Redditor ThrowRAexFexH is a single mother whose best friend "Ana" left her husband to move in with her affair partner and gave full custody to her ex-husband, "Ben."
The Original Poster (OP) is also the godmother to the separated couple's two boys, who get along well with her son in a situation she acknowledged as a "weird set up" that worked well.
When a new romantic relationship began developing, she became confused as to what the next steps should be moving forward.
She sought advice from the Relationship Advice subReddit and asked strangers on the internet:
"Should I (33 f[emale]) tell my 'best friend' (33 f[emale]) that I'm going to start dating her ex husband (34 m[ale])?"
"I was best friends with Ana since we were 18 in college. She married her now ex when she was 24 but left him 3 years ago to move in with her affair partner a few states away."
"They have 2 boys together (8 m[ale] and 6 m[ale]). Her ex, who I'll call Ben, got full custody and Ana didn't really fight for it and was happy to just pay child support. She's only seen her boys less than 5 times since the divorce."
"I'm a full time single mom with a son of my own (6 m[ale]). I'm a trust fund baby so that's what supports us."
"I'm the godmother to both of Ana's boys and we all live in the same neighborhood and their home is just a 5 minute walk away from ours. Ben works full time and sometimes has to work late in the office so I usually babysit the boys."
"I've been in their life since they were born so they've always been comfortable around me. My son and his sons are really close too since they grew up together and are pretty much brothers at this point. It's a weird set up but it works for us."
"I've had feelings for Ben for the longest time but didn't act on it cause I didn't want to ruin what we currently have. The divorce was hard on him too and I didn't want to make things even more difficult."
"I don't do what I do for his family cause I have feeling for him or anything... I genuinely love those two little boys."
"Last night (technically just a few hours ago) I dropped my son off at his house for a sleepover and [Ben] insisted he walk me home. His mother was staying for a couple of weeks so the boys had someone to watch over them."
"We took the longer (15 minute) route and ended up talking and he told me he's had feelings for me but was too afraid to say anything too. Well, long story short we kissed and we're now going on a date next Friday. It was magic."
"Now, my question is... Should I tell Ana? While the split hurt our friendship, I'm still in contact with her and we talk about 2 times a month or so. She's told me that she still loves Ben and misses her kids and how much she regrets leaving for a richer man."
"Then she posts pictures all lovey dovey with him somewhere overseas. She's been unstable for the last couple of years which is why I remained in contact with her as her support system but I sometimes consider cutting her off cause she's toxic."
"Ben knows he still communicate but has told me he didn't want to know anything about her and what she's up to."
"Should I give Ana a heads up and talk to her about it? Is she even owed an explanation? I'm just afraid that she might go nuclear if she finds out and somehow involve the kids."
"Advice would be helpful, thank you very much."
Redditors weighed in with their input, with many questioning her loyalty to Ana.
"Why are you friends with her again? She cheated on her husband, left him for richer AP, pretty much ditched her children, and then has the audacity to say she loves her ex and misses her kids?"
"How many times have you seen her in the last three years? She doesn't have any right to know just yet. Wait and see what develops with Ben, then tell her. She will most likely try to sabotage your budding relationship when she finds out. You and Ben should be prepared for that."
"Good luck!" – MaverickWildcat
Those quick to slam Ana were cautioned to withhold their animosity without knowing the full story.
"There's a big lack of empathy and consideration here. You should keep in mind that Ana is a human being with her own story as well, and condemning her this hard is a bit much."
"We don't know her part of the story. What we do know however is that she told OP about her feelings and that they consider each other friends. Since everything else is subjective, I'd say all we can determine is that there's good reason to assume Ana might want to be informed and equally good reason to actually do so."
"So, OP, IMO you should tell her. You don't need to take sh*t and you can react to her reaction however you feel appropriate. But from what we know it seems like you should tell her that." – RedFlashyKitten
The OP responded:
"I sometimes ask my self the same question. I guess it's the history? I don't know. She's lost friends over the years and I've pretty much been the only constant in her life."
"And I'm not exactly sure about her logic but I do have a feeling she's being somwhat honest about still being in love with Ben in her own twisted way. I've seen her about as many times as she's seen her kids. Like I said, Im around a lot and I see her boys pretty much every day."
When another Redditor insinuated that the OP's friendship was one-sided, she said:
"It does feel like she wants me to be a part of her life, but doesn't want to be part of mine if that makes sense. Like I'm a safety net or a constant presence of some sorts."
"And yeah, I've always wanted someone who would be a father figure to my son. Ben is already that to him."
As far as telling Ana about the OP's budding relationship, people suggested she give it time.
"I would say see how it goes with Ben and in a couple of months, if you're a couple, you can let her know. But it's not your concern if she's unstable."
"She's walked away from her marriage and her kids. And if she goes nuclear, get a restraining order against her and call the cops if she tries anything with you." – DanZeeRelationships
"Date Ben, but I think you both should discuss what will happen when she finds out. She will use everything she knows about you to try to destroy your relationship with him."
"You've been friends since college - any youthful indiscretions, wild parties, drug/alcohol use, relationships gone bad - she will dredge it all up and use it against you."
"Never mind if she was there with you, behaving the same, as college kids do everywhere. And never mind that you are now an adult with adult responsibilities and have left that all behind."
"So, talk to Ben about keeping this on the down low until you decide it is serious. Once it is, HE should let the ex know and be prepared for the vitriol."
"Knowing it is coming should help you prepare to ignore it. Hopefully she won't try to change the custody arrangements out of spite, but those typically don't change unless there is a change in circumstances of the parent(s)."
"IMPORTANT: Both you and Ben should save any angry or threatening texts, e-mails, or voicemails in case you need to get a restraining order."
"Best of luck!" – saranes
"She is no longer your best friend. It is really Ben's place to decide if and when Ana should be notified. I think the two of you decide when is appropriate, provided it gets serious."
"I think you should also prepare with Ben what both of you should say. I doubt Ana cares, as she is in her new relationship." – Oh_Wiseone
To date, she and Ben have not told anyone about their relationship but suspect his mother―who the OP said was "really nice" and treats her son "kindly"―knows what is going on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.