While moving into a new house is meant to be fun and exciting, some arguments are bound to come up as the new homeowners decide how to make the space their own.
Arguments like this have a way of exposing a person's potential negative qualities, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor was angry with his wife when she wanted to be involved in the designing of their finished basement, when he wanted the space for a man cave of his own.
When she continued to be angry, the Original Poster (OP) thought she would never give him permission.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for not wanting my wife to take part in designing the basement?"
A pair of newlyweds recently became new homeowners, too.
"I (26 Male) just got married to my wife (25 Female) back in September."
"My wife and I have been saving and investing throughout high school and college, so we were able to close on a really nice house."
"The house is 2800 sq. ft and comes with 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, a finished basement, a back patio with a hot tub, and a kitchenette."
"We bought this house as we are hoping to raise a family in this house."
The OP had a plan for how he wanted to go about designing the house.
"So we have two living areas, the basement living area, and the main floor living room."
"I figured my wife would want to take priority over the main floor, so I said that she could design the main floor living room the way she would like, as well as the master bedroom, but I wanted to design the basement living area the way that I want."
His wife was confused by him excluding her.
"My wife asked why she can't help with the basement, so I told her that I wanted to turn the space into a man cave, so whenever I invite friends over we would have a place to hang out."
"My wife was angry when I mentioned what the space would be used for and she said that she did not want to space to be turned into a man cave."
"She added that we both had to agree on how the basement living area would be designed and what it would be used for."
The OP was protective of his space.
"I was a little irritated after hearing this and so I told my wife that I am letting her design the living area and master bedroom 100% the way that she wants."
"I said I just wanted the basement living area to be completely the way I want."
"I also added that since we currently have no children and are not expecting one at the moment that she could use any of the bedrooms for something extra."
"After I said that, my wife started guilt-tripping me, saying that she was offended that I was 'excluding' her and how this is not just my house, but how it's our house."
"I haven't started anything yet in terms of designing the basement living area, but I really want a space in the house that's kind of my own and is designed the way that I want."
"I've tried explaining this to my wife but she keeps saying that I'm being selfish."
"I wanted to know if I am really being an a**hole here."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP was trying to control a large section of the home as his own.
"YTA, it's not a question of who designs which area; it's the fact that you're saying she can design two areas which will be for both of you, and you will take one entire section of this house as your own."
"This is something that should have been discussed before you bought a home." - Opinionated_123
"Ok, truly, the audacity of just assuming one gets a whole floor to themselves, not just for design but to use."
"Because it's totally reasonable to want to be involved in house design, but taking the whole basement as a man cave is always s**tty." - claws_and_chains
"Literally assuming any of a jointly purchased house is for your own exclusive design ideas/usage is s**tty."
"How hard is it to say, 'I was thinking this could be a games/media room for us to entertain in, I have some ideas about how I would like to set that up...'?"
"The use of 'man cave' denotes he expects this will be 'his' space. I feel immensely for OP's wife." - Kitchu22
"To be honest, I don't think it's s**tty to want a man cave/your own area, or to even ask for one, especially in a house with that much extra space."
"My fiance and I each have a room in our house that's completely whatever each of us wanted."
"What's s**tty is expecting that you get that space, expecting your partner to be okay with it, and being p**sy when they aren't."
"What you do with a house/room in a house is a joint decision." - LordPepperoniT*ts
"YTA. How generous of you to let her decorate shared living spaces for you and future children to enjoy while you get an entire basement for you and your buddies to party in."
"You cannot seriously believe that is fair? The fair thing would be to make the basement an entertainment room that you both design. You don't need a man cave, you need to consider your wife." - MyRockySpine
Others agreed and pointed out that OP's solution wasn't fair to his wife, either.
"I just loved how he is 'letting' her do so much to their shared spaces." - Nagadavida
"And the solution of taking one of the extra bedrooms, since they don't have kids yet or immediate plans, isn't good either."
"I guarantee you that basement has a lot more space for him to hang out with his friends and exclude her and her friends than the bedroom would have for her and her friends to hang out and exclude him and his friends."
"Plus, as soon as whichever kid meant they had to change one of the rooms they had plans for came along, she would be expected to give it up for the kid - after all, at that point, she's a mom, what does she need hobbies for?"
"YTA, OP, and while the whole thing sucks, this is what stuck out to me." - Rodinia47
"What women get 'gifted' are things like closet and pantry ownership. I understand many women love this and have more items that may take up this type of space, but that isn't necessarily a hobby or relaxing space."
"Maybe she has a crafting/sewing room or a place to create her make-up tutorials (sorry, I'm going really girly here, just trying to illustrate a point) but this is all stuff that wouldn't require a huge quadrant of the house." - Gotforgot
"He doesn't even ask if she wants to design it! 'I figured my wife would want to take priority over the main floor,' ugh, just ASK her."
"Decorating a house is such a bonding experience, creating a shared space together. She's probably bummed that they're not doing it together."
"Not to mention it's not like she's an interior decorator, so it's a huge burden to take on." - stolethemorning
"He essentially assigned her these rooms assuming that she'd want to do all the work herself, and then is annoyed that she doesn't view it as a fair 'trade' that he's going to design himself a clubhouse while she has to take care of shared space."
"It's like telling your partner what to make you both for dinner and then being annoyed when they're not happy that you're making dessert just for you." - PurrPrinThom
"He probably didn't even care to design the common spaces so he's framing it as him 'letting her,' so now he has this free bargaining chip to leverage and convince her that she now owes him, when he really gave nothing up in the first place?"
"And he's claiming an entire level of the house for his use to get away from her?? YTA" - basilobs
After receiving feedback, the OP shared several updates.
"Many people have suggested that I take one of the empty bedrooms and use that as a man cave rather than the whole basement living area."
"I think this is actually a good idea and I will bring this to my wife and see what she thinks."
"I will also ask what she was planning on using that basement living area for."
The OP started to take the feedback to heart.
"So far it looks like almost everyone agrees that I am an a**hole. I can see why I was wrong here and I was definitely excluding my wife here."
"I plan on apologizing to my wife as well as asking her what she would like to do."
The OP then shared what came of a conversation with his wife.
"I apologized to my wife for excluding her and getting ahead of myself. I also talked to my wife and asked what she wanted to do with the house."
"She said that she's fine with me taking the basement bedrooms to be used as a man cave, while she will use the upstairs bedrooms for her own space."
"The basement living area will be used as a home theater, and my wife also said she would like for me to be involved in designing the rest of the house (living room, master bedroom, kitchen, laundry room, etc.)."
"I really do see now why my original plan was just not a good idea."
While it was fair and valid for the OP to be excited about his new home and the idea of having a space to share with friends, the subReddit pointed out it should still be a group effort.
After talking to his wife, it was clear the OP liked their collaborative ideas better than the original ones he was arguing for, which just further proves that having someone to help with design decisions can really be a gift.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.