Everyone has heard of bridesmaids, groomsmen, the Best Man, and the Maid of Honor, and those roles are common to most wedding parties. In some situations, when a bride and groom want to invite more people to their wedding party than they have room for, they might include more friends or family members by way of including ushers and "bridal assistants."
A bridal assistant's duties, according to sources like Rustic Elegance, include running last-minute errands for the bride, doing her makeup, and providing coffee, champagne, and food to the wedding party. Some weddings are large enough affairs to justify having a bridal assistant or two, and others view it as a nice way of including someone who couldn't be a bridesmaid.
But some people view it as an insult and a downgrade from being a bridesmaid, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Master_Pepper_254 was getting married and included her best friend in her wedding party, and when her best friend was set to get married after her, she assumed she'd reciprocate and be in her wedding party, as well.
But when her friend assigned her as a bridal assistant, because she was introverted and wouldn't "look good" in the bridesmaid's dress she'd selected, the Original Poster (OP) was deeply hurt, especially when she found out that meant that she wouldn't even be with the wedding party throughout most of the event.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being hurt that my best friend gave me a 'bridal attendant' role instead of bridesmaid?"
The OP had mixed feelings about the role her friend had given her in her wedding.
"My best friend asked me to be her bridal attendant. Yes, I’m also her best friend."
"We’re having weddings only a few weeks apart next year, and she’s going to be one of my bridesmaids (we’re day ones, and have been through it all)."
"I had no idea what a bridal attendant was when I accepted her offer. I was just excited for her and happy I was asked first out of everyone."
"I truly believe she was trying to think of me when choosing a position (her explanation for my role was because I’m more introverted, I’m not close with any of her other bridesmaids, and I don’t necessarily look great in the color she chose for her bridesmaids)."
"I somewhat agree with this, but it would be selfish of me to not set those things aside at her wedding."
"It’s HER day and not about how I look in a dress. It also reads more like excuses to make a job for me."
The OP tried to discuss her concerns with the bride, but her feelings were dismissed.
The OP tried to clarify her role in the wedding.
"What are my duties as an attendant?"
"I have many questions."
The bride sent her a link to an article and gave her examples.
"I'm not entirely sure yet. I'll probably have an 'emergency kit' that you have and are in charge of."
"I'm not sure what else, potentially. Like if I order some sandwiches or have you help make little sandwiches in the morning."
u/Master_Pepper_254/Reddit
The OP realized she wouldn't really be involved in the wedding party.
She clarified:
"Is this like a bridesmaid with specific duties?"
"Will I be part of the wedding?"
The bride said:
"Yes, you will walk up probably with [name redacted] and then sit. It pretty much is [a bridesmaid]."
u/Master_Pepper_254/Reddit
She later wrote a message she considered sending to the bride, but she never hit "send."
"I had to think about this for a little while, and I'm going to do my best to put my feelings into words."
"I'm so excited for you. I'll do my best to make myself available to help you with absolutely anything you may need during your wedding."
"However, I don't want to be left out of your big day because I'm tasked to make sandwiches or run an errand."
"Not that I'm, by any means, unwilling to assist you, but I'd like to enjoy your wedding, as well."
"Keep in mind, I'll be having my own wedding only a few weeks before yours."
"I know you were trying to find the best position for me on your big day (because I'm introverted, don't look great in Merlot, and I'm very organized), but I don't know if being your bridal attendant reflects my importance in your life."
u/Master_Pepper_254/Reddit
The OP felt conflicted about what to do.
"I asked her to clarify duties in the first two pics. The last pic is a text draft that just let me exhaust my emotions. Never sent."
"I’m not asking her to do this at my wedding, so I’m unsure what to say."
"The other personal attendant is someone she’s not close with at all..."
"Am I overreacting by feeling hurt?"
"I know this is something that can be worked out because of how close we are, but I don’t want to trigger any emotional responses."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some encouraged the OP to see herself in a more positive light and to not allow other people to dim her shine, either.
"Don’t count yourself out by saying you don’t look good in the color and are introverted! You’re doing a disservice to yourself." - EffectBig3465
"The fact that she doesn’t look good in the color is an insane complaint."
"I’ve been in no less than 13 weddings, and not only have I had to wear some of the worst colors, but I’ve also had to wear some seriously terrible dresses."
"I’ve never considered NOT wanting to be in a wedding because the chosen color or cut of dress didn’t suit me." - Visual_Patience_41
"I don’t think OP suggested that she be an attendant, not a bridesmaid, because of not looking good in the color."
"I think her friend told her she doesn’t look good in the color and should therefore (among other reasons) not be a bridesmaid."
"OP said she somewhat agrees; it seems like she’s trying to give her friend the benefit of the doubt. I think her friend is just mean." - sugarmagzz
"'You look s**tty in this color. Here, fetch food for us, and feel honored.' Be so for real. NOR." - PetalandRocks
"Are we glossing over, 'You’re not in my bridal party because you don’t look good in the color I chose'? NOR."
"You’re not only not her best friend, and I’m not sure she likes you."
"Also, Merlot is a colour pretty much everyone can pull off, like. Dark skin, pale skin, hair colour. It doesn’t matter. Merlot is a deep muted colour, with a blue-red base; it’s a pretty neutral colour. Even if you have a pinky, peachy undertone in your skin, you can manage that bridge through accessories."
"OP's 'bestie' is a massive asshole for a) choosing the colour if she thinks OP can’t pull it off and b) telling OP she couldn’t pull it off. So rude!!"
"I think it’s time to reevaluate the friendship. Ask her why it matters that you don’t know the other wedding party members; you’d get to know them for the hen do and all anyways. It’s ridiculous. Friendships also are relationships of a kind; don’t give more than you receive. And you’re not receiving respect from her, OP!" - idkwntp
Others felt the bride needed to sort out her priorities.
"God bless the brides who’ve said f**k it. Best bridesmaid experience I’ve had is my girlie who brought 30ish samples in her color scheme and said, 'Everyone pick one, buy whatever dress you want in your color,' and meant it."
"We’re all in different colored dresses of different styles, but it’s all coordinated and looked so sick, and we were all comfortable and felt good." - kindalosingmys**t
"Unfortunately, she sounds like one of those brides."
"My sister paid a ton of money for her 'big day,' and her best friend, who’s not the standard 'pretty,' was not in the wedding but just a guest. My sister wanted a magazine-kind of wedding. She wanted fake."
"She picked the prettiest girls for her big day, and guess what? None of them are in her life anymore."
"But the girl she left out? She was a true ride-or-die type of friend, and after her wedding, she never spoke to my sister again."
"But her wedding photos look great. Barf." - SemiStrong
"If they don’t recognise you in the wedding party, this is a firm no. I don’t think you’re overreacting. The entitlement around weddings is getting out of hand. The day should be SHARED with loved ones, not become a job for which there is no reward or appreciation."
"Her bridesmaids can do the errands she needs completed. It’s literally in the title."
"If she needs a personal assistant on top of that, I would think paying a professional is the right avenue there."
"Also, what are these bulls**treasons for excluding you as a bridesmaid? I’m sorry; I don’t think the bride cares about your feelings at all. She certainly doesn't sound like best friend material." - Better-Park8752
"I hate how modern weddings seem to serve as excuses to punish your friends financially and treat your loved ones like film extras, all so the couple can feel special (and pretend they have servants). I don't need my friends to wait on me hand and foot to enjoy a special day!! (I had no wedding party, so I get that I am an outlier here)"
"I genuinely think this attendant tradition is cruel in general. And the way this lady broke the news to OP is bananapants and simply so careless of her feelings. I'm sorry."
"It won't be the first time that wedding planning has changed the course of a friendship. I really hope OP can have a conversation with her that preserves a good experience at OP's own wedding!" - serious_catbird
"Weddings really have become out of hand with expectations. I was the maid of honor for my best friend's wedding, and all I had to do was plan the bridal shower and bachelorette with the other girls."
"None of us had to run errands for the bride, make/buy decor, or were expected to help set up. Would I do those things? Yes. But it is outrageous to expect all this nonsense that is the bride and groom’s responsibility." - Jaded_Pea_3697
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye the bride for the reasons she'd given her "best friend" for not giving her a bridesmaid or Maid of Honor role on her special day. Reducing her "best friend" down to an errand-runner and sandwich-maker wasn't just insulting; it was a definite cue that the OP deserved better friendships somewhere else.
