Family vacations are an ideal way for in-laws and/or relatives to get to know one another and strengthen bonds.
But such scenarios come with their share of drama in spite of good intentions.
Redditor Ok-Philosopher-7227 is a woman who vacationed in Spain two years ago with her brother's family, which was far from ideal.
With the prospect of another getaway in the near future, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for refusing to go on a family holiday with my BF's family because I hate his 7 year old nephew?
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"So - context first - 2 years ago I went on holiday to Spain with my boyfriend and his sister, her husband, three nieces and his nephew (then 5) (SIL [sister-in-law] and BIL [brother-in-law] for this)."
"We rented a shared house - they wanted to go to petting zoo's etc where as me and my BF wanted to lie by the pool and drink so we agreed every other day we would do things together and then the other days we would spend time apart (just me and bf) - same in the evenings, some nights together some apart."
"I should add they asked to come with us because they don't earn a lot of money and it would be cheaper for them to share the cost of the house, food etc with us. We felt bad for them so agreed."
"I'd spent time with them before and it was fine in short stints and we already knew his nephew was.... loud. But oh my god. He was a nightmare... he screams CONSTANTLY. Every day 4am to 7pm - screaming not matter what mood he was in."
"He also constantly misbehaved - he hit his sisters, threw toys, threw food, drinks, etc. He went into my bag and pulled out my makeup and stuck his fingers in it."
"Also whenever I was wearing a bikini by the pool her would pull the strings so it came apart - the first time it happened I flashed my BIL. It got to the point I wouldn't lie by the pool or swim if the kids were there."
"SIL&BIL told him no but he kept on doing it. We had every other day to ourselves but whenever we were in the house with them it was just constant stress. Not what anyone wants from a holiday."
"We've booked the same place again for August (hopefully if restrictions are lifted - fully refundable if not) - we weren't going to say to them we were going but my BF mentioned off hand and she text us a few days ago to ask if they could come again."
"BF said to them it's been a tough year and we wanted some alone time together. She said we wouldn't need to spend time going out together - we could just share the house."
"BIL lost his job this year etc and they really need this as a family break and her mum agreed to pay for them all to go (she actually agreed to give them £400 for a holiday of their choice but coming with us means they save money and can actually go away rather than camping or something in the UK)."
"SIL said we would be like 'Ships in the night' was the way she described what it would be like. That might be what they intend but even by BF's mum has admitted that nephew is no better now than he was a few years ago... if anything he is worse now."
"My boyfriend said to her he would ask me, but he wasn't sure it would work. Separately he then said to me he thinks we should say yes - mainly because we don't really have a way of saying no now."
"He feels bad because it's his sister and he knows they're having a tough time - which I get but we deserve a holiday too. He's not going to go behind my back and say yes - or blame it on me. But he does think we're being a bit cruel saying no."
"If it were up to me I would just be upfront with them and say we don't want to because if the way Nephew behaved last time and we want a relaxing holiday. But I understand from my BF's perspective this isn't something he feels he can say to his sister - I've said I would say it. But would this make me an a**hole if I was honest about not wanting to go because of her son?"
Strangers were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA - You want alone time and you're entitled to that. And quite frankly, regardless of the nephew, I think it's pretty rude for them to just invite themselves along anyway."
"I'm sure it's been a tough year for them, but it's been a tough year for everyone, and that doesn't make them any more entitled to share the home with you. It's your vacation, and you shouldn't have to ruin it for yourself just to appease them." – Slurav
"NTA. I think your SO [significant other] needs to say, 'Sorry, Sis. We have this planned as just a couples getaway. We don't really want to share the house with anyone. Maybe another time.'"
"And she needs to accept that. You don't have to go into detail as to why, just no thanks, just us this time. And your SO needs to make it clear that this is a JOINT decision and NOT that YOU didn't want them to come." – SoValkyrieMama
"NTA. Telling a 7 year old no, isn't enough consequence. They failed parenting. Don't go on holidays with them until nephew can behave. They're fine with him abusing his sisters too."
"Someone should tell them that they'll be hearing a lot of no because their Don behaves horribly because they can't be bothered to properly patent." – Mera1506
"NTA"
"'We're having a couple's retreat, not a family vacation.' That's a valid reason."
"If they keep persisting you could add:"
"'If you and your husband wanted to come you are welcome, but not your children. Again - this is not a family vacation. If we wanted a family vacation we would have invited you.'"
"If they keep pressing then go ahead and say it's specifically because of the 7yos atrocious behaviour and that you won't even entertain the thought of travelling with him again until he shows some improvement in regular interactions." – Ohcrumbcakes
"Man I hate it when people say I'll have to ask my partner instead of just saying no. It puts all the crap on the partner. Nobody believes it was a joint decision."
"How about saying no and THEN asking the partner? If you both decide yes then the partner looks good instead of being the crappy one. If it's still no, you've protected your partner because YOU said no first." - Twasbrillig1
The OP clarified:
"I don't think I explained this bit very clearly - he said he'd discuss it with me because HE wasn't sure he wanted them to come but he would ask me what I thought - he didn't say this to her but he is leaning towards saying yes but he knew I probably wouldn't be, but wanted to discuss it before saying one way or the other."
"He's 100% not to type to throw me under the bus just to get out of an awkward situation and I don't mind him saying he's speak to me before saying one way or the other."
The OP, overwhelmed by all of the responses, provided an update.
"a lot of people saying nephew sounds like he is on the spectrum, has ADD, etc. I agree but he has been tested and has come back negative for any sort of neurological issues."
"If it were me I would have him tested again and seek a second opinion but parents are adamant that this is a phase and he will grow out of it as apparently as well it's an "at home" issue and at school he is fine. Although obviously we can only take their word for this.
"Also a lot of people saying it's my responsibility to say something to them about getting him tested again? I have to say a hard no to that - I'm comfortable addressing his behaviour with them; but I 100% do not think it's my place to go to them and tell them I think he needs to tested for Autism, ADD, etc again."
"Especially as I'm not a doctor or an expert in this in any way, shaper or form. Also I have to respect that I am not blood related - at the moment I'm just the SIL's, brothers, girlfriend."
"As for my BF, he is his uncle, not his father - he has made the suggestion in the past that he might have issues which is what lead to his parents testing him in the first place - but as I said, all was negative and as parents they have made the decision to leave it there. Same as me, BF is not comfortable making this suggestion again."
"I'm at a loss as to why so many people are so angry at my boyfriend here... I've noticed a lot of posts were people just seem to be angry at men in general so I'm not sure if this is a theme? I'm going to spell this out again - but just to be clear. I'm not here to get your opinion on my BF - he's not the issue here."
"when SIL text my BF to ask if they could come he text her back saying HE did not think it was a good idea they came."
"BF does not mind that much if they come as he would like to see his family. However did NOT say this to his sister as he knew this would make me look like the bad guy. He is going to respect my wishes and tell her WE do not think it will be a good idea if we come."
"He said to SIL we would discuss this together and he would get my thoughts and then let her know. I AM GLAD HE DID THIS. I HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED MY BOYFRIEND HAVING AN OPEN CONVERSATION WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING A RED FLAG."
"I would rather we came to decisions together and present a united front on what could be a potentially contentious issue - I don't think either of us should 'take the blame' in this situation."
Overall, Redditors thought the OP wanting to get away with just her boyfriend was not an unreasonable request.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.