A woman was frustrated with her boyfriend who had a distorted view of having passionate sex.
When she confronted him about it, he accused her of overreacting.
The fallout led her to the Relationship Advice subReddit to see what others would say about her situation.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
“Boyfriend (22 m[ale]) admitted that he intentionally tries to make me (21 f[emale]) angry sometimes because he thinks the ‘sex is better’ when I’m pissed off.”
“We’ve been together for a year. Our relationship has ups and downs but lately it feels like we’ve been having more fights than usual. Just small, stupid things we normally wouldn’t fight about.”
“However it’s always followed up with sex and I was never sure if that’s healthy or not.”
“So recently we were in bed and he admitted that he intentionally starts fights sometimes to get me heated up because he thinks the sex is better when I’m angry at him.”
“He said that I’m not always enthusiastic when we’re having non-angry sex but when I’m mad he feels like he’s ‘f*king a porn star.'”
“I explained to him that I can’t always be passionate because I’m under a lot of stress nowadays (mom is sick, have to take care of my younger siblings, paying bills etc). Like a lot of issues are always on my mind and I am not relaxed enough to be always super passionate about sex.”
“I said that it’s completely messed up to push my buttons just so he can get what he wants.”
“He tried to make me feel better by saying it’s the best sex he’s ever had and that he loves me/my body. And he said that he masturbates to the memories which is something he hasn’t done with other girls. He really thought I’d view that as a compliment.”
“I just left the room and went to sleep on the couch. It’s been a couple of days and I’ve been mostly ignoring him. He’s upset and saying that I’m overreacting over nothing.”
“He keeps touching me (I guess he’s trying to turn me on) and I’ve told him that I don’t want to feel his hands on me at all.”
“Is this a normal thing some guys do? Isn’t it emotionally manipulative?”
Strangers on the internet weighed in with their thoughts.
“Yikes. In a mature relationship, your boyfriend and you should aim to bring peace to each other.”
“People who push their partner’s buttons for the fun of it are too immature and will only bring you unrest.”
“OP, find someone who cares more about your heart and your feelings than to play these childish games.” – StupidLibra
“Exactly or even communicate what he really likes about the angry sex so perhaps he could have that same sexual experience all the time without conflict?” – Odd_Cantaloupe_1626
“So he noticed you were unenthusiastic about sex and his go-to solution was to cause you additional stress by causing a fight?”
“Rather than, idk, talk to you about what the problem is, or maybe try and take the pressure off a bit, try to help you relax in actually positive ways.”
“And once you tell him that’s not okay, he still tries to justify it, in possibly the worst way possible.”
“You deserve so much better than that guy.” – sleepyy78
“He is intentionally harming her emotional well-being because he thinks that his sexual preferences are a reasonable justification for him to actively decide to cause her distress.”
“That’s so manipulative, and a truly horrifying indication that he doesn’t even know how to genuinely consider your welfare, or why he would want to do that.”
“I don’t think there’s any decently logical explanation for any circumstances in which a person could comfortably choose to hurt an person that they actually love for their own gain, and without remorse, that makes it make sense. That ain’t love.”
“And if he’s totally fine with causing you pain just so he can have something as horrifyingly unimportant for his own welfare- just for a little extra flavor, and because he doesn’t want to have to do too much effort actually spicing up the sex by doing nice things to get her more enthusiastic, yikes- I honestly feel like, the dude literally doesn’t even understand the basic concept of what love is, yikes.”
“Run. Run now. This can only get worse.” – mmmcapella
“This guy is manipulative and immature, and OP should leave him immediately. Plus, these traits probably manifest in other ways that she hasn’t brought up in the post.”
“Being into angry sex as a preference is one thing, but this guy has taken it way too far and doesn’t even possess the conscience to think of it as a bad thing.” – kiko-m
“This is extremely manipulative. His sexual pleasure is not more important than your emotions/current stressors.”
“It’s totally unfair for him to put more on you by making you angry when you already have a lot going on. And it sounds like he’s focusing entirely too much on his sexual pleasure than your general happiness.” – ehhhmaybenot
“God, has he never heard of foreplay?”
“He’s literally deciding that it’s easier to make her angry than to put a little more effort into giving her something to actually be excited about.”
“If she’s not enthusiastic during sex, that sounds like he should be focusing on helping her have more fun instead of getting mad at her for wanting to actually participate during sex, instead of just being his cheerleader. It’s amazing.”
“He just has to be one of those people walking around and ordering people to smile at him, only to get offended that they’re not sufficiently delighted to do it.”
“I mean, he even felt like it’s totally reasonable to tell her about this like it’s a clever little life hack he came up with, and not him basically bragging right to her face that he’s a sociopath.” – mmmcapella
“Wouldn’t call it normal. I don’t get what he thought this will lead to in future.”
“Making you angry only because his needs are fullfilled more is just unfair and very strange like he thinks he could lead a angry based relationship.”
“And yes also having sex after every fight sounds very unhealthy for a relationship.” – KonradHent
“If he wanted to rile you up before sex the two of you should have both been in agreement to that sort of dynamic in your relationship.”
“You weren’t, though, and I don’t blame you at all for feeling deceived and used. Time to have a discussion about if that will continue, or indeed if the relationship at all is salvageable.” – S-Selcouth
Overall, Redditors confirmed that the OP was being emotionally manipulated as she suspected.