Some people feel ike it’s perfectly fine to just run their fingers through a stranger’s tresses.
It’s never okay.
For the person whose scalp is being fondled, it’s not often that comfortable of an idea.
Yet, more often than not, people continue to just touch away.
This can lead to some very emotional reactions.
Redditor infamous_squidney wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I asked my mother-in-law to stop talking about hair entirely?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So I [26 F[emale]] am biracial (black and white).”
‘My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] [65 F) is white and for years has been making comments about my hair that have made me feel uncomfortable.”
“She’s an awkward woman and says a lot of out-of-pocket things… but back to this situation.”
“In the past, she has made comments about my ‘black hair’ and would compare it to her own hair.”
“I guess cause it gets frizzy?”
“I don’t know.”
“She also would walk up behind me and start touching it without asking.”
“At Thanksgiving, I had shaved my head and decided to wear a wig, as I was nervous about explaining why I decided to shave my head or any questions that I would have to answer.”
“As soon as we walked into her house, she said in front of extended family members, ’That’s not your real hair.’”
“I lied and said it was, and she kept insisting it wasn’t.”
“So I pulled my [26 M[ale]] fiancé aside, told him that the touching and the comments made me feel uncomfortable and othered (for lack of a better word), almost immediately after I told him this, his mother reached out to touch my hair, and my fiancé gently pushed her hand down and said please stop.”
“She ignored and reached again.”
“My fiancé did the exact same thing, which set her off.”
“She stormed upstairs and slammed the door.”
“I didn’t see her for the rest of the night.”
“When my fiancé spoke to her, she yelled, cried, and told him he was not the son she raised.”
“I told my fiancé I wanted her to watch videos or read about what microaggression is.”
“She refused but said she wouldn’t talk about my hair at all.”
“It worked at first, but now she constantly asks me questions about hair products (I know almost NOTHING about).”
“And has recently compared my hair texture to a family member based on a photo she saw on Instagram (that family member was not having a great hair day).”
“So I was a little upset but said nothing.”
“I’ve observed that she doesn’t talk about hair with extended family members unless I’m part of the conversation.”
“Almost every interaction I have with her is about hair or hair products, and it’s exhausting.”
“My fiancé doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but it makes me feel weird.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So WIBTA if I asked her to stop talking about hair and commenting on my hair entirely, even if she insists it’s a compliment?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP would NOT be the A**hole.
“NTA. That’s so f**king weird of her, and it sounds like you’ve been way more patient than she deserves to be honest.”
“I feel your fiancé isn’t taking it seriously enough.” ~ catbxtch
“Say nothing.”
“You should spam her with constant videos about hair, hair styles, products AND about hair microaggression, policing, and history.”
“Eventually, only about the latter.”
“2 can play that game!”
“Bombard her as much as she bombards you.”
“If she gets offended, just cry, exactly like she would.”
“Sad to say, but I’ve noticed this is the only approach that works with white people.”
“Especially white women.”
“You have to get down to her passive-aggressive level and play dumb.”
“Anything else would be used against you.”
“Side note – I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family if at this point NO ONE has come to your aid.”
“Not even your fiancé.” ~ Lucky-Tumbleweed96
“I say this as a white passing person, what the absolute heck?”
“I will never understand why anyone thinks it’s appropriate to reach out and touch people, especially hair or baby bumps, without permission.”
“I just dont get it.”
“NTA, but I agree with the poster above, fiance needs his act together, and MIL needs to knock it off.”
“Reminds me of that one movie where it was ‘Meet the Parents’ but from different races and the actress (the woman from Seinfeld and Veep) was just so totally clueless and cringe.” ~ vinegargirl757
“I’m also white AF, but I have really thick, curly hair.”
“I’ve had tons of difficulty with it over my lifetime, to the point where I didn’t see a hairdresser for over 10 years because I was so godd**n sick of paying hard-earned money for shi**y hairstyles.”
“I live in a SUPER white place.”
“I heard a news article about a salon that opened specifically to work on hair textures that are common for people of color, and I actually debated with myself for months about whether or not I should go there.”
“I finally did, I was as polite as I could be, and oh my God, the difference in my hair now.”
“They are magicians.”
“For the first time in my life, I actually like my hair.”
“And somehow, I have managed to navigate all of this without touching someone’s hair without their consent ever in my entire life.” ~ morbid_n_creepifying
“There is a kids’ book called ‘Don’t Touch My Hair.'”
“I would gift it to her for Christmas since she clearly was never taught manners.” ~ hyperfixmum
“Why do you subject yourself to this woman?”
“She makes you uncomfortable and does not respect your boundaries.’
“I wouldn’t set foot in her house or spend a single minute with her until she can get her bulls**t behavior under control.”
“Partner can go see his parent alone, but you are not there to satisfy her morbid curiosities or to be handled like a touch exhibit at a petting zoo. NTA.”
“Have a heart-to-heart with partner about needing to be respected like a person and treated like a person.” ~ Wide-Speaker-7384
“OP, your future MIL is a stone-cold racist at bottom, and is masking it by this wildly bizarre OBSESSION with your hair.”
“This is outright abuse, in my book.”
“And it could be a deal-breaker.”
“Either fiancé steps up and defends you 100% against his bats**t mother, or you are in for a lifetime of pain.”
“Do not compromise on this!!”
“NTA all the way.” ~ No-Delay5358
“NTA. Awkward woman who says a lot of out-of-pocket things. Yep.”
“Women who go on about hair, try to touch without permission, and get angry when told no are asserting dominance in the relationship.”
“A grown woman threw a tantrum when she was told no.”
“That’s entitlement in action.”
“She can’t get her way through harassing you; she tries the tantrum.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“NTA. OP, as someone who is also biracial, I got so sad and upset reading this.”
“Your future mother-in-law is out of hand and needs to be set straight.”
“But not by you, that is your fiancés job.”
“The fact that he doesn’t take any of this seriously is the worst part; he needs to consider your feelings, especially since you are the love of his life.”
“You need to have a long heart-to-heart with him if this is how he treats your feelings.”
“That last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage with someone who won’t even stick up for you or defend you.”
“You should never feel bad about sticking up for yourself.”
“What she is doing is racist (microaggression) and needs to be stopped.”
“I truly wish you the best.” ~ rrrrrrrrrrrrrroger
“She needs to be taught bodily autonomy and consent, but the tantrum she threw says you’re not going to get through to her.”
“And your fiancé-husband (which is it?) isn’t fixing it either.”
“Distance yourself.”
“I’m white, and people grab for my hair, and it really sets me off.” ~ Decent_Bed_
“NTA. But I am curious if your husband expects you to keep showing up to family functions if his mom ‘just can’t help herself’ and can’t find it in her skill set to be respectful and mind her own business.”
“You can ask, but if her previous patterns of behavior are any indication, you may not be able to convince her to treat you well.”
“You may not have many options after that, beyond just avoiding her.”
“I’m especially worried about the tantrums and her deciding to also punish your husband when he tried to stand up for you.”
“These behaviors aren’t the mark of a person with a strong moral compass or accountability.” ~ PsilosirenRose
“NTA, not remotely.”
“As an average white guy with average white guy hair, I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE when random people touch my hair (or face, or, in fact, me at all, in any way, shape or form).”
“Her insensitivity and apparent fascination with you and your hair are weird and racist.”
“She seems like a wingbat.”
“I hope your fiancé has your back on this.”
“If not, you deserve so much better.” ~ T-Chunxy
“It’s so clear you’re NTA that I am genuinely worried about your mental state.”
“Do YOU actually think she is in any way being reasonable?”
“Is there any part of you that thinks this is normal or acceptable behavior?”
“Is there some mitigating factor you neglected to mention – does she have dementia or alzheimers, where impulse control is diminished?”
“If there is some diminished capacity, maybe her behavior can be ignored, but I would stay away from her.”
“If your fiancé isn’t defending you, I would also reconsider the relationship. NTA.” ~ Fatt3stAveng3r
“You’re NTA, but she lacks any self-awareness and obviously can’t read the room… she literally had her hand pushed away twice and doesn’t get it.”
“Totally dense.” ~ Defiant-Hurry-6091
Reddit is with you, OP.
Enough is enough.
Your future MIL needs to keep her hands to herself.
Stay firm, no touching!