When we receive good news, the natural thing we want to do is share that news with the people we love and celebrate it. But there are times when the good news should be kept quiet.
And a funeral is definitely one of those times, unanimously agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor Few-Extent-3804’s brother and sister-in-law clearly didn’t get that memo when they decided to make their pregnancy announcement at a mass family funeral.
When they continued to put the day’s attention back on them, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t keep quiet about their questionable behavior.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my Sister-in-Law (SIL) no one cares that she’s pregnant?”
The OP’s cousin just experienced a terrible tragedy.
“My cousin (33 Female), who I’ll call Mary, lost her husband (32 Male) and two of her three children (3 Female) and (9 months Male) in a car accident last week.”
“She and her daughter (5) are as you would expect; it’s just heartbreaking.”
“She’s on suicide watch now. Someone has to be with her at all times because he wanted to leave the kids at home, and she told him to bring the kids with him to the store so she could do laundry and take a shower. She’s blaming herself.”
“Her daughter was with me (we are extremely close) that day for a girly day.”
The OP’s brother and sister-in-law had an announcement they couldn’t wait to share.
“Today was the funeral, and my brother’s wife (26) announced her pregnancy the second they arrived at our house this morning.”
“We were like, ‘Okay, congratulations, but please keep it on the down-low for today.'”
“But when we arrived at the church, she kept making gagging sounds and robbing her stomach, saying, ‘I as a mom can’t imagine what she is going through.'”
“They have no kids, though, so people would look at her funny, and she’d tell them she was pregnant.”
“My manly man uncle (you know the kind) broke down crying at how small the coffins were.”
“When my cousin’s brother-in-law carried the blue coffin on his shoulder, I tried, I honestly did for my cousin, to hold it in, but when the little girl’s pink princess coffin with the Anna doll passed me, I couldn’t anymore. I ugly cried. I actually feel selfish by saying I booked a therapy session after today.”
The OP’s sister-in-law continued her behavior after the funeral.
“After at my aunt’s house, my sister-in-law kept making everything about her. Like when someone was in the bathroom, she would loudly say, ‘Pregnant lady needs to pee.'”
“She literally told my cousin’s sister to give her the seat she was using so ‘the lady with a baby could rest her feet.'”
“I ignored her until she came to Mary, stuck out her flat belly, and said, ‘Issac and I just found out I was pregnant, and honestly, we are beside ourselves that this could happen to us.'”
“Mary broke down.”
The OP lashed out at her sister-in-law.
“I snapped, like, who says that to a woman who just literally lost two babies?”
“I said loudly to my sister-in-law, ‘No gives a f**k that you’re pregnant. Look around, it’s not just one, but two, babies’ funerals, not to mention the love of Mary’s life. I knew you were an attention-seeker, but for f**k’s sake, you took the test four days ago. Just leave.'”
“She left in tears, and my bother called me a fat bitter b***h.”
“I’ve gotten phone calls from my brother and sister-in-law’s family, calling me a world of names because I made a pregnant woman cry.”
“If I’m being honest, even though Mary and my aunt thanked me because it was all making her upset, I feel worse about making a scene.”
“Please put me in my place if I’m wrong. AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were appalled the SIL could think this was a good idea.
“I cannot find any mitigating circumstances for how your SIL behaved and I’m really good at being able to see multiple sides to any situation. I’m frankly appalled.”
“Her behavior would have been obnoxious if the gathering had been a family birthday brunch. That it was a funeral, for multiple people including babies, made it shocking.”
“NTA. Someone needed to shut her down. Sorry it had to be you.” – NoiseProvesNothing
“No words. That is truly one of the most heartbreaking images I could imagine. I am so incredibly sorry for your cousin. Sending you all my internet stranger condolences.”
“Definitely NTA. I’m absolutely gobsmacked that your SIL could make something this tragic about her. I don’t even know anyone affected, and I am misty-eyed and shook.” – AllTheT1
“It sounds like your family is going through a really hard time.”
“Your SIL was being insensitive and behaving poorly. Under the circumstances, you can absolutely forgive yourself for losing your temper. Your cousin must have been distraught.”
“NTA.” – alphorilex
“This is one of those where I read the title and went, ‘I can’t imagine how you could not be the a**hole,’ and then read the post and went, ‘…oh.'”
“NTA. I am not normally a scene-making person, but this is the kind of thing that making a scene is FOR. I am not normally one for publicly shaming someone but this is what public shame is FOR.”
“Sometimes someone’s behavior is so far beyond the pale that the kindest and most righteous act for everyone else involved is to make a godd**n scene.”
“Which you did. I’m so glad you were there to stand up for your cousin.”
“Your poor cousin, your poor cousin’s daughter. Reading this made me feel just absolutely sick for them. I’ll be lighting a candle for them (and the rest of your family) today.” – thievingwillow
“I hope with all my heart that one day your poor grieving cousin is able to forgive herself. She did nothing wrong, nothing at all. It should have been a perfectly ordinary decision for the kids to go with her husband so she could get the chores done.”
“We all make decisions like this on a daily basis, hundreds if not thousands of times… and she is NOT at fault for the fact that on this one day, this one time, the consequences were terrible beyond imagining. That was just blind, awful bad luck.”
“And everything you did here is completely acceptable, understandable, and justified. Your SIL is incredibly selfish, and your cousin is lucky to have you. You are a good person.” – beneaththeseracs
Others tried to comfort the OP and her extended family.
“In the event your cousin is ever in a place to read this post, let me just put this out here:”
“THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did nothing wrong by asking for time to DO LAUNDRY. Even if you’d asked hubs to take them because you wanted to scroll aimlessly on Reddit, it wouldn’t be your fault.”
“This was a tragic accident. You’re a GOOD MOM and you were a GOOD WIFE. Bad things happen but they didn’t happen because of you.” – StuckInTheSun31
“It’s not selfish to seek help. It is heartbreaking to bury any child.”
“It’s also not selfish to seek therapy because your cousin and her kid are going to need you. And you can’t give them the support they need if you are empty inside.”
“The best advice I can give about grief is this: it doesn’t get better, but with time it does get easier to bear.” – lucyswag
“You getting therapy isn’t selfish. You getting support for your loss will better enable you to support your cousin through her loss.”
“You are using ring theory. You are supporting in (cousin) and dropping out (therapy).”
“Yes, her hurt is bigger but that doesn’t mean you don’t need help. She lost an arm and a leg but that doesn’t mean you don’t need stitches and some antibiotics.”
“NTA.” – Common_Towel
“Oh OP, I am sending you so much love, you and all of your family and your poor cousin most of all. Bawling is good. Therapy is good. This kind of pain is deep, and terrible, and very hard to come back from.”
“Breathe.”
“You did the right thing to stand up for her, you truly did.”
“Have some water, cry, and breathe. It will take time for this to mellow down, not only for your cousin but for the whole family. That is how it is supposed to be.”
“You are supposed to be heartbroken for something like this. You are supposed to be sad, angry at whatever fate or deity you believe in, and it is supposed to overwhelm you.”
“But breathe. Cry. Let it flare, let it burn. And know that in time, it will change, for all of you.”
“You are a good person.” – MistressLyda
“My absolute best to your cousin and her daughter! And to you. What a dreadful thing to happen. Internet rando here will try to pass on good vibes.”
“NTA. Your SIL was so disgustingly out of line. I would honestly go NC (no contact) with her and your brother. That behavior was the most horrendous thing I’ve read, and this is Reddit.” – AdministrationThis77
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update about a follow-up argument:
“A little update. I found out this morning that my brother and sister-in-law harassed my cousin with phone calls for her to talk to me about yesterday.”
“My aunt gave both of them an earful and then made my cousin turn off her phone.”
“My brother and sister-in-law were at my parents’ house, trying to get their side in (my parents are on my side) when I arrived. They both came at me screaming and yelling about my sister-in-law’s feelings and how she could miscarry from the stress I caused her.”
“I told them a funeral, especially one for two children, isn’t the time to announce a pregnancy and that they should get the f**k out of my face.”
“My SIL said if I didn’t lose my attitude and apologize, I’d never be in their child’s life.”
“I told her I didn’t care and if she was gonna use the kid as a weapon, I didn’t want to be in its life anyway.”
“Things got heated and my father ended up kicking out my brother and sister-in-law.”
“So yeah, all this drama at a time when we should be there for one another.”
The subReddit was appalled on the OP’s, and especially her cousin Mary’s, behalf for how her brother and sister-in-law had behaved.
Not only was this an impossible time for Mary, but for someone to be so oblivious as to think that announcing a pregnancy at a funeral was appropriate behavior, they clearly had another thing coming.