It might not always feel convenient or like we have time to dedicate to it, but it’s incredibly important that we shower regularly and that we shower well.
That, of course, includes thoroughly washing our hair, brushing our teeth, and using soap on our skin, clarified the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Honest-Draw3131 was living with her boyfriend, and their shared spaces were negatively impacted by her boyfriend’s showering habits, which did not include using soap.
When she brought this up to him, and he accused her of having too high of standards for cleanliness, the Original Poster (OP) felt like he was gaslighting her.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting, or is it not normal to use soap in the shower?”
The OP came to the subReddit at a loss for what to think.
“I feel ridiculous even asking this, but I honestly don’t know if I’m missing something or being gaslit.”
“I’m a Black woman, and my boyfriend is white. This is the first white man I’ve ever dated, which is relevant, because I keep wondering if I’m misunderstanding something cultural.”
The OP’s boyfriend did not feel the need to use soap when he showered.
“My boyfriend does not regularly use soap when he showers. He says he rinses with water and that soap is optional unless you’re visibly dirty.”
“He will sometimes use shampoo, but body soap is inconsistent at best. He also doesn’t always use soap when washing his hands in the bathroom and says hot water is enough.”
“When I brought this up, he told me that I’m overreacting and that this is ‘a white people thing’ and that I’m judging him through my own cultural lens.”
“He said growing up, his family didn’t obsess over soap the way mine did, and that my expectations are based on how I was raised, not on what’s medically necessary. He said different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates, so he does not need soap as often as I do.”
“This really threw me. In my family and community, soap is not optional. You shower daily, you use soap, you wash your hands properly, and you use a bar of soap to wash your a**. It’s basic hygiene. I’ve never had to explain this to an adult partner before.”
But her boyfriend’s habits were really beginning to impact their home.
“The problem is that it affects shared spaces. Our towels smell. Our sheets smell faster than they should.”
“I question his bathroom and backdoor hygiene because sometimes there is a poop smell when we are intimate.”
“He insists I am imagining it because Black people are too uptight about using soap all the time and using washcloths. He even makes fun of me for using washcloths!”
“I’ve had to rewash laundry because things don’t feel clean.”
“I feel uncomfortable inviting people over because I’m worried the house smells off, even if he insists I’m imagining it.”
“When I push back, he says I’m being judgmental and culturally insensitive and that I need to stop projecting my standards onto him. He says if I really understood him, I’d realize this is normal where he comes from and that I’m making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.”
The OP was at a loss for how to make this situation better.
“Now I’m stuck questioning myself. Is this actually a cultural difference I should be more open-minded about, or is this just bad hygiene being dressed up as something deeper?”
“I don’t want to be unfair or ignorant, but I also don’t want to live like this. I feel like his bad hygiene is negatively impacting my life, and I don’t have any white female friends to ask.”
“Am I overreacting for being bothered by this, or is it reasonable to expect soap to be non-negotiable in a shared home?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her boyfriend’s gross habits were his and his alone.
“Everyone uses soap except for the OP’s boyfriend.”
“This isn’t a white thing. This is an OP’s boyfriend thing. Sounds like she picked one of those guys we’ve been hearing about who smells like literal s**t because he doesn’t wash or wipe properly.”
“He also sounds highkey racist, saying certain ethnic groups get dirtier quicker than others. I’d get rid of him if I were OP, this is not fixable.” – Sad-Midnight-6217
“Also, white isn’t a culture. No culture wants to claim this filthy, poop-covered, racist pig.” – Only_Hour_7628
“NOR. White woman here. I use bar soap, hand soap, shampoo, and other products every day! I also have deodorant, spray, perfume, and decent laundry detergent, too.”
“This has nothing to do with skin color. Your boyfriend is nasty, lazy, and apparently didn’t learn how to properly clean himself.” – PNL-Maine
“That’s a dirty person thing, not a white person thing. Your boyfriend just never learned proper hygiene.”
“I’ve heard there are cultural differences in terms of using washcloths or not, as opposed to loofahs and other tools, but soap is necessary to clean yourself… Does he wash his hands after a poop?!”
“And is he not using soap for clothes? Water alone doesn’t get things clean. Have him put marker on himself and see how long it takes to come off with just water.” – ZennMD
“OP is NOR. Break up with him until he learns to scrub his filthy a** in the shower and AFTER a crap! Spritz him when he’s coming out of the bathroom without using soap. He’ll get into the habit.”
“Or even frame it as concerns like, ‘Boyfriend, I noticed some concerning habits around hygiene… would you be opposed to getting into the habit of using soap around your crotch/armpits during showers so that you don’t smell like a** all of the time, especially during sex?'” – SuperbDimension2694
“Seriously, ‘cultural difference’?! All cultures should be using soap!!”
“Your boyfriend is disgusting, and I question you, as well, because what the f**k do you mean it smells like s**t when y’all are having sex?! This is how infections start, too. Please go find someone who understands basic hygiene because this is truly insane.” – typical_lame
Others could not look beyond the boyfriend’s many racist remarks.
“I might need my own ‘Am I Overreacting’ post, because isn’t suggesting ‘different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates’ racist? Is he not just saying Black people are dirtier, and that’s why they use soap?! I swear, he and his family must be racist as all h**l.” – 4humans
“Are we just gonna gloss over the racist little ‘different ethnic groups get dirtier at different rates, so he does not need soap as often as I do’ comment??”
“He literally won’t even wipe or wash his own s**t off of himself, but because he’s white and you’re not, he’s still cleaner than you?”
“Beloved, I don’t know what has happened in this relationship to witness and experience his filth and have you thinking you’re overreacting, but I swear to you, you are not. You deserve so much more than a filthy, s**t-covered, racist white man. NOR.” – TATOMC13
“What the f**k? How does SKIN COLOR or ETHNICITY account for cleanliness? Dirt isn’t attracted to one color of skin or ethnic background!” – OkamiKhameleon
“NOR!”
“White woman here who was raised using soap to wash all parts of my body, including hand soap for hands, and washcloths as well.”
“I cannot believe the audacity of this dirty white man to imply that you get dirtier faster because you’re Black. That is disgusting, and you deserve to be with someone who does not try to weaponize your race against you for his own shortcomings.” – HatsOffToEwe
“OP, please do not doubt yourself on this. His being gross and stubborn is one thing, but trying to disguise his blatant racism as a cultural thing is downright despicable.”
“Plus, whether he knows it or not, trying to flip it on you like you’re the one being ‘culturally insensitive’ is a form of gaslighting. I know breaking up with a partner you’re living with is SO much easier said than done, but the behaviors you’ve described indicate the kind of red flags that will almost certainly undermine your sanity and self-worth over time, even if you win the battle about soap.”
“Please take care, and know that you deserve a partner who listens, values you, and knows how to wash his a** (45-year-old white girl here, for reference).” – McDancerson
The subReddit was absolutely disgusted on the OP’s behalf, not just because her boyfriend had terrible personal hygiene habits and refused to take accountability for them, but because his comments about why she shouldn’t be concerned were inherently racist.
The OP deserved a romantic partner who was clean and respectful of her, their shared home, and even of themselves. If her boyfriend couldn’t provide that, she was better off being single than putting up with the increasing smell.