Women have historically been treated differently in male-dominated industries.
Redditor Maleficent-Day4476 is experiencing this at her university, but her male colleagues are labeling it as "pretty privilege."
The Original Poster (OP) sought out subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for feedback.
She asked,
"AITA for reporting my classmates for joking that I have pretty privilege?"
She went on to tell her story.
"Background: I'm [Female age 23] one of only a few female students in a male-dominated course."
"Furthermore, I am at a highly prestigious university, and I haven't really gotten along with the guys on my course."
"They are all very competitive, and I just don't really enjoy their company - everything turns into a pissing contest, and they definitely take me less seriously because I'm a woman."
"I stopped interacting with them beyond the mere minimum and choose to hang out with other people."
She explained how her recent success put her at odds with her male classmates.
"I did well in our recent exams (I topped two out of four exams we had so far). Our prof congratulated me during class (I wouldn't have advertised this myself)."
"Ever since then, my interactions with a specific group of male classmates have gotten weird. They're now outright rude and challenge me aggressively in class discussions."
"We recently had some presentations and one of them chose to do theirs on, to put it simply, "pretty privilege" - they specifically pointed to two papers that suggested that pretty female students get overscored in assessments."
"The other guys in the group snickered, and one even gave me a wink. Afterwards, I heard them in the hallway joking that 'they had experience with that themselves.'"
"I've been seeing a PhD student within our department for a month. He has literally nothing to do with our course. Well, we ran into one of my course mates A, together."
"The next day in class, his friend B asked me if "my boyfriend" helped me with exams. He said this intentionally loudly and in front of the professor, who heard this."
"I replied that I don't have a boyfriend (cause he's not my bf), but then B pointed out that he had run into me with the PhD student, making a point to say his name (the prof knows him)."
"I just replied that we're only friends."
"They didn't let up - I heard that they discussed this thing in two more classes, in earshot of the professors."
"Both times, they suggested I got help for my exams (I wasn't even seeing him then)."
"I didn't confront them, but this has been causing me so much anxiety - even without the exam accusations, I worked hard to get here and I don't want to be known among the faculty for my dating life."
She sought out help from the administration.
"I raised this issue with my supervisor without the intention of taking it any further, but I wanted her advice as a woman in academia."
"She convinced me to let her email their supervisors 'to remind them of proper conduct' and described their treatment of an 'unnamed female student.'"
"She didn't name me, but they figured it out. They confronted me after class and asked me why I would report their 'silly joke.'"
"Apparently, their supervisors are now very cold towards them and less interested in helping."
"It's not a formal complaint - only their supervisors know - but one of them, C, said his supervisor writes the reports for his financial aid/scholarship and it was my fault if he lost out on that."
"I now feel a bit embarrassed, and this was compounded by a friend telling me I took it too far cause C shouldn't lose out on his scholarship."
"So, reddit - AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"Any retaliation should also be reported. They're angling for some big problems if they keep this up." - thirdtryisthecharm
"This is sexual discrimination and harassment, and he should lose his scholarship if the school chooses."
"They can pretend it was a joke, but you have several people who can verify they did this in other classes she wasn't in."
"They were trying to get her in trouble or expelled for doing better than them. That's illegal harassment. NTA" - babcock27
"NTA - they know what they're doing because jokers like this have been doing it for years - undermine your accomplishments, question your abilities, and then act shocked when you stand up for yourself."
"I'm happy (and somewhat surprised) that the faculty and administration are treating this as seriously as it deserves."
"Nolite te bastardes carborundorum." - GreaterAmberjack
"NTA.
Tell them maybe people would be more motivated to help them if they smiled more." - lordliv
"If their "pretty privilege joke" made you lose out on a scholarship or caused you to be graded extra hard, they wouldn't give it a crap."
"They intentionally and repeatedly made this "silly joke" out loud in front of professors."
"NTA. Maybe they should have thought about treating you with respect and professionalism BEFORE it had to come from a place of authority." - anyoldname7
"Bigots have been excusing misogyny and harassment by saying it was "just a joke" since time immemorial."
"It was NOT just a joke, and this comment is exactly on point: they tried to torpedo OP on purpose, in front of multiple professors."
"OP, do not let these "jokers" or your frankly terrible friend make you second guess yourself or your integrity. You are doing great."
"NTA." - glitterymayhem
"NTA, if misogynists want to be awarded scholarships, then they should be quieter 🙂" - ncndsvlleTA
"You're NTA, and it wasn't a "silly joke." It was repeated harassment and constant implications that you're not worthy of your grades and haven't earned your way to where you are."
"You don't deserve that, and it should have been reported. It's a shame those guys are so insecure and jealous of your accomplishments, but any consequences that befall them are well earned." - Dittoheadforever
"NTA at ALL"
"These men can't stand having a competent woman around. I have worked in a male-dominated field for over a decade, and I want to commend you on standing up for yourself."
"This is bullsh*t you shouldn't have to put up with, and I'd start documenting everything."
"I'd also go talk to that first professor 1:1 and ask them not to announce your grades publicly again. I had to do that in my undergrad, and it helped immensely."
"Good luck OP, don't let these immature a**hats chase you away from something you love." - Ok_General_6940
"Agree completely with you!"
"Been working in a male-dominated field for almost my whole career, and I still get 'you don't know what it's like on site' and 'those aren't the regulations' even when I can point to the exact part of the legislation where it says that they are wrong/incompetent."
"I've been asked if I slept my way into jobs, if my dad has anything to do with my career (he's a retired pub owner), and been asked if I was 'grumpy' because I was pregnant."
"No, I'm telling you to stop doing what you are doing because you are putting people in literal danger and need to stop it right now, I am more qualified than you."
"I could go on for hours with the bullsh*t weak men have tried to pull on me over the years."
"There are good ones who don't take it and stand up for me, ones that would never treat me that way but the bad ones are LOUD."
"The only way to deal with misogyny is to shut it right down. This behaviour is not acceptable, and won't be tolerated in the workplace of any reputable company, their clients, or customers."
"Definitely document anything, and report to your professor that they confronted you about it and are blaming you for their actions (and reasonable consequences) now too, and it is creating a hostile environment."
"NTA" - FiFi2789
"NTA. I am an old woman and had no resources back when I was in college and experienced this same thing."
"but I am so glad you do. I would report them again. and again and again. until they keep their remarks and their interactions to themselves."
"you won't change their minds. but you might be able to make them shut up about it. that guy deserves to lose his financial aid."
"do we want that kind of misogynist to profit from that attitude? or even despite it?"
"my dad said something once - and he said it sadly and with obvious sarcasm - 'there's only one thing worse than an intelligent woman, and that's an intelligent woman who is also beautiful.'"
"he was trying to explain the attitude of my peers. of course, not all men feel this way. my dad didn't, and he comes from the WWII generation. but there are always men who do." - SevereSwim7756
"NTA. They did this to themselves. Guys like that are the exact reason many women avoid certain fields. Keep fighting the good fight." - Vertigobee
"NTA - if making a "silly joke" is enough to lose him his scholarship, then perhaps he should think about whether it's so "silly" after all."
"They know they're harassing you. They're expecting to get away with it."
"And they're really being dealt with very gently here: in a lot of places that kind of behaviour, especially with it being done in front of staff, would get them suspended from their studies pending an investigation."
"The guy who might lose his scholarship is trying to guilt trip you into changing your report instead of thinking about what he did and the consequences (to himself, if he can't manage to think what it does to you and your wellbeing) and amending his behaviour accordingly."
"So he's indicating that he and his friends don't feel any responsibility for their actions."
"That being the case, you should feel no responsibility for the consequences of showing others how they are behaving." - redcore4
Best wishes to the OP on her education and upcoming transition into the job market.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.