It’s a major milestone when a couple decides to start living together.
Often viewed as one of the last steps towards marriage, this is where couple’s officially decide “what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours”.
Though it could also be when one half of the couple becomes firm and resolute in what is rightfully theirs.
Redditor throwawayseparatebed was looking forward to moving in with her boyfriend, but surprised him with her somewhat unusual plans for their living situation.
One her boyfriend was not on board with.
Wondering if her plans for their new apartment were so out of the ordinary, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for wanting a separate bedroom from my boyfriend?”
The OP shared how her new apartment could finally allow her to realize a life-long dream, though it was a dream that did not include her boyfriend.
“It’s been my dream since a young age to have my own bedroom and decorate it how I like.”
“So, when I got my new apartment for my boyfriend (M[ale] 26) and I (F[emale] 27) for us to move in together, I asked him which bedroom he’d like for himself.”
“Initially, he thought I was joking when I asked for separate rooms, but when he realized I was serious, he got really mad and called me ‘crazy’ and ‘out of touch’ for insisting on separate bedrooms.”
“I told him that this was something I always wanted once I had my own place, but he called me an a**hole for not considering his feelings and what other people would think about our situation.”
“I understand that this rooming situation may not be normal, but I think it’s fine to live how we want no matter what other people have to say.”
“So, AITA for deciding that my boyfriend and I get separate rooms even though he wants to share a room?”
“A lot of people have asked if I made clear before that we would have separate bedrooms.”
“I had told him before I finalized the lease ‘I’ll let you have first pick on your bedroom’ and ‘I can’t wait to have my own bedroom/space’.”
“Also, I don’t know if you would find this relevant, but he is under no pressure to move in.’
‘I initially bought this apartment for myself, and he still has his own apartment, but while I was securing my lease, he told me that he’d like to move in too, which I agreed to.’
‘I’m still the sole owner of this apartment and I’m paying the rent.’
‘He still has his apartment and hasn’t moved out yet and is still paying rent there.’
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided on whether or not anyone was at fault.
Many felt that neither the OP or her boyfriend did anything wrong, but rather that they should have been discussed in more detail before moving in.
“I don’t think you’re an AH but I think it probably should have been discussed IN DEPTH early on.”
“As you’ve referenced in other comments, I understand why you may have thought he realized you meant 2 separate rooms.”
“I don’t know how he wouldn’t have recognized what you meant either, but regardless I think it would have been better to discuss it directly and more in depth, as in specifically asking if having 2 separate rooms was okay.’
‘Just to avoid possible confusion.”
“NTA for wanting 2 separate rooms in general though.”
“That’s understandable, at least to me.”- Medium_Jellyfish_347
‘NAH, but it sounds like there were some errors in communication.”
“It seems plausible that your boyfriend thought by ‘your own bedroom’ you meant one that you weren’t sharing with anyone except him.”
“You each probably could have been clearer about your expectations.”
“But it’s not really something worth getting mad about on either side, there’s lots of possible resolutions that work out for both of you.”- ANerdyEnby
“He’s allowed to want to sleep with you and you’re allowed to not want that.”- musical_spork
“I don’t think either of you are TA.”
“However, the communication does not seem to have been clear on all fronts here.”
“While you may think that communication was clear from your perspective, it may not have been picked up on his side.”
“In future, instead of making comments in passing, have a sit down chat and discuss these things properly.”
“You are both fine with what you request and there is absolutely nothing wrong with both wanting separate rooms and a shared room, but that needs to be well known and understood by both parties prior to said arrangement happening.”- 333Ginger333
“Probably something you should have mentioned before deciding to get a place together.”
“And specified that you wanted to sleep in separate rooms.”
“If you told him prior to this he probably equated it to being along the lines of a ‘man cave’ type situation where it was a place for you to hang out, not sleep.”
“I can see how some may view it as a little weird, especially in a relationship, but you do you.”-TheSciFiGuy80
“My boyfriend and I have our own rooms.”
“It surprised people but not once has anyone shamed us for it.”
“In fact, many have expressed it being a smart idea.”
“It’s not for everyone sure.”
“Perhaps have a chat on why it’s important for him to share a room with you.”
“Is he concerned with lack of intimacy?”
“You are NTA and valid in wanting your own room.”
“Don’t let him push you on that.”
“It’s a desire you’ve always had and y’all can always sleep over anytime.”- Next_Lettuce2650
“NAH, but it’s definitely one of those things you should discuss before cohabitation.”- My_Panache
“The first thing that made me go was the ‘what others think about our situation’ line.”
“First off, it’s no one else’s business what happens in YOUR bedroom(s) and if they have an issue, that’s a them problem, not a you problem.”
“Second, sleeping next to someone who snores, has a bad cold and is coughing all night or is in a bad mood sucks, plain and simple.”
“Having your own bedroom sounds fantastic and it’s actually becoming more and more common among couples.”
“In this case, he needs to pick HIS bedroom in HIS apartment if he’s going to have such a tantrum over this.”
“I have been single for the better part of 9 years and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to share a bed with someone every single night.”
“Get together for some fun and have my own bed to retreat to sounds fantastic!”-efultz76
Others, however, found that the OP was at fault for not making it clear to her boyfriend that one of the reasons for getting her own apartment was to get her own bedroom and decorating it her own way, while others felt that her boyfriend overreacted to this news.
“I did read your edit but unless you sit down and actually discuss separate beds no one is going to expect to be sleeping in separate beds.”
“Little comments are not enough for something this big and serious.”-Educational-Stop8741
“He overreacted but based on your edit, I don’t think you made it clear that you wouldn’t be sharing a bedroom with him.”
“Luckily, you two didn’t get this place together and he’s free to return to his own place.”-GlassSandwich9315
“YTA for not discussing this earlier.”- CrystalQueen3000
“It’s fine to live how WE want to.”
“Doesn’t sound like that’s how he wants to live, only you.”
“Also, it sounds like communication isn’t all that great in the relationship if this topic wasn’t already discussed previously between you all.”-TuckAwayThePain
“Not for wanting your own room, but because your boyfriend isn’t ok with it, and your entire reason for thinking it’s ok is because ‘it’s fine to live how WE want no matter what’ but it’s NOT what he wants.”
“You knew having separate rooms is non traditional so should have brought it up with him before moving in together.”
“As it is you blindsided him and expect him just to be ok with it.” – Worried_Aerie_7512
“You worded it on a deceptive way.”
“That ‘bedroom/space’ remark is very misleading, as you lead him to believe it was just a personal space for you but you would still sleep with him on a couple bedroom.”-Specialist-Leek-6927
“YTA here for being deceptive.”
“I, also surprised that, at your age you don’t recognize you can decorate EVERY room.”-_PeanutbutterBandit_.
“YTA, a tiny bit.”
“Communication should have been clearer, a lot clearer.”
“It’s the norm for couples to share a bedroom when they move on.”
“Telling him to pick a room makes it seem like you were telling him to pick the room y’all will share not the room he will sleep in.”
“Yes you should have talked to him about how he feels about sleeping in separate rooms vs telling him to pick a room.”
“You never once asked ‘are you ok with us not sharing a bedroom’.”
“When you drastically depart from such a basic common thing with no push back, you should assume they aren’t fully understanding what you are saying.”- Rumpelteazer45
It seems the issue might not be so much that the OP doesn’t want to share a room with her boyfriend at the moment, but rather might not be ready to share a home with him.
Making one wonder if they maybe came to the decision to move in together somewhat prematurely.
It seems a serious conversation about the future of their relationship is in the cards.