We all have preferences in our relationships. From a person's height to hair color to personality, there are some characteristics we're naturally more drawn to.
But we shouldn't hold something that naturally happens against the person we love, like growing body hair, pointed out the users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Leggingsarepants1234 had always felt supported and comforted by her husband, but one night, he surprised her by saying that she was unattractive when she didn't shave her legs in the winter.
When he refused to apologize for what he said, the Original Poster (OP) went on a bedroom strike.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for being upset with my husband for asking me to shave?
The OP had not shaved in a while because of the weather.
"My husband and I live in the north, it is winter, and I have not shaved my legs in probably about a month due to seasonal depression and not needing to wear shorts in this weather."
"My nails are always done, my hair is always fixed, my makeup is always on, and my clothes are always clean and styled. I also exercise five days per week and make home-cooked meals every night. The only thing I'm 'behind' on is shaving my legs, just because it's wintertime."
"My husband has never said anything about this in the past."
The OP's husband had a surprising reaction to seeing her unshaven legs.
"We've been together through ten years and two kids. He absolutely did all the supportive things for me while pregnant and postpartum and watched our kids be born, which made what happened recently feel so out of left field for him."
"My husband came to bed and saw me lying with one leg out of the covers and commented on my leg hair."
"He then asked if we were supposed to have sex after seeing my leg like that."
"I told him I could go shave but it would take a while and I'm already in bed so I really didn't want to."
The OP tried to talk to her husband about this, but it made everything worse.
"He just told me again how unattractive and manly it is to have hair on my legs."
"I don't prefer body hair, but I've never asked him to shave it because I love him, the person, and I'm attracted to him, the person, regardless of how much body hair he has."
"He just looked p**sed like he didn't think it was the same thing. What the h**l?"
"I told him to forget it and that we're not having sex again until he understands what upset me and apologizes for being so rude. Am I supposed to want to have sex with someone who treated me so badly and made me feel ashamed of my body?"
"Am I in the wrong here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some confided to the OP that they also didn't shave as much in the wintertime.
"If women were supposed to be smooth, we wouldn't grow hair. It's the winter. I rarely shave my legs in the winter. My husband never says anything." - AbsurdDaisy
"It's negative-12 degrees here with negative-50 windchill. I need my leg hair to keep me warm! My hubby doesn't care and still wants to have sex with me every chance he gets!" - holybucketsitscrazy
"I like the feeling of being smooth, but in the winter, that becomes a maybe once or twice a month thing."
"My husband has never said anything to me about it, and our sex life has not suffered."
"When I was pregnant, he offered to shave me, lol (laughing out loud), but just to reiterate, that was because I like being smooth and he wanted to make the mother of his child happy and comfortable." - viamatherd
"Wait. Women are supposed to shave their legs in the winter? Meanwhile, your husband gets to strut around in all his hairy wonder?"
"If we're going to complain about body hair in the wintertime, let's focus on the hair that's often visible, like FACIAL HAIR that men often don't shave in the winter (to keep their faces and necks warm), hair that they let grow out longer than usual (to keep their heads warm), and arm hair, which naturally gets thicker in the winter (again, for warmth)."
"I won't mention the chest and the legs, because they usually aren't visible under the warm clothes."
"Women want to be warm, too. And unless they're going out in see-through tights and short skirts all the time, none of their hair is going to be visible."
"If you have to shave to be sexy and to get him in the mood now, so does he."
"Definitely NTA." - littlemonstersmama
"Nothing could stop my husband. I could be covered in yeti fur and he'd be into it. Because you know, it's just hair and he loves me." - littlescreechyowl
Others agreed and pointed out they would love their partner, hairy or not.
"I love my wife when she shaves her legs, I love my wife when it's been a few months since she shaved, I love my wife when it's been a day and it's the prickles, I love my wife when she missed that little spot by her knee because she always knicks it and has thusly given up..."
"I think I might just love my wife? NTA." - makemebad48
"It's so wild to hear about men having a problem with leg hair. When I was first dating my partner, we went hiking, which we both love, and he noticed I shaved my legs and said, 'If you let your leg hair grow out, you'll have a better chance to feel ticks and leeches climbing up your legs.'"
"I stopped shaving them after that and it's never been an issue for him." - Lazy_Adeptness_9076
"Meanwhile, my boyfriend rubs my hairy legs. One day, one of his friends saw them and said I needed to shave my legs for my man."
"Immediately, my boyfriend shot in with, 'Why the f**k would I care if there's hair on her legs? I'll rub her hairy legs all night.' He shut that dude DOWN." - SecretOscarOG
"My daughter had a boyfriend who had a foot-in-mouth problem. One particularly chilly winter day, my daughter's then-boyfriend noticed she had leg fur."
"A normal person might have thought twice before deciding to bring it up as a conversation piece during dinner. But no, not this bright spark. He not only brought it up across the table, but he laughed with a fork full of food in his gob. Him being the only one laughing made it even more awkward for him."
"My daughter has never been one to hesitate when matching someone's sarcasm or wit when aimed at her. So, she waited until he was quiet, looked him in the eye, and said, 'If you don't like body hair, go f**k a dolphin.'"
"Then she promptly stood up, said, 'I'm full and you're out.' She ended it with her boyfriend right then and went to run a bath. She's crazy; I love her." - Pretty_Recover_2977
Some pointed out other parts of the husband's argument that left them cringing.
"'He just looked p**sed like he didn't think it was the same thing.' What do you MEAN it's not the same thing? Men have body hair too, lol (laughing out loud)."
"It sounds like he expects u to always be perfectly groomed but doesn't hold himself to the same standard, which is so messed up. Like, if he doesn't like it, he can f**k off honestly." - Forestdusk
"'He then asked if we were supposed to have sex after seeing my leg like that.' No, a**hole, you're supposed to make her WANT sex. But if you're using 'supposed to' as an expectation, go ahead and toss that s**t right out the window."
"OP, you're NTA. But your hubby is something else." - OkHedgewitch
"NTA. It's not about your leg hair; it's about how he approached the situation."
"If he can't respect you as you are, that's a huge red flag. Sex shouldn't be an obligation; it should be about connection and desire and JOY, not 'expectations.'"
"Definitely NTA here, your husband needs a lesson in respect." - Lexiebaby69
"My boyfriend tells me he doesn't mind because he wants to still get laid, lol (laughing out loud). Like, cmon, we have a preference, but we're all adults here and adults have hair. Grow up, OP's husband." - Mental-Diamond-7039
"The whole 'supposed to' thing is a major red flag. It's like he thinks he's entitled to intimacy based on his preferences, instead of fostering mutual respect and desire."
"NTA, OP. If he's not showing the same understanding and acceptance, he needs a wake-up call." - miaasparkles
"I'm very confused and it's not the first time today. If it's manly to have leg hair, why does hair grow on women's legs?"
"I want to recommend buying him a biology book but it's possible that he may be unable to open it the right way up. So instead, I would like to suggest that you google 'hair follicles' and send him the results."
"Then make a couples appointment at your local waxing salon. You can get your legs done and he can get the back, sack, and crack treatment."
"I can guarantee two things."
"His voice will forget that it broke over a decade ago and he will be singing two octaves higher than he currently does after his treatment. And he will never mention your leg hair again."
"Hope this helps. NTA." - chez2202
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's husband treated her and expected her to look a certain way just to interest him.
The OP wasn't "manly" for naturally growing body hair, and her husband wasn't being "manly" by criticizing her, either.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.