Content Warning: Mentions of Affairs and Emotional Affairs, as well as Feeders and Feederism
They say that, "The way to a man's heart is through the man's stomach."
But if that's true, shouldn't it be a red flag if a man cooks for someone who could be confused for a possible romantic partner?
It might even be two red flags if he seems to be doing it to make his actual partner jealous, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Hot_City_3750 was on a diet to improve her health, and she'd opted out of all of the unhealthy foods that usually tempted her, at least for the time being, because it was hard to find a balance between snack-sized portions and complete overindulgence.
But when her husband lashed out at her for impeding on his passion to bake for her, and he went so far as to turn his attention to a female coworker and begin baking for her instead, the Original Poster (OP) was alarmed and confused.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for asking my husband to stop cooking for just one specific female coworker after I stopped eating his cooking?"
The OP's husband loved to cook for her, until she went on a special diet.
"My (31 Female) husband (29 Male) loves to cook and bake for me. And when I say for me, I mean just for me."
"He doesn't eat the things he makes. He's very fitness-centric when it comes to himself."
"A few months ago, because of my current weight problem, I asked him to stop cooking and baking for me."
The OP's husband wanted to continue cooking and baking, so he did it for someone else.
"The problem is, he started giving his food to one specific female coworker (35 Female). Not a group of coworkers or friends, just this one, specific person."
"I finally asked why he does it for this one coworker."
"He said it's nice to find someone who appreciates his efforts and who puts satisfaction over vanity regarding her weight. It was an obvious passive aggressive gab at me."
The OP's husband shamed her for questioning his new focus.
"I asked him if he's going to cook and bake for coworkers, to give it to more people instead of just to this one woman."
"He said I can't complain after rejecting his food."
"I feel like I brought this on to myself and now seem like a jealous, nagging wife. Am I being unreasonable?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed after reading the post and diagnosed the OP's husband as a feeder.
"The OP wrote, 'He doesn't eat the things he makes. He's very fitness-centric when it comes to himself.'"
"'He said it's nice to find someone who appreciates his efforts and who puts satisfaction over vanity regarding her weight.'"
"He sounds kind of like a hypocrite to me. He is vain about his weight but criticizes you. He sounds like a major AH."
"I hate to break this to you, but... he's a feeder, OP. That's why. NTA." - celticmusebooks
"He openly told you that he's doing it to bother you on purpose. Girl, stand UP."
"He also pointed out that he enjoys being appreciated... by another woman. That's a slippery slope. Again, stand the f**k up for yourself. NTA for now, unless you don't." - keeguschyst
"I definitely think this is feederism, but this sounds like an extreme enough case of feederism that he doesn't even like you unless he has the opportunity to fatten you up. Now that you've taken that away from him, he's punishing you. It's a k**k that you did not consent to; keep taking care of yourself, and get out of there." - Potent_19
"He called you vain for not eating his fattening food, but won't put it in his own body because he's, what's the word I'm looking for? Vain? Sounds like he wants you heavy to me." - Bulky_Succotash_7377
"This makes me so sad, because if he genuinely loved to cook and bake for you, like if that was his genuine, unconditional love language for you or something... then he could have heard you when you came back from the doctor and said that your weight was becoming a health concern, and he could have cooked healthy meals and desserts for you instead (and there are lots of ways to save money, too, when everyone's on the same diet, yay!)."
"NTA. What a loss." - 1RainbowUnicorn
"It's unfortunate, and there's likely no fixing it, but he is probably a feeder."
"Don't you think it's weird that your fitness-oriented husband calls YOU vain for not eating all the baked goods that he refuses to eat because he wants to maintain his fitness?"
"Most fitness-focused partners would be excited that their spouse wanted to drop weight and get more fit. They would encourage. Your husband does the opposite, and then he feeds treats specifically to one female coworker, comparing her reaction positively against your reaction."
"He has a fetish and is super pissed that you have stopped taking part in it." - PM_ME_UR_FANTA_SEAS
"So, he's a fitness nut and can care about how he looks, but you're vain because you want to lose some weight for your health? Your husband sounds… weird. And like an a**."
"NTA. This sounds like basically textbook feederism. And it's probably some kind of weird, vicarious enjoyment of the 'bad' food through you, his wife. Now that you care about your health too, he's looking for a new outlet." - Such-Examination1637
Others agreed and hypothesized that the female coworker was the husband's new target.
"The OP wants to lose weight, so he's already making a foundation with his coworker for whenever the possibility of a breakup (or worse, cheating) occurs, and is probably crying about, 'Oh, look at me, I'm a manly man who loves to bake and cook for my wife, but she's mean and won't eat what I make specially for her,' when she's not around." - No_Recipe_4284
"He's a fitness nut and a feeder. OP is right to be skeptical. It definitely seems like he's fattening up her replacement (no shame to the coworker)." - mouse_attack
"He wants you to be fat. That's his k**k."
"NTA."
"I hope she figures this out for herself and cuts him off, but for now, let him distract himself by trying to fatten up his coworker. You can smile as you continue to get healthy and fitter."
"But the divorce papers? Make them as fat as you can... and then run like h**l." - Immediate_Mud_2858
"Feeders get off on fattening possible romantic partners up with food."
"It's REALLY weird that he wants to focus his baking on one female person."
"Why not make enough for the whole team? Why take it so personally that you don't want food that sabotages your goal of maintaining your diet? He gets to have his healthy diet, but you should just shut up and eat whatever he wants to shove into your mouth?"
"This is marriage counseling stuff. At least." - Baudica
"I'm friends with a couple. They've been together for about three years, and it's been a running joke in our friend group that she's a 'feeder,' because her love language is very much cooking."
"She's great at it, and we all benefit sometimes, but he benefits every dang day. To the point that, a few months after they moved in together, he was running out of clothes that fit."
"It was a JOKE because we knew she wasn't really a feeder in the fetishistic/abusive sense. This was made even clearer when he decided he wanted to get back to a healthier weight."
"Did she stop cooking for him? F**k no! She just cooks healthier stuff now instead of the anything goes, indulgent mindset she had before. And she's been super supportive of him working out, and even started to do so herself. They both want to be healthy, for themselves and for each other."
"He's lost probably… 30 pounds? Maybe 40? That's just a guess because he's never volunteered numbers, and I've never asked, but I'd guess he's pretty close to his pre-girlfriend weight now and in much better shape overall."
"And they did all that without getting cute coworkers involved; go figure!"
"NTA, OP. You deserve your health. You deserve love. You deserve BETTER. Get out of that relationship; let him take his weird antics somewhere else, and hopefully get consent this time." - markay_ultra
The subReddit was thoroughly alarmed by how the OP was being treated by her partner, not just because he was focusing on another woman, but he seemed much more concerned about his happiness and his pride than about her health, even though he'd clearly prioritized his own.
It seemed likely that the OP's husband either wanted her to be of a certain weight or was worried that she'd grow the confidence to leave him if she lost weight, both of which are unhealthy mindsets to have in a relationship.
The OP deserved to turn her health around, and unfortunately, that might just have to include a chance to her relationship status, too.
