A woman was frustrated with her boyfriend who had a distorted view of having passionate sex.
When she confronted him about it, he accused her of overreacting.
The fallout led her to the Relationship Advice subReddit to see what others would say about her situation.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"Boyfriend (22 m[ale]) admitted that he intentionally tries to make me (21 f[emale]) angry sometimes because he thinks the 'sex is better' when I'm pissed off."
"We've been together for a year. Our relationship has ups and downs but lately it feels like we've been having more fights than usual. Just small, stupid things we normally wouldn't fight about."
"However it's always followed up with sex and I was never sure if that's healthy or not."
"So recently we were in bed and he admitted that he intentionally starts fights sometimes to get me heated up because he thinks the sex is better when I'm angry at him."
"He said that I'm not always enthusiastic when we're having non-angry sex but when I'm mad he feels like he's 'f*king a porn star.'"
"I explained to him that I can't always be passionate because I'm under a lot of stress nowadays (mom is sick, have to take care of my younger siblings, paying bills etc). Like a lot of issues are always on my mind and I am not relaxed enough to be always super passionate about sex."
"I said that it's completely messed up to push my buttons just so he can get what he wants."
"He tried to make me feel better by saying it's the best sex he's ever had and that he loves me/my body. And he said that he masturbates to the memories which is something he hasn't done with other girls. He really thought I'd view that as a compliment."
"I just left the room and went to sleep on the couch. It's been a couple of days and I've been mostly ignoring him. He's upset and saying that I'm overreacting over nothing."
"He keeps touching me (I guess he's trying to turn me on) and I've told him that I don't want to feel his hands on me at all."
"Is this a normal thing some guys do? Isn't it emotionally manipulative?"
Strangers on the internet weighed in with their thoughts.
"Yikes. In a mature relationship, your boyfriend and you should aim to bring peace to each other."
"People who push their partner's buttons for the fun of it are too immature and will only bring you unrest."
"OP, find someone who cares more about your heart and your feelings than to play these childish games." – StupidLibra
"Exactly or even communicate what he really likes about the angry sex so perhaps he could have that same sexual experience all the time without conflict?" – Odd_Cantaloupe_1626
"So he noticed you were unenthusiastic about sex and his go-to solution was to cause you additional stress by causing a fight?"
"Rather than, idk, talk to you about what the problem is, or maybe try and take the pressure off a bit, try to help you relax in actually positive ways."
"And once you tell him that's not okay, he still tries to justify it, in possibly the worst way possible."
"You deserve so much better than that guy." – sleepyy78
"He is intentionally harming her emotional well-being because he thinks that his sexual preferences are a reasonable justification for him to actively decide to cause her distress."
"That's so manipulative, and a truly horrifying indication that he doesn't even know how to genuinely consider your welfare, or why he would want to do that."
"I don't think there's any decently logical explanation for any circumstances in which a person could comfortably choose to hurt an person that they actually love for their own gain, and without remorse, that makes it make sense. That ain't love."
"And if he's totally fine with causing you pain just so he can have something as horrifyingly unimportant for his own welfare- just for a little extra flavor, and because he doesn't want to have to do too much effort actually spicing up the sex by doing nice things to get her more enthusiastic, yikes- I honestly feel like, the dude literally doesn't even understand the basic concept of what love is, yikes."
"Run. Run now. This can only get worse." – mmmcapella
"This guy is manipulative and immature, and OP should leave him immediately. Plus, these traits probably manifest in other ways that she hasn't brought up in the post."
"Being into angry sex as a preference is one thing, but this guy has taken it way too far and doesn't even possess the conscience to think of it as a bad thing." – kiko-m
"This is extremely manipulative. His sexual pleasure is not more important than your emotions/current stressors."
"It's totally unfair for him to put more on you by making you angry when you already have a lot going on. And it sounds like he's focusing entirely too much on his sexual pleasure than your general happiness." – ehhhmaybenot
"God, has he never heard of foreplay?"
"He's literally deciding that it's easier to make her angry than to put a little more effort into giving her something to actually be excited about."
"If she's not enthusiastic during sex, that sounds like he should be focusing on helping her have more fun instead of getting mad at her for wanting to actually participate during sex, instead of just being his cheerleader. It's amazing."
"He just has to be one of those people walking around and ordering people to smile at him, only to get offended that they're not sufficiently delighted to do it."
"I mean, he even felt like it's totally reasonable to tell her about this like it's a clever little life hack he came up with, and not him basically bragging right to her face that he's a sociopath." – mmmcapella
"Wouldn't call it normal. I don't get what he thought this will lead to in future."
"Making you angry only because his needs are fullfilled more is just unfair and very strange like he thinks he could lead a angry based relationship."
"And yes also having sex after every fight sounds very unhealthy for a relationship." – KonradHent
"If he wanted to rile you up before sex the two of you should have both been in agreement to that sort of dynamic in your relationship."
"You weren't, though, and I don't blame you at all for feeling deceived and used. Time to have a discussion about if that will continue, or indeed if the relationship at all is salvageable." – S-Selcouth
Overall, Redditors confirmed that the OP was being emotionally manipulated as she suspected.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.