Weddings can be an incredibly weird season in life, because while one happy couple's new life is beginning, other lives together might end in the process.
This is especially true for friends who feel pushed out or not welcome in their friend's new phase of life, empathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Spiritual_Laugh_6411 was excited for his best friend's wedding and was honored to be his Best Man.
But when his best friend disinvited him as Best Man and took him out of the wedding party, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked to find out that it was because the bride's family questioned what it would look like to have a gay Best Man standing at the altar.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being angry that my best friend no longer wants me as his Best Man in his wedding because I am gay?"
The OP was shocked by his best friend's wedding plan changes.
"My best friend since we were kids is getting married in a few months, and suddenly he and his wife decided to not only move me from being his Best Man but out of the wedding party altogether simply because I am a gay man."
The OP shared a series of text messages between him and the groom.
After confirming the OP was available to talk, the groom cut to the chase and told him he couldn't be his Best Man anymore.
"So I know my wedding is coming up in a few months, and I know I already asked you to be my Best Man."
"But I think I am going to have to ask you to no longer stand up there with me."
The OP was surprised.
"Oh? Well, that's unexpected."
"What happened? Did I do something wrong?"
You can see their second text message exchange here:
u/Spiritual_Laugh_6411/Reddit
The groom confirmed the problem wasn't something the OP could "fix."
"No man, you did nothing wrong!"
"I was talking to [my future wife] last night, and she said that it would be a bad look if her husband's Best Man, who was standing next to him on his wedding day, was a gay man."
"I guess her parents have been asking a lot of questions, and she would just rather not deal with it."
The OP was taken aback.
"Dude, what?! That is bizarre!"
"We have been best friends since we were in elementary, and suddenly me being gay is an issue?"
"So if I'm not standing up there as your Best Man, what now?"
What would happen next was worse than the OP could have hoped.
"You being gay isn't the issue, dude. It's the large amount of questions my wife and I are getting because of you being gay."
"You'd be in the audience with everyone else..."
You can see their second text message exchange here:
u/Spiritual_Laugh_6411/Reddit
The OP was hurt that his friend wasn't there for him.
"HA! So not even a groomsman at all? Just straight up in the audience now, huh?"
"And you have nothing to say to that? Is that not wild to you?"
The groom did not step up for the OP.
"Honestly, it sucks, but it is what it is. Don't make it harder than it has to be."
The OP began to question their friendship.
"Righhhhht, okay, sure."
"Well, good to know where you stand and how you view your 'best friend.'"
The groom insisted that this wasn't an issue.
"Look, the last thing I need is for people to assume that we have a history."
"Quit crying about it. It's my wedding and my choice."
The OP no longer felt welcome at all.
"I get it, and you're right. You have every right to make that decision."
"I was just expecting you to be a real friend and handle this better, but that clearly is not the road you want to travel down."
"Go ahead and just mark me off the invite list."
You can see their third text message exchange here:
u/Spiritual_Laugh_6411/Reddit
The OP was deeply hurt by his best friend's decision.
"I understand it's their wedding and their choice, but we have been essentially brothers growing up, and this seems so odd to me."
"I'd think he'd at least try and talk to his wife and her parents first, and I can't begin to understand why me being gay is even a problem."
"Because of this, I don't even want to go anymore, and this honestly hurts quite a bit."
"Am I overreacting here? Should I still attend? This is frustrating, and I don't know what to do."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some said the groom was a terrible friend, enabling a clearly homophobic family.
"Wow, great friend you got there. Appease the homophobic inlaws (and wife, apparently)!"
"What a pr**k. I get that it's his wedding and his choice who his groomsmen are, but d**n... Not cool. You're underreacting, if anything. What vile people." - lelebeariel
"I went through this before my wedding. My youngest brother is gay, and he was my Best Man. That guy would do anything for you."
"My wife's family was trying to manipulate her and me to switch to someone else."
"My wife was fantastic, and she told her family that they weren't required to go. She hoped they would, but it was my choice, and that was that."
"NOR. THAT is what you deserve, OP." - rochey64
"Honestly, regardless of the family's opinion on Gay people, he is the literal GROOM. He can make decisions, too."
"If it were my wife saying that my best friend couldn't be up there simply because he's gay, we would be reconsidering the whole thing."
"NOR." - 999Jupiter999
"Man, everyone DID think my bestie and I were dating for a long time (we never did or would, it would be like f*cking my sister, ugh), and she STILL wants me as her Maid of Honor, full stop, no exceptions, it's happening."
"She has long put her homophobic family in their place over me. That's why she's my best friend." - AnxiousTelephone2997
"Him not wanting to do it in person makes me think that he's lying about the reason. I honestly don't think that it's because 'they don't want to have to answer questions.'"
"I think that either his wife just doesn't want him up there, or the guy getting married, himself, is just insecure about having a gay man as his best man. Not 'being a man' and having this convo in person tells me that there is a lot more to this on his side." - Djdmac24
"Honestly, the fact that he initially asked him to be his best man and then completely took him out of the wedding party altogether seems like it would raise more suspicion among the bride's guests, because I'm sure they all either know about it or someone will spill the tea later. It just gives them even more to gossip about."
"Also, I love that he has the nerve to say, 'It's my wedding,' as a reason to demote his best friend when he could have used that same logic to tell his wife and her family to f**k off?" - daveatnite
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to walk away from this wedding and this friendship.
"The silver lining: you know where he stands and he just saved you a couple thousand dollars (between attire, travel, lodging, gift, etc)." - LionessRegulus7249
"NOR. This person is not your friend. 'Quit crying about it.' F**k that guy. I'm sorry. Don't go to this wedding and grieve this loss." - Tall-Paykment-8015
"F**k him. I'm so angry right now for the OP. H**l, I'm angry at the ex-friend for being such a sorry excuse for a person. That has to be the lamest s**t I've ever heard."
"Tell EVERYONE why you're not going AND what he said. I'd be tempted to show them his literal break-up texts. Wow, just wow. What a f**king loser." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"This 'friend' had no backbone for sure. He didn't even have the conversation in person... nor even on the phone! He did it in a way that allowed him to minimize confrontation as much as possible. Terrible friend." - ApparentlyIronic
"Wow… that's honestly heartbreaking. I can't imagine how painful that must've been after years of friendship. No one should have to shrink themselves to make others comfortable, especially not for something like this."
"That's disgusting. 'Not wanting to deal with it' is still homophobia, no matter how they phrase it. That groom is not your friend; he's an enabler for an incredibly toxic, homophobic wife and family." - IslandSignificant404
"I'd tell him to kick rocks. Your relationship is only going to be more awkward down the road. He made his choice, and you unfortunately have a difficult one to make as well. I feel for you." - Little_Ad8502
"Hopefully, the OP isn't giving them the opportunity to cut him out of their lives."
"If I were in his shoes, I'd ask the best friend not to contact me again until he is getting a divorce (and presumably figured out what a misanthrope his wife is and is ready to do better)." - ShadowCass
The subReddit was so angry on the OP's behalf and encouraged him to walk away before he could be hurt more.
Hopefully, the groom would wake up one day and realize what he had done wrong and what he lost in the process.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.