Redditor Zealousideal-Lie1085 loves to share things with her boyfriend, but lately her man has been taking that a little too far.
The Original Poster (OP) and her boyfriend share lots of clothing, but recently the boyfriend has been wearing said clothing to play paintball.
To make matters worse, he doesn't wash the clothes right away.
This has disgruntled the OP, leading her to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
There she asked:
"AITA for not letting my boyfriend wear my t shirts?"
She went on to explain.
"I [20-year-old Female] and my boyfriend [20-year-old Male] share pretty much everything."
"I like my t shirts oversized, usually a men's medium. So they fit him."
"Recently he started playing paintball and started wearing the t shirts I bought. He says 'it'll wash out' which it sometimes does."
"He'll go get clothes covered in paint and wait 2-3 weeks to wash it. He wore my black cargo pants which really ticked me off because I like the way they fit me."
"I told him I don't want him wearing my clothes anymore. We got into an argument and I said he should buy his own clothes, which hit a nerve because he doesn't have a job."
"I make more than enough money to support us and money isn't the problem, it's the fact that he has no problem ruining clothes that he didn't buy."
"I do feel bad for arguing and bringing up that he has no income."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"YTA a bit to yourself. He's acting as if he's some toddler that's unable to learn or understand what he's being told. He's not going to change and he's shown you that he's not going to change."
"You need to treat people like they teach you to treat them. Right now, your BF is telling you that he doesn't care about what you want."
"I suggest reading this before reading the rest of my comment. It's written by a guy who was doing similar things as your BF. She left me for leaving dishes by the sink. [link included in original post]"
"At this point, it's not about the shirts. It's about basic respect."
"Asking your BF to not wear your shirts has become asking him to respect you enough not to wear them. You've communicated clearly."
"He's making you ask him to treat you like an equal partner and human being and repeatedly saying NO." - BankApprehensive2514
"NTA. If he can't afford to buy his own clothes - although doesn't already own clothes????? - how can he afford to play paintball?"
"And why does he not do the laundry to contribute to the household you are supporting? Time to reevaluate your relationship." - laurelblossom
"NTA. He's intentionally destroying your property. Shouldn't he be looking for a job, not playing paintball? And why can't he just use the same outfit over and over again?" - cassowary32
"Please ask yourself honestly what you're getting out of this relationship. And if he has substituted his mother with you."
"Does he do his fair share of chores? If he's not working, what is his contribution to your shared living space?"
"Does he support you or make you feel like you need to work hard to make his life easy? You're both young. Is he working on his education or training or life skills?" - Rohini_rambles
"NTA, what's with all you young girls with so much potential dating these losers? SMH. Drop him. Find a man who is worth your time and effort." - Saiyan-b
"NTA. If he returned them in the same condition that he took them in then that would be a different story. But he's not. He's ruining your clothes."
"I'd be pissed. Tell him it's his fault he can't wear your stuff anymore. And think seriously about a relationship with a guy who doesn't respect you or your stuff." - nancylyn
"NTA! FWIW, my older brother used to 'borrow' my t-shirts a lot in high school."
"I played sports (volleyball, basketball, track, etc), and he apparently thought it was cool to wear shirts that said stuff like, 'Hometown High School Girls Volleyball Team.'"
"We were supposed to wear them on game days, and one day, my shirt wasn't in my closet."
"I saw my brother in the hallway after 2nd hour, standing with a large group of his friends, wearing my shirt. I lost it."
"I started screaming at him and yelled, 'What the f*ck? Why are you stealing a woman's clothes?!?' His friends all looked at him and gave him a bunch of sh*t for wearing 'girls clothes.'"
"Now, obviously, these shirts were unisex, but that wasn't the point. His friends apparently teased him about it so much that he never stole them from me again 😂"
"But back to your son... I mean boyfriend... So instead of getting a job like an adult (and if you're in the US, jobs are plentiful at the moment), he plays paintball."
"With what money?? Why can't he wear his own clothes to play? Oh that's right - because he knows they might get ruined."
"And despite not having a job, it takes him weeks to wash the clothes he wore? Hell no. I work two jobs and still manage to find time to do laundry a few times a week!"
"I'd go to the thrift store and buy some cheap shirts for him and explain your clothes are off limits."
"Just because you make enough to support you guys doesn't mean you should have to keep spending money to replace clothing!"
"He's being absolutely disrespectful by continuing to take your clothes despite telling him not to and then ruining them."
"He's completely disregarding a very reasonable boundary you set, then getting mad when you try to enforce that boundary? No. That's not okay."
"I'm sorry, OP, but this guy sounds like bad news. You guys are 20, and he's treating you like his mom."
"Idk how long you've been together, but I highly recommend you take a good look at your relationship and ask yourself if you want to be with a man like this."
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single-income couple - as long as you've both agreed to it."
"I'd be willing to bet that if you live together, he sits around all day doing nothing (sleeping half the day, playing video games, watching TV, playing paintball, etc)…"
"…while you work all day - then come home and have to do all the chores by yourself (laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc)."
"He's treating you like his mom, not his partner. For your own sanity, I urge you to reconsider your relationship with this guy." - ThrowMe2TheKittens
"He has money to buy his own clothes. He's just spending it on paintball."
"Also, if he's going to keep up with this hobby, he can get clothes from a thrift store on the cheap and not care if they are paint-stained. He's being selfish."
"NTA." - PorcupineTattoo
"Wait, wait, wait..."
"Are you telling us that he's not working? Doesn't even bring in a paycheck from a part-time job or some place? There are sooo many retail jobs looking for help."
"Steals your clothes, ruins them, and he doesn't care. But you feel bad telling him to buy his own clothes when he doesn't have a job?"
"He has no job by choice!! There's absolutely no reason he can't do the laundry for you and him in a timely fashion."
"He should also do all house cleaning, errands, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, etc. He's not working, so he should be doing all of it. Yet, I suspect he's doing none of it or barely anything."
"You do realize that he doesn't have a job because he doesn't want one. And when he does get a job, he'll quit or get fired."
"He's being treated badly, they're out to get him, he hates the job, they don't like him, it's too stressful, they don't understand him, etc."
"I had a friend just like you. She was supporting both of them. She loved him."
"He was nice and attentive. She had a really good-paying job, worked her way up. Whatever he wanted, she bought and was happy to do it."
"They were together for 15 years."
"Do you know what happened when the company she worked at downsized and she lost her great paying job? When the new job, she finally got paid less?"
"He left her within six months for someone else because she couldn't say "yes" to everything he wanted. So he found someone else behind her back and left."
"She's still feeling hurt and angry years later. Hurt he abandoned her. That he left."
"That could be your future."
"Also he does NOT respect you at all. Otherwise, the request to leave your clothes alone he'd listen to."
"He would also wear the same paintball-stained clothes over again and not steal your clean, stain-free clothes each time. Then ruin them."
"Does he do anything to make your life easier? Does he carry his own weight in this relationship? What exactly does he do?"
"Why exactly are you with him? Why not send him back to his mother's and let her take care of him? I mean, he's her son, not yours."
"NTA for bringing up his lack of income. He knows he has no income because he doesn't want work." - Outrageous-forest
The scales are way out of balance on this one.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.