliaaria
"My wife and I went to see the Super Bowl at a friend's house. My wife absolutely loves to cook, so she was in the kitchen with our friend's wife while the guys were in the living room having a beer. Our friend made a joke about the girls belonging in the kitchen but not one of the guys laughed."
"We all just looked at him and shook our heads and he tried to defend himself saying it was a joke. My wife loved how we peer pressure him into silence."~Funkypianopleya
"Ugh jesus christ on a cheese plate, how on earth do people think these jokes are still funny? 'Belong in the kitchen' 'make me a sandwich' 'control your woman'..."
"It wasn't funny when there weren't meant to be jokes, and they're still not funny even if they're told as jokes. Well Brad you belong in the trash but here we are. NTA. Toss him and his unfunny a**hat of friends."~TubiDaorArya
And him choosing to mansplain makes him even worse in Reddit's eyes.
"NTA. Instead of trying to understand why you were feeling upset, your boyfriend decided to explain to you why your feelings weren't valid, and that's what makes him the a**hole in this situation."~distinctlyambiguous
"NTA you're fine for being upset. Especially over a sexist comment. Sexist comments always suck but the fact that it was specifically about you and only made because you were sitting there is pretty crappy. Saying it's a joke doesn't make it okay especially if it hurt someone."~ohboy-herewegoagain
"NTA. I had a similar experience with my friend group from years ago. We played a drinking game and in this round we had to name pets and farm animals. My boyfriend at this time couldn't think of any that wasn't named yet so he decided 'women' was a good answer. They let it count. I have nothing to do with them anymore."
"What sometimes works is asking them to explain the joke to you and why it is funny. Something they notice that the only joke behind this is misogyny. Well...sometimes..."~high_class_fella
"NTA. I see both sides. I love offensive jokes and my friends and I make offensive jokes related to our race, culture, gender etc. but we all enjoy it and know it's just in good fun. BUT, you obviously are not comfortable with those kinds of jokes so it's kind of shitty that your partner defended the joke even after he knew how you felt about it. I would definitely sit down and have a proper talk with him."~myrebelyell69
Some people are even advising her to drop her boyfriend altogether.
"NTA. In a healthy relationship I'd expect my partner to defend me even if I wasn't around. The fact that he won't defend you when you're present would be upsetting. He is showing you who he is. Are you ok with what he's shown you?"~SeaStrike2
"NTA. 'They didn't mean it like that' is the trademark excuse that allows sexism, racism and other inappropriate 'jokes' to continue. Even just a 'dude, seriously?' Would have probably sufficed."
"Instead he not only tried to invalidate your feelings, he tried to defend himself by misappropriating terms that are actual, real problems. Defending your partner isn't 'white knighting,' and his misuse of the term is half the reason such issues don't get taken seriously."~PhantomNiffler
"NTA. Sexist jokes aren't funny. So I don't get why you'd laugh. To me, this is a giant red flag from your bf. Sounds like shares his friends views more than he's let on before now."~mutherofdoggos
"NTA. One time my husbands friend tried using a 'joke' like that with me around and I looked at him and said 'no wonder you're never in a relationship longer than a year'. Apparently that hurt his feelings and I was told to take a joke. I told him he should be able to take it as well since I was 'joking' too."
"My favorite is when my husbands friends ask if he needs to get my permission. My usual response is, 'if you had a healthy relationship you'd know it's not asking for permission but simply communicating plans'."
"Some men don't like women who speak up, and it shows. So do it more."~imsorrydontyellatme
The ball is in OP's court now to decide how to act with the information that she is NTA.
Hopefully OP and her boyfriend can have a constructive conversation about this and come out on the other side stronger.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.