Meeting your partner's family is a milestone almost every serious relationship comes to.
But for one Redditor that event raised serious questions about her boyfriend and her relationship.
Redditor ThrowRA8908 posted:
"I heard my boyfriend's parents say something racist about me"
The Original Poster (OP) explained her situation:
"My boyfriend (25 M[ale]) and I (23 F[emale]) have been dating for a year now. To give a bit more context, he's white and 100% Canadian, and I was born in Kenya (moved to Canada when I was 1)."
"I had never met his parents because they live 3 hours away from us and he's not super close to them anyway."
But then with the pandemic, an opportunity to visit and meet the parents arose.
"When lockdown started and both our jobs closed, he asked if I wanted to spend a few weeks with them, so I could meet them and visit his hometown. I said 'sure, sounds fun!'"
"We drove there on a Friday night and when my [boyfriend] (bf) introduced me to his parents, they were super nice. We were talking, laughing, all that good stuff."
"When it was getting late, my bf and I decided to prepare for bed and went upstairs. When he was already in bed, he realized he forgot his charger downstairs and asked me if I could please go get it."
The OP then got a shock.
"When I was walking down the stairs, I heard his mother (still at the kitchen table) mention my name, so being nosy, I stopped and listened. They said I was nice and I was happy to hear that, but then his father said 'it's a shame she's a nigg*r though'."
"His mother answered 'as long as he doesn't marry her, it's fine. And he won't, he knows we would be disappointed'."
"I kind of froze up, waited for them to change the subject, got my bf's charger and went upstairs."
OP is at a loss for how to react.
"I didn't know how to feel, and I still don't. I'm lucky enough to have never dealt with this kind of racism, so I'm a bit lost on what to do."
"What his mother said implies my bf knows his parents are not happy with him being with me. Is this why he's waited so long to introduce them to me?"
"And why didn't he warn me that his parents don't want him dating a black girl? Do I even talk to him about it?"
The OP was torn between addressing the issue and the fear of causing "more drama."
"I don't want to cause more drama, but at the same time, I'm mad. And also sad."
"I know we're not there yet, but would his parent's disapproval stop him from marrying me? And if we have kids, will their grandparents hate them because they're not white enough?"
"I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me, but I don't know what to do and how to go about this."
Reddit was ready to offer the advice this woman sought.
Most advised she talk to her boyfriend.
Maybe this is why he isn't close to his parents.
"You definitely need to talk with you bf about this."
"You need the emotional support and loving care to remind you that he chose you and to hell with his racist parents. Let him deal with them and don't try to bottle up these emotions." ~ tercer78
"Talk to your boyfriend. Sounds like he isnt close to them for a reason." ~ xoxoLizzyoxox
"If your boyfriend knows they don't approve of you, my guess is he didn't tell you because he didn't want to subject you to that kind of treatment and maybe that is why he waited so long to introduce you to them."
"Your boyfriend also sounds sweet and I don't believe he meant to purposefully put you in a situation in which you had to face those comments." ~ its_that_redhead
"Almost crying reading this. So sorry you had to hear that, you should definitely speak to your bf about this. And to me, he should say something to them too." ~ Bright-Bee
"He needs to stand up to them TOMORROW. You still have 2 more weeks there. He needs to confront them and tell them how f'ed up it is."
"Definitely tell your boyfriend. I can't believe they called you the n word either, dispicable." ~ bunkbedgirl1989
Some were adamant the relationship was over and some even blamed her boyfriend.
"You should leave. The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree." ~ cbyrd_
"Leave the relationship. If you decide to stay and have kids with this man, you'll be responsible for whatever racist treatment your kids receive from his side of the family."
"You heard his Dad utter that disgusting slur. Don't say you weren't warned." ~ LineOutMaster123
"Not the main point of this but—Your bf asked you to walk through his parents house and grab his charger for him on the first night you got there?"
"Why didn't he go and get it himself?" ~ XRhodesFilms
"'He knows we would be disappointed' sounds like he is familiar with his parent's racism and still invited a Black girl to a place that doesn't welcome Black people, which puts you in danger." ~ sugarbear88
But some advised there was more than one option and the OP should choose which one felt right for her.
"As an older woman of color, I've had to address situations like this in the past."
"Do you see a real future with this man? If you do, then you can't just let it go."
"If you're willing to recognize this is not a long term relationship and you're fine just letting it run its course because you're having fun, then don't bring it up. But you need to know that your relationship has an expiration date."
"If you do decide to address it, I've found the best thing is just tell the other person what happened. Don't discuss it in the context of 'I feel' or any of your own reactions. Just state 'When I went to get your charger the other night I overheard your parents and they said this...'."
"Then see what your boyfriend has to say. You'll get his honest reaction more than you will if you frame it with your own feelings and emotions."
"Based on his reaction, you might have some hard decisions to make. If he's like 'What's the big deal?' do you want to be with someone like that? Or you may end up even closer because he knows his parents are toxic."
"Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's what you can live with. Not just what a bunch of strangers think you should do." ~ LakotaGrl
The OP provided an update.
She chose to speak to her boyfriend.
"I decided to tell my boyfriend what happened. I told him last night, at 2AM."
"He was livid. I barely had time to finish the story before he started packing our bags."
But it wasn't the only conversation that would happen before sunrise.
"He kept on apologizing for the situation he put me in, and I could see how horrible he felt about all of this. He told me he wanted to talk to his parents about what they said and asked if I wanted to be a part of the conversation or if I'd rather wait in the car."
"Not being a person who likes confrontation at all, I hesitated but ultimately said I wanted to be there. I just didn't want to actively participate in the conversation, I was too uncomfortable."
"He woke his parents up, sat them down and told them what I had heard. They were clearly extremely uncomfortable and kind of just stared at him, like they couldn't believe he was doing this."
"He told them it was unacceptable and how ashamed he was of them. He also told them that when/if we would decide to speak to them again, they better be ready to sincerely apologize and do better, because he wouldn't tolerate anything else."
"He also mentioned that their opinion would have no impact on who he would decide to marry. His mom looked like she wanted to say something but he didn't let her, got up and we left."
The couple also had a chance to talk more on the ride home.
Her boyfriend was not completely shocked by his parents' comments.
"We were quite shaken up on the ride home, but he took the time to explain to me what he knew of why his parents behaved this way."
"Basically, he remembers his parents making racist remarks here and there when he was little (not just about Black people but POC in general). He didn't really know it was wrong until he got out of his hometown and realized his parents were very wrong in their views."
"With time, he saw his parents less and less, because their views regarding race and other issues just didn't align with his at all anymore and it would create animosity every time he visited them."
"When he met me, even before we became a couple and were just friends, he would often post pictures of us on Facebook and his parents would see them. They never mentioned anything."
"When they learned that we were a couple, they said they wanted to meet me, and he wasn't sure of their sincerity. He said they talked about me when they would call him, and for a whole year, my bf basically tried to make sure that they were actually okay with our relationship."
"His parents kept saying not to worry, that they had learned from their past mistakes, asking him to trust them. After a year, he finally believed them and that's when he decided to introduce us."
He had high hopes that his parents had changed their world view.
"He was so happy to see how nice and accepting they were towards me. He said it himself, he was too naive."
But the OP doesn't blame him.
"He was pretty much crying telling me this, but I could tell he tried not to because he felt responsible and didn't want to make it about himself. Maybe it makes me dumb, but I don't blame him."
"I know him, and he wouldn't put me in a situation like that on purpose. I believe him when he says he truly thought they changed."
"He apologized numerous times and told me I never had to see them again, and that he wouldn't either for a very long while. He was already not close with them, and this situation didn't help at all."
"He made it a point to say that what his mother said about him wasn't true (that he wouldn't marry me because he knows they would disapprove)."
As for their relationship, his parents' racism will not come between them.
"We talked about it a lot since last night. We barely slept. And I decided I do want to stay with him."
The OP also addressed some of the advice she received.
"A big majority of the comments under my last post told me that my best option was to leave him, a lot of it coming from POC. And I understand why."
"But, I do love him very much and I really do not want to leave him because his parents hate our relationship. I think I would regret it."
"I'm not saying it'll be easy and maybe I am making a mistake, but I want to be with him. Maybe it's disappointing to a lot of you, but it's my decision."
While OP may have felt many were pressuring her to end the relationship, the advice to at least discuss what happened with her boyfriend before making a decision was the highest rated by other Redditors.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.