For weddings in the United States, the best man has traditionally been tasked with planning the bachelor party for the groom.
But at some point, some grooms—and brides—decided they'll plan their own parties and then expect their wedding party to foot the bill sometimes to the tune of a thousand dollars or more.
Not every groomsman or bridesmaid can afford that.
Nor ard all that can afford it willing to shell out that kind of money on a party.
A couple struggling with a groom's big party plans turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fun_Milk_4560 asked:
"AITA for 'ruining' a bachelor party and uninviting myself to the wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I married my husband 5 yrs ago. For his bachelor night, his best friends took him out to a breastaurant—like Hooters, except it was Mexican food served by women in lingerie—and the 3 split his cheap meal, drink and 1 shot."
"It was pretty underwhelming and only took an hour, but we didn't say anything. These guys were 25, lived at home, no bills and all worked, so they could have done more with the year's notice they had to plan it."
"Five years later, his best man is getting married, and he is the best man for him now. My husband spent months trying to organize ideas for a bachelor night, but in the end, the groom told them he wants exactly this:"
"Everyone to bring alcohol to his home to pre-game, then 2 Uber XLs (on a Saturday night in the most expensive part of town) for the 8 men to go to a Brazilian Steakhouse ($63 per person), then 2 Uber XLs again to a club where they will get two bottles of table service (each bottle of 750ml Skyy Vodka is $300 before tip because a cute girl brings it out), then two more Uber XLs to the Casino where they will rent a room that sleeps four people (for 8 men) for $500/night and spend the night gambling.
"So at this point, we're looking at being out $1-2k upfront, while they 'get us back', and now he's saying he wants to rent the room Friday night as well."
"My husband has agreed to everything but the casino hotel, as he's out of his party phase and wants to come home. So we wouldn't be going in on it either."
"This has apparently ruined the entire bachelor party and the groom called us last night to ask why he won't just go along with everything and then accused us of having money issues."
"The entire wedding party is mad at us now and I've been feeling like I'm going crazy all day. Who asks this of people? I cannot imagine in my dreams ever calling someone and telling them they aren't spending enough money on me."
"Hubby made it clear we're just fine financially, but unlike them, we own a home, they're all childless and we have 3 kids in a ton of extracurriculars. This is how we choose to spend our extra money now."
"On top of this, he still has to rent a suit for a couple hundred, and we still need to get a nice wedding gift, so I feel like this financial ask is out of hand."
"I made a comment the groom heard—while he was guilting my husband over the phone for 1.5 hours—that they didn't do anything for him, so they should be happy we're going in on any of this absurd request."
"So for the next 30 minutes, the groom attacks me and my relationship with my husband. For example, he claims he didn't do anything for my husband's bachelor because he wasn't sure we were going to make it."
"I had been with my husband for 5 years at that point. I, unfortunately, know that he's never liked us, at least not together, which sucks because we're doing well 10 years in."
"So I went ahead and re-RSVP'd for just my husband to attend the wedding and declined for me and the kids."
"I even offered to pick my husband up so he can drink all night with the guys."
"So I've been stewing on this all day at work, so please let me know if I/we are the a-holes for not going along with this entire multi-day expensive bachelor party and bowing only myself and my kids out of attending the wedding."
"They've been best friends since kindergarten, so he's having trouble walking away, and I won't ask him to. But our conversation after we both calmed down was him realizing this pattern of behavior from this particular friend group is toxic and unending, so I think he's about to that point."
"My husband was perfectly fine with me and the kids backing out of attending. The backing out was entirely because of the personal insults to me and my relationship."
"I draw boundaries very clearly when people are disrespectful. There's no grudge about my husband's bachelor party, but I'm not going to pretend they did the same for him when they're asking for my credit card."
"He's not a bad guy overall. We were kind of hoping he'd catch up to us in terms of calming down, but he's trying to keep his party phase alive and well."
"The disrespect for our relationship was news to my husband and this happened last night, so he's still weighing his options on what to do with this."
"They've been best friends their entire lives pretty much, so I know why he's struggling. He's heartbroken to find out his friend has never supported us."
"I'm staying out of that part and just removing myself from the situation because I've said the nicest things I have left to say."
"He's well aware of my thoughts and he's basically at the point where he doesn't want to plan BBQs to include them and that we're on different paths right now. He's still willing to finish his wedding duties, because he cares deeply about this man, but he's not getting the casino hotel no matter what happens."
The OP summed up their situation.
"We are backing out of part of the bachelor party. The groom heard me say they didn't celebrate my husband and then I backed out of the wedding. So am I/are we the a**hole?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the asshole (NTA).
"'...then accused us of having money issues...'."
"AND IF YOU DID? As if you guys not having disposable cash is a problem for THEM. The GALL!"
"NTA. This is not about policing your husband's behavior or being a nag. This is someone who claims to be a friend demanding that your husband shell out an obscene amount of money for one night just to make him happy. Some kind of friend, that is!" ~ slackerchic
"NTA, obviously. He wants 1-2k of your money after putting in zero effort for your husband's party, he badmouths you, insults both of you. Why would you go?"
"You're being downright magnanimous." ~ CuriousTiktaalik
"NTA, but why is your husband taking it? No is no, set some boundaries. My husband would have told this guy to go F*ck himself for disrespecting me at all."
"And spending 1-2k is absurd on someone else's wedding, especially after the disrespect and entitlement to YOUR money, especially with children in the picture. The friend seems like a narcissistic a**hole, is he even a good person?" ~ Relwood01
"Tell him you're not sure if this marriage will last for him, so you'll do just the $63 meal, but will catch the rest on his next marriage…" ~ beached_not_broken
"NTA. You're good, because this dude is a petty child. Honestly, I'm surprised your husband even wants to go now with the amount of disrespect thrown towards your marriage." ~ Optimus_Prime-Ribs
"I like the way you're handling this, including not trying to exert influence over your husband. Well done."
"I suspect he'll come to very similar conclusions in his own time once he's had time to mourn the evident end of this friendship.
"And who knows, the friend may come crawling back, either when he has his own kids, or his wife ditches him because he refuses to grow up." ~ marvel_nut
"NTA. F*ck these types of bachelor/ette parties. Bride and groom need to pay for their own multi-day vacation instead of sticking it on their friends just because they're getting married." ~ andromache97
"NTA. Tell him you'll go to his next wedding. With this many demands for partying, his marriage won't last." ~ akcmommy
"NTA. After the groom's behaviour, I think tapping out of the wedding is a good idea, and then leaving it up to your husband to decide if he still wants to go and still offering to pick him up, etc...—all very reasonable." ~ LousView
"NTA. The groom is acting like a jerk. When you are in a wedding or throwing a wedding, you have to be sympathetic to everyone else's financial situations and compromise. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you get to be an entitled prick." ~ Haunting_Fish5804
It's rare to remain close friends since kindergarten. It sounds like these friends are no longer sharing their priorities in life. And the respect and effort seem only to go one way.
Maybe it's time to move on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.