As hard as it can be to let go, the best thing a parent can do for their child is prepare them and teach them how to be an adult themselves.
When parents refuse to let go, they create adult children who cannot take care of themselves, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Magic_Window_8161 had been comfortably settled into adulthood and could provide for himself for several years before his younger sister ever started college.
Because of how his parents raised her, however, the Original Poster (OP) quickly became their messenger for how she was doing, because they did not believe she could make it on her own.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my parents that I will not parent my younger adult sister?”
The OP refused to keep tabs on his younger sister while she attended college.
“I (24 Male) work at a university as IT support.”
“I have a younger sister, Cleo (20 Female), who started studying at this university in the Autumn of last year.”
“She’s moved out of the family home and into a house-share with two friends (our parents live three hours away from the school).”
“I love my sister, but she can be quite immature for her age. I think my parents have babied her a lot.”
“When Cleo got accepted into the university and decided that’s where she’s going, my parents made it clear they want me to keep tabs on her. They were worried she’s going to get a sketchy boyfriend, start drinking, or just generally be reckless.”
“I told my parents I’d check in with her to make sure she’s okay, but I’m not interested in spying on her every move.”
“They’d frequently call me to ask what Cleo is up to. Every time I’d say, ‘She seems fine, but you should ask her yourselves.'”
“It’s been pretty uneventful. Cleo seemed like her normal perky self and always told me she was fine when I asked, aside from a few small arguments with her housemates.”
The OP’s sister started a fire while learning how to bake.
“In the new year, Cleo tried to start up a Tiktok-based cookie business.”
“Last week, she called me because she had accidentally caused a kitchen fire. She fell asleep while cookies were in the oven (she said her phone’s alarm didn’t go off), and when she took them out, they were in flames, and she dropped them on the floor, and firefighters had been called.”
“No one was hurt, and other than the kitchen flooring and a bit of the walls, there was no major damage to the house, and it’s being covered by insurance and her deposit.”
“I comforted Cleo (who was understandably upset) and helped her talk to her landlord.”
Any trust the OP’s parents had in their daughter was gone.
“When my parents found out about this, they were absolutely distraught.”
“They said they don’t think Cleo can be trusted to be independent and demanded that I invite her to live with me so that I can keep an eye on her.”
“I live with my fiancée, and while we do have a spare bedroom, my fiancée is four months pregnant with our first ever child, so we already have a lot going on.”
“Plus, I don’t think this would help Cleo be a responsible adult.”
“My parents don’t seem to understand my perspective and said it’s my duty as Cleo’s big brother to take care of her, and they don’t feel comfortable having Cleo live away from home unless she’s with me.”
“They seem convinced that she will do this again and genuinely worried, but I don’t think she would after that scare, and everyone makes mistakes. We ended up arguing over this, and I said I’m not going to parent my adult sister.”
“Am I so wrong for not doing more for her like my parents want?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some couldn’t help but side-eye the OP’s parents for having no faith in his sister.
“NTA. Your parents failing to raise her does not obligate you to do so.”
“I am not saying this as a slight against OP’s sister. She does not sound that bad to me. This blanket statement applies anytime that a parent claims it is the duty of one child to care for or assist their other child(ren), regardless of whether that care and assistance is minor or major.”
“Would it be nice if they could help their sister? Yes, of course, but they are not an a**hole for saying no, regardless of their reason for saying no, and their parents are wrong for trying to claim it is their responsibility as the older sibling.” – Thriiiisy
“I wouldn’t even say that the parents failed to raise her; it seems like they’re just not giving Cleo enough credit.”
“Like yeah, the cookie thing was dumb and dangerous, but other than OP saying she can be immature, we have no evidence she’s any worse off than the average uni student.”
“I think it’s less that they failed to raise her and more that they cannot emotionally cope with presumably their youngest child moving out.” – Mac1692
“I’ve always been a bit of a ‘Momma’s boy’ (though I hate that term). My mom was my rock throughout my childhood, and I am her only child. When I went off to uni, there were a couple of tears and a lot of ‘what I’ve been up to’ calls (usually initiated by me).”
“But she trusted that she taught me well enough not to die when given independence. It’s fine for OP’s parents to be struggling or to want to be kept in the loop, but you can’t be demanding and controlling.”
“I’ve always been close to my mom because she gave me freedom, and was always there when I fucked up. These parents aren’t doing either right.” – plz2meatyuu
“Even if she is a tad immature- and don’t younger siblings always seem that way?”
“A minor kitchen accident is very common for a uni student. My building’s alarm went off constantly when I was that age. All uni student-aged adults have at least one area they’re super dumb about.”
“You’re right that OP’s parents are coping far worse than Cleo with the separation.” – agoldgold
“NTA. She is not your responsibility. Yes, the thing with the cookies wasn’t good, but she’s hopefully learned her lesson. You are having a baby, and that should be your focus. Not your sister.” – No-Solid3264
“I‘d even say OP is helping his sister a reasonable amount (helping talk to the landlord, asked about insurance and deposit, calming her). Having her life with him is just over the top helping.” – emadelosa
“If OP wants to help, he should buy her a fire extinguisher and make sure she knows how to work it. That would actually be a propositional big brother response as opposed to making her move in.” – Mac1692
Others pointed out that the dreaded cookie incident wasn’t even that big of a deal.
“It was dumb of her to take a nap while baking, but college students do dumb things as part of learning to be independent. Hopefully, she learned not to take a nap while baking.”
“If her parents can’t tolerate any mistakes or risk, then that might explain why she is immature at age 20. For people to learn to do new things, they have to get to actually do things by themselves. It’s the only way.” – Reasonable-Sale8611
“I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of people who live independently have had at least one potentially dangerous kitchen incident. They don’t all end in kitchen fires, but it’s just not that rare to turn something into charcoal in the oven or put something in the microwave that shouldn’t be in there.” – RainbowCrane
“The first time my parents left me alone, I tried to cook fries, the oil caught on fire, and I tried to put it out with water… I tried to play dumb when my parents got back home, but the kitchen window shades were melted, and there was soot on the ceiling. LOL.” – MageVicky
“Years ago, I put cookies in the oven and suddenly realized I had forgotten to run an important errand. I was gone for probably three or four hours.”
“On the way home, I see a fire truck on my street, and it dawned on me that the cookies were still in the oven. Thankfully, they were going somewhere else, and there was no harm done besides a dozen hockey pucks and a little smoke.” – Weird-Roll6265
“I tried to slide a pot of hot oil off the burner on a ceramic cooktop. I accidentally spilled some, which landed on the burner and caught on fire. I tried to smother it with a kitchen towel, and the kitchen towel caught on fire.”
“My daughter came running and dumped a box of salt on it, and that put the fire out. I am 68 years old and used to own a restaurant and certainly should have been able to handle that more easily!” – LdiJ46
“As a full-blown adult (who let me become that??), I have more than once tried to fry something and smoked out the house. I accidentally put Rice-A-Roni in the microwave for 99 minutes somehow. It was BLACK. And I’m actually a decent cook! And baker! But I cannot fry anything or make ricearoni.” – DisastrousBeeHive
“I had a small kitchen fire when I was 33 or so. An electric cooktop with the coil burners, some oil splashed on the hot burner somehow (don’t remember how it happened), and caught on fire. I panicked for a moment, and then remembered my fifth-grade fire safety unit, and grabbed a pot lid and slapped it over the burner (after turning the burner off).”
“It definitely scared the crap out of me, though! Honestly, I think more schools need to do a better job on fire safety, and what to do when there is a fire. Thanks, Mrs. Gargle, you did an awesome job!” – FloweredViolin
The subReddit was quick to reassure the OP that not only had he already helped his sister a healthy amount.
Not to mention that, with his sister learning to be independent and his future wife having a baby on the way, bringing those two worlds together full-time didn’t sound like the smartest plan.