Some people feel ike it's perfectly fine to just run their fingers through a stranger's tresses.
It's never okay.
For the person whose scalp is being fondled, it's not often that comfortable of an idea.
Yet, more often than not, people continue to just touch away.
This can lead to some very emotional reactions.
Redditor infamous_squidney wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA if I asked my mother-in-law to stop talking about hair entirely?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I [26 F[emale]] am biracial (black and white)."
'My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] [65 F) is white and for years has been making comments about my hair that have made me feel uncomfortable."
"She's an awkward woman and says a lot of out-of-pocket things… but back to this situation."
"In the past, she has made comments about my 'black hair' and would compare it to her own hair."
"I guess cause it gets frizzy?"
"I don't know."
"She also would walk up behind me and start touching it without asking."
"At Thanksgiving, I had shaved my head and decided to wear a wig, as I was nervous about explaining why I decided to shave my head or any questions that I would have to answer."
"As soon as we walked into her house, she said in front of extended family members, 'That's not your real hair.'"
"I lied and said it was, and she kept insisting it wasn't."
"So I pulled my [26 M[ale]] fiancé aside, told him that the touching and the comments made me feel uncomfortable and othered (for lack of a better word), almost immediately after I told him this, his mother reached out to touch my hair, and my fiancé gently pushed her hand down and said please stop."
"She ignored and reached again."
"My fiancé did the exact same thing, which set her off."
"She stormed upstairs and slammed the door."
"I didn't see her for the rest of the night."
"When my fiancé spoke to her, she yelled, cried, and told him he was not the son she raised."
"I told my fiancé I wanted her to watch videos or read about what microaggression is."
"She refused but said she wouldn't talk about my hair at all."
"It worked at first, but now she constantly asks me questions about hair products (I know almost NOTHING about)."
"And has recently compared my hair texture to a family member based on a photo she saw on Instagram (that family member was not having a great hair day)."
"So I was a little upset but said nothing."
"I've observed that she doesn't talk about hair with extended family members unless I'm part of the conversation."
"Almost every interaction I have with her is about hair or hair products, and it's exhausting."
"My fiancé doesn't think it's a big deal, but it makes me feel weird."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTA if I asked her to stop talking about hair and commenting on my hair entirely, even if she insists it's a compliment?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP would NOT be the A**hole.
"NTA. That's so f**king weird of her, and it sounds like you've been way more patient than she deserves to be honest."
"I feel your fiancé isn't taking it seriously enough." ~ catbxtch
"Say nothing."
"You should spam her with constant videos about hair, hair styles, products AND about hair microaggression, policing, and history."
"Eventually, only about the latter."
"2 can play that game!"
"Bombard her as much as she bombards you."
"If she gets offended, just cry, exactly like she would."
"Sad to say, but I've noticed this is the only approach that works with white people."
"Especially white women."
"You have to get down to her passive-aggressive level and play dumb."
"Anything else would be used against you."
"Side note - I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family if at this point NO ONE has come to your aid."
"Not even your fiancé." ~ Lucky-Tumbleweed96
"I say this as a white passing person, what the absolute heck?"
"I will never understand why anyone thinks it's appropriate to reach out and touch people, especially hair or baby bumps, without permission."
"I just dont get it."
"NTA, but I agree with the poster above, fiance needs his act together, and MIL needs to knock it off."
"Reminds me of that one movie where it was 'Meet the Parents' but from different races and the actress (the woman from Seinfeld and Veep) was just so totally clueless and cringe." ~ vinegargirl757
"I'm also white AF, but I have really thick, curly hair."
"I've had tons of difficulty with it over my lifetime, to the point where I didn't see a hairdresser for over 10 years because I was so godd**n sick of paying hard-earned money for shi**y hairstyles."
"I live in a SUPER white place."
"I heard a news article about a salon that opened specifically to work on hair textures that are common for people of color, and I actually debated with myself for months about whether or not I should go there."
"I finally did, I was as polite as I could be, and oh my God, the difference in my hair now."
"They are magicians."
"For the first time in my life, I actually like my hair."
"And somehow, I have managed to navigate all of this without touching someone's hair without their consent ever in my entire life." ~ morbid_n_creepifying
"There is a kids' book called 'Don't Touch My Hair.'"
"I would gift it to her for Christmas since she clearly was never taught manners." ~ hyperfixmum
"Why do you subject yourself to this woman?"
"She makes you uncomfortable and does not respect your boundaries.'
"I wouldn't set foot in her house or spend a single minute with her until she can get her bulls**t behavior under control."
"Partner can go see his parent alone, but you are not there to satisfy her morbid curiosities or to be handled like a touch exhibit at a petting zoo. NTA."
"Have a heart-to-heart with partner about needing to be respected like a person and treated like a person." ~ Wide-Speaker-7384
"OP, your future MIL is a stone-cold racist at bottom, and is masking it by this wildly bizarre OBSESSION with your hair."
"This is outright abuse, in my book."
"And it could be a deal-breaker."
"Either fiancé steps up and defends you 100% against his bats**t mother, or you are in for a lifetime of pain."
"Do not compromise on this!!"
"NTA all the way." ~ No-Delay5358
"NTA. Awkward woman who says a lot of out-of-pocket things. Yep."
"Women who go on about hair, try to touch without permission, and get angry when told no are asserting dominance in the relationship."
"A grown woman threw a tantrum when she was told no."
"That's entitlement in action."
"She can't get her way through harassing you; she tries the tantrum." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"NTA. OP, as someone who is also biracial, I got so sad and upset reading this."
"Your future mother-in-law is out of hand and needs to be set straight."
"But not by you, that is your fiancés job."
"The fact that he doesn't take any of this seriously is the worst part; he needs to consider your feelings, especially since you are the love of his life."
"You need to have a long heart-to-heart with him if this is how he treats your feelings."
"That last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage with someone who won't even stick up for you or defend you."
"You should never feel bad about sticking up for yourself."
"What she is doing is racist (microaggression) and needs to be stopped."
"I truly wish you the best." ~ rrrrrrrrrrrrrroger
"She needs to be taught bodily autonomy and consent, but the tantrum she threw says you're not going to get through to her."
"And your fiancé-husband (which is it?) isn't fixing it either."
"Distance yourself."
"I'm white, and people grab for my hair, and it really sets me off." ~ Decent_Bed_
"NTA. But I am curious if your husband expects you to keep showing up to family functions if his mom 'just can't help herself' and can't find it in her skill set to be respectful and mind her own business."
"You can ask, but if her previous patterns of behavior are any indication, you may not be able to convince her to treat you well."
"You may not have many options after that, beyond just avoiding her."
"I'm especially worried about the tantrums and her deciding to also punish your husband when he tried to stand up for you."
"These behaviors aren't the mark of a person with a strong moral compass or accountability." ~ PsilosirenRose
"NTA, not remotely."
"As an average white guy with average white guy hair, I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE when random people touch my hair (or face, or, in fact, me at all, in any way, shape or form)."
"Her insensitivity and apparent fascination with you and your hair are weird and racist."
"She seems like a wingbat."
"I hope your fiancé has your back on this."
"If not, you deserve so much better." ~ T-Chunxy
"It's so clear you're NTA that I am genuinely worried about your mental state."
"Do YOU actually think she is in any way being reasonable?"
"Is there any part of you that thinks this is normal or acceptable behavior?"
"Is there some mitigating factor you neglected to mention - does she have dementia or alzheimers, where impulse control is diminished?"
"If there is some diminished capacity, maybe her behavior can be ignored, but I would stay away from her."
"If your fiancé isn't defending you, I would also reconsider the relationship. NTA." ~ Fatt3stAveng3r
"You're NTA, but she lacks any self-awareness and obviously can't read the room… she literally had her hand pushed away twice and doesn't get it."
"Totally dense." ~ Defiant-Hurry-6091
Reddit is with you, OP.
Enough is enough.
Your future MIL needs to keep her hands to herself.
Stay firm, no touching!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp