It's nice to have a friend or family member whose "door is always open."
Whose home we can show up to with no prior warning, simply to enjoy their company, or just to get out of our own home.
Even so, some people take that age-old expression a bit too literally.
And as a result, they aren't so much providing company as they are freeloading.
Redditor meowcat123490 recently moved into her first solo apartment.
To which her boyfriend was a constant visitor.
At first, the original poster (OP) was always excited about his visits, as it gave them plenty of quality time together.
It didn't take long, however, for the OP to realize that all was not well with the situation and that changes needed to be made.
Changes the OP's boyfriend wanted no part of.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for telling my boyfriend not to come over anymore if he doesn’t move in with me."
The OP explained why she wanted her boyfriend's visits to come to an end:
"I, a 19-year-old female, and my boyfriend, a 19-year-old male, have been together for almost two years (1 year, 10 months)."
"For context, I moved into my 1-bedroom apartment about 6 months ago."
"I live alone, I pay all my bills alone, and buy my own groceries."
"My boyfriend comes over every single day, and I’m not just saying that, he is literally there every day."
"I get home from work, and by the time I’m out of the shower, he is at the apartment."
"I didn’t really mind at first, because I was excited he was seeing me every day, because before that he told me he didn’t want to spend a lot of time with me that it was 'overwhelming' to him."
"So I was excited and happy he wanted to be with me ( my love language is quality time)."
"Well fast forward I’ve noticed an increase in my bills, just last month my utility bill increased by $70, whether this was weather or him I’m not totally sure, but he’s been there even when I’m not there."
"He’s taken showers, watched TV (I’m not a huge TV person), and he’ll leave the lights on, not to mention he uses the restroom all the time, sometimes three times."
"So there’s that, and then I’m running out of my groceries faster than I’d like."
"I buy groceries just enough for me, every two weeks (my pay schedule), I buy a pack of Cokes (12), and that should last me the entire month, as I don’t drink a lot of soda, but what do you know, I’m running out in two weeks."
"Why.. well."
"An example of him drink all of my sodas would be when we were watching tv, he ordered us a pizza, and while we were eating, he offered to grab me a drink and I just told him to grab me a water and he grabbed himself a soda which I didn’t mind since like I said I don’t drink them often."
"He drinks the first soda, then he gets up to grab a second, he comes back to the table and drinks the second, I was visibly annoyed but didn’t say anything, he then gets up AGAIN, and walks to the fridge to grab a third?!"
"I quickly interrupted him and said 'nope no no no, if you are very thirsty you can have a water you are not drinking all the sodas I just bought' to which he responds, 'what are you my mom' and I respond 'no but I’m your girlfriend and you didn’t buy those I did, when I want a soda I want to be able to drink one' and he came to sit down."
"He was mad, I know this because he does the thing where he clinches his jaw, and he didn’t speak to me for a while."
"After this, I had the realization that he really is just living here without sleeping here."
"He’s eating and drinking all of my food, and using my utilities."
"So I thought carefully of what I wanted to say, and I got the right wording together."
"When he came over the next day, I brought up the conversation of 'why don’t you move in with me?'”
"And he just said 'no, I don’t want to' and I was like 'what, why, you basically live here without sleeping here, you are here every day and using all of my things' I know I shouldn’t have snapped like that, but that just completely threw me off."
"His reasoning started with 'I want to finish school', which I would completely understand if he was in school.. he’s not."
"He missed the deadline to sign up for classes so he’s not enrolled right now."
"Which I reminded him of."
"His next reason was 'I don’t want to live in an apartment I want to live in a house', so I then said 'we are 19, we aren’t established and don’t have money put back for a house you have to be realistic, we can eventually get a house but an apartment is apart of that step' and then he responded with 'I just don’t want to move out I like having no responsibilities', this was finally the real answer."
"I told him since he didn’t want to move out and help me, then he can’t come over every day, and we’ll have to hang out at his house more often."
"It’s been a week since this conversation, and he’s still coming over every day, and I don’t know what to do. I love his company, but I can’t afford it."
"I still can’t really wrap my head around his answer, and I’m trying to respect it, but part of me wonders if it was someone else, would he want to live with them, would he support them?"
"Or does he just not see a future with me?"
"Everyone is asking about the key."
"When I made a copy of my key, he was with me and suggested he should have one for emergencies."
"So I made him a copy too."
"He also has no responsibilities; his mom pays for his car, gas, and clothes."
"I’m not sure what to do, any advice is appreciated."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP should definitely tell her boyfriend his visits need to stop.
Almost everyone felt that the OP's boyfriend should not cease his visits until he moves in and contributes to expenses, but shouldn't come over anymore at all, feeling this was an unhealthy relationship that needed to end:
"He gets all the perks and none of the stress; you’re funding his life, and this is him at his best."
"Frankly I wouldn’t let him move in, the fact that he takes so easily and never considers how his actions impact you is super gross and entitled."
"He’s beyond selfish; you’ll save money and have peace without him."
"Make sure you get the keys back or change the locks."
"NTA."- whatsmypassword73
"Take his key away. He can come over when you invite him."
"NTA."- Brondoma
"NTA."
"You're 19 with your whole life ahead of you."
"You can do way better than this guy."- CucumberAcrobatic288
"NTA."
"You can't force someone to move in if they don't want to."
"BUT.. the first 'What're you, my MOM?!' would've been enough for me to say NOPE."
"Why don't you go HOME to your REAL mom, and let HER put up with you."
"I'm a dude, but the sentiment is still the same."- SpecificCommittee249NTA
"Take his key away!"
"He shouldn’t have one, he isn’t going to respect your request to stop coming over if you don’t set firmer boundaries!"
"Stick to it."
"And if he changes how he treats you because you took the key, maybe it’s a sign to break up."
"He wants a second mommy to take care of him, you’re 19, you don’t need a baby as a boyfriend."- UnPracticed_Pagan
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood between her and her boyfriend:
"We talked."
"This also just happened, so I’m mentally drained, so I’m sorry if this update isn’t the best."
"I took his key like many of you suggested."
"I told him that until he learns to call me and ask if he can come over, he cannot have the key. I also added that the key is only to be used for emergencies, and I don’t feel like he should have it."
"He then agreed to this, and went on to explain that it feels like we are in two different mindsets."
"Me having an apartment, steady income, and responsibilities."
"And him, living at home, no bills, etc."
"He then started to put the fault on me, saying it was too expensive and I shouldn’t have moved out, but I didn’t have a choice to move out, it was forced upon me."
"We argued back and forth about that for a while, he suggested I budget my money, but I literally don’t spend anything other than what I need."
"I have an interview for a second job tomorrow so I can start being able to afford the things I want."
"That’s besides the point; it was dumb and felt like deflection on his end."
"We fought back and forth some more, and then it eventually ended with me saying he is a child who doesn’t want to grow up right now, and I don’t want that around me forever."
"I don’t know if we’re broken up or what is really happening i assume I’ll know more about that tomorrow."
"Thank you everyone for your support and kind words, it really means a lot and has helped me see things I couldn’t see before."
"I’m glad I reached out on here."
The OP's presumably ex-boyfriend should consider himself lucky.
Lucky he apparently has parents willing to fund his slacker lifestyle.
He'd better enjoy it while it lasts, because it, hopefully, won't last forever.
And when his luck runs out, it's easy to imagine he'll regret not taking the OP's advice and starting to live like an adult when he had the chance.
