There are few things more uncomfortable than dining out with someone who badmouths the service staff.
Sometimes they say things directly to the server, leaving fellow diners stuck cringing and squirming. But other times, things are said when the server has walked away.
Either way, it can be uncomfortable.
A Redditor encountered just that situation recently. But when he attempted to intervene, things became even more problematic.
He explained the entire incident in a post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who has since deleted his username on the site, entitled his post with a clear summation of where things went downhill.
"AITA for pointing out to my girlfriend that she is overweight?"
OP began his story on the defensive.
"Before you sh*t yourself, calm down and hear me out."
"I've been with my girl for 2 years now, and known her for 3. And since I've known her, she's had a really bad habit of making fun of people. Mostly behind closed doors, but sometimes in front of them.
"Now I'm all for edgy humor, I actually like it. But there's a difference between making jokes and being a bi***. I always tell her to chill, but she never listens."
That all came to a head in a recent outing.
"Well this past weekend, we went out to eat at a local place, and our waitress was a bit on the heavy side. Not fat by any means, but a bit chubby. All things considered, she looked good. About an 8/10 without makeup, and she was being really nice to us."
"We ordered, and when she walked away, my girlfriend started making fun of her weight. The girl looked back at us, then kept walking. I told my girl that the waitress heard her and she said she didn't care."
But OP's girlfriend pressed on.
"She's still cracking jokes as the waitress comes back with the drinks, and it's obvious she's holding back tears. My girl is just giggling and staring at her."
"I got mad and said 'Why are you laughing? She's thinner than you.'"
"She got up and walked out to the car. I paid for the food which wasn't even ready, left a $20 tip, apologized to the waitress, and we left."
"She didn't say a word on the way home."
And the anger persisted.
"Since then, every time she speaks to me, she starts out by asking me to apologize. She just texted me (6am my time) asking when I was going to apologize for what I said."
"It's starting to get annoying."
OP was left considering just how guilty he ought to feel.
"My brother and my dad said that I was too harsh, especially since we were in public. But I don't think so. Girlfriend or not, if she can't take the same sh** she puts out, then she needs to close her f***ing mouth."
"I've warned her to stop picking on people, but she didn't listen. The only way she's getting an apology from me is if she gives one to the waitress."
"If she can't do that, then she needs to stop bringing this up. It's that simple, and I'm sticking to that."
"So what's up, AITA this time? Because if I am, I'm not seeing it."
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to provide feedback by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors felt OP's girlfriend was definitely in the wrong, but were quick to say OP definitely screwed up in his own right.
"ESH. Please stay together because you both are shi**y people and deserve each other. Or learn to treat people like PEOPLE, both of you." -- Spiritual_Feather
"ESH. She's a bully that's clear, but you sound like one yourself. From your many weight descriptions and ranking women's bodies, as well as how you've responded in the comments, you seem to be okay with some forms of bullying, but conveniently not others." -- chivette44
""ESH. Your partner is just not nice. Your treatment of the situation was great, but the way you rate how the waitress looks?"
"That makes me wonder if your partner was lashing out because you might have a tendency of checking out other women when you're with her, so she's doubly insecure." -- Marabomarabo
"ESH. Your girlfriend for being a bully and you for this line 'About an 8/10 without makeup.'"
"Seriously. Only a**holes rate women on their appearance like that. Grow up. Obviously, your girlfriend needs to grow up too. You two seem good for each other." -- Niveker14
Many people advised rethinking the relationship altogether.
"NTA: Why are you dating someone so insecure that she needs to tear others down to feel ok? You sound like you don't even particularly like your GF that much and I don't blame you."
"Apologize...for not breaking up with her sooner." -- NorthernLitUp
"Dude... who dates someone this horrible for this long? Either you are just as mean and won't admit it, or you don't think very highly of yourself."
"If you don't demand change or break up with her, she's going to keep being this disgusting. Who mocks people behind their back like that? Who puts up with someone talking sh** about others for THREE YEARS?!?" -- Kindly_Candle9809
"ESH - You both sound like miserable people. The fact that you tolerate each other isn't a good reason to stay together." -- RD2BE713
A good amount of Redditors, however, did voice their support for OP.
They called out his girlfriend as the primary issue.
"NTA, please break up with that fat phobic, inconsiderate bully, go back to the restaurant and ask the waitress out on a date." -- snow_whiteish
"NTA You actually did NOT call GF fat. You tore down your GF's scale of what GF perceives as fat."
"The true problem is that GF thinks she is being cute, clever, funny but is really cruel, judgmental, horrid."
"You are kind-hearted. I think you should have a good think about whether this is they type of person you want to be with, and if you have gotten more serious, if you want her to mother any of your future children." -- MonikerSchmoniker
"NTA, there's a place in hell for those who pick on public-facing staff to upset them as they can't defend themselves. Well done."
"One of my red lines in relationships is that you can tell a lot about a persons character from how they treat waiting staff - if they mistreat them, I lose interest." -- CarpeCyprinidae
"NTA. Your girlfriend is insecure, probably a bit intimidated by the waitress and tbh not a really good person. If you can dish it you can take it."
"You apologizing if she goes back and apologizes to the waitress is the perfect approach." -- OnATrainTo
As for next steps, the Reddit responses left OP with a variety of possible approaches. What is clear, however, is that OP and his girlfriend have a lot to talk about.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.