As much as two people might love each other, sometimes relationships get a little predictable and for that reason, boring.
But when a couple tries to "spice things up" without totally making sure that both people are comfortable with the changes, the relationship could be over before it could even really shift, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor teethtreeboil was in a happy relationship with her boyfriend when they decided to try out a threesome to change up their dynamics a bit.
But when the two started disagreeing about the details of the threesome arrangement, the Original Poster (OP) realized the changes might have ruined what they had.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not giving my boyfriend a free pass after I slept with his friend?"
The OP and her boyfriend recently took their relationship in a new direction.
"My boyfriend, Ryan (25 Male), and I (24 Female) have been dating for a bit under two years. Recently, we've been getting more experimental in the bedroom."
"I pitched the idea of a threesome with another woman (I'm bi) and he suggested his friend Jessi (25 Female), who is also bi."
"I had met Jessi quite a few times as she is very good friends with Ryan and they've known each other for a long time."
"He was upfront with me when we met that they dated for a few weeks like seven years ago before amicably splitting due to lifestyle differences (Jessi is a party girl, anti-religious, child-free, Ryan said there were too many differences between them, and they haven't messed around since but stayed friends)."
"Jessi and I have hung out a few times, just the two of us, and I consider her my friend now too."
Everything was going well for the three of them.
"One day when she was over Ryan pitched the idea to Jessi. Jessi seemed a bit shocked but agreed."
"We got down to business and… it was nice. I thought we all had fun. We've done it a few times and I thought everyone was on the same page and it's not weird."
"Well, now it is. The other day Jessie stayed over and slept in our bed with us. Ryan went to work early and it was just Jessie and I."
"I woke up to her trying to initiate sex with me (politely). While I was interested, I declined, saying Ryan wasn't here, and he wouldn't be ok with just us messing around."
"She then showed me she had texted Ryan earlier specifically asking permission to sleep with me without him. He responded, 'That's fine, as long as I get a free pass, too.'"
"I thought for a second and came to the conclusion that the idea of him and Jessi together didn't upset me, as I trusted both of them. So I was okay with him sleeping with her as long as he told me about it."
But then the relationship got unbelievably complicated.
"We really should have talked about the details more because this is where it all went wrong."
"Jessi and I did sleep together without Ryan, it was fine and all, but when he got home later, Jessi asked him when he wanted his free pass."
"He said, 'Not sure yet, gotta try to talk to this girl at work I want to use it on.' Both Jessi and I were confused as we thought he meant a free pass with JESSI but apparently he meant a free pass with ANYONE."
"Which I was not okay with. I knew and trusted Jessi, which is why I agreed to it."
"I told him this and he said it wasn't fair that I could sleep with whoever but he couldn't."
"I told him it's not WHOEVER, it's this one person we both trust."
"Jessi then left us to resolve the argument. Ryan said the threesomes with Jessi are mostly for me, as he isn't all that attracted to her. So he wants someone different."
"I kind of feel like I got trapped so I told him no."
"Now he's not speaking to me and I can't tell if I'm the AH. I mean, I did sleep with his friend."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed, believing the relationship ended as soon as it was opened up.
"I've never known anyone with an 'open' relationship that worked out. If you just want a friend-with-benefits relationship, then it's fine, but a relationship with a stable future isn't going anywhere when you're being intimate with other people. Best of luck to you." - Huge-Lawfulness9264
"Open relationships are generally more successful when they start that way and the people involved are familiar with the dynamic. People without any open experience switching from a mono relationship very often ends up being messy especially with it's only one partner that really wanted it." - pup_101
"This sounds all convoluted and complicated." - Pandorasconservation
"It's not doomed because of a threesome or the idea of opening a relationship like others have said though. It's simply doomed because of a massive difference in expectations that arose from said interactions."
"If two partners can not agree on the terms of their relationship, no matter what type of relationship it is, then the relationship is inevitably doomed." - Latsirroff
Though the OP suggested the threesome, others were concerned by the boyfriend's motives.
"Listen, if he already has someone picked out, it didn't matter what you agreed to, he's going to sleep with her, and was planning to before this ever happened."
"It's over. Move on." - better_as_a_memory
"NTA. Your title made it sound like you cheated."
"In the context asked, why wouldn't you have thought that he meant the friend? Why didn't he already assume the friend was the one the pass was for."
"He's looking for permission to cheat. Tell him the pass is for Jessi, that's it. If he has a problem with that he knows where the door is." - No-Personality5421
"This is exactly what he wanted by saying he'd get a pass, too. He knew beforehand he wanted to sleep with someone else besides OP and Jessi. He has been waiting for the opportunity."
"He'll most likely attempt to cheat, given his desire to sleep with her and his upset over believing he's being denied his pass. He knew what he was doing with his ask." - trvllvr
"NTA. This man wants his cake, ice cream, cookies, and to eat it all in front of you. Leave, and take Jessi with you!" - bhardy10
"He knew what he was doing and what you girls thought it meant. Clearly when he came is was even more evident."
"You are not the a-hole here. You had something steady with someone you both agreed to, and he's changing the agreement. Yeah, this may be something you break up over because he's clearly moving to a standard open relationship. Unless you want that. But this game he just played is a huge a** red flag! For sure!" - stinkytheferret
"This boils down to boundaries. It sounds like you two had already cleared the threesome hurdle but never the open marriage hurdle. He's now broached the subject and you will need to have another conversation."
"To be honest, I've never seen a relationship go this direction and survive, and I've been Jessi." - NotSoNice_Needlework
One Redditor tried to offer a helpful solution to the OP before calling the relationship quits.
"Origin story of the situation aside, what this boils down to is that he wants something, that you don't feel comfortable with. Discussing that, seeing and understanding each other's position (even without feeling the same) will be key."
"Once you're there, as a couple you go with the most 'conservative' opinion that exists between you. You should both understand that your relationship is what matters here, not any of the extra 'bells and whistles.'"
"The tricky thing is to not make it transactional. He's not getting his free pass BECAUSE you did this other thing, he might get it because you both want him to have a nice experience. And likewise, he's not NOT getting it for some previous event, it's because it's not right for both of you as a couple."
"This setup also allows for changes over time. Something that might normally be fine, might not be right now. It's okay to not always feel the same. Your comfort, either with the situation or person, can change and there should be space for that. Likewise for him."
"It can be tough, but if you nail it, there's so much healthy conversation and connection to be triggered by having these discussions. I've been on both sides, not 'getting' a treat I feel comfortable with but my wife doesn't, and putting the brakes on a situation myself."
"At the moment it sucks, either you're not getting what you hoped for or you feel like the party pooper, but in the long run, it enables some amazing things! Hope you guys work it out!" - FriendlyDavez
The subReddit found this situation to be an absolute mess, and while the OP was the one who suggested the threesome in the first place, they could also understand where her misunderstanding and discomfort around the "free pass" were coming from.
It was clear the dynamics of the relationship were changing, and unless both of the original people in the relationship were comfortable with the situation and willing to communicate, it might be time to move on.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.