Weddings are a great time to share fun and love with all the nearest and dearest.
But weddings can be very expensive.
So not all couples can afford to invite everybody and their mother.
Some people don't get an automatic plus one.
Redditor Ok_Opportunity7212 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for just responding 'Ok, no worries' to people who decline our wedding invite for not getting a plus one?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancée and I are planning our 2025 wedding and are working with a relatively frugal budget."
"Our parents have helped a little, but most of it is on us, which is fine."
"The venue we've chosen that fits our style and budget has a hard cap on the amount of people allowed."
"My fiancée and I also both went to undergrad and grad school and have a lot of friends from different points of our lives."
"We want to prioritize people we know over plus ones."
"For the purpose of this, I'm defining plus one as anyone who would accompany the guest we actually are friends with (so my buddy's wife is considered a plus one even though her name is on the invite since I barely know her)."
"We've made the cutoff for who gets to bring one if they are married, engaged, or live together."
"This describes the relationships of about 80% of the people invited."
"While we expected to get around a 70% acceptance rate since we're getting married in peak wedding season, so far almost everyone has accepted."
"So we're really coming close to the maximum allowed people."
"Also to be frank, we just don't want to pay $200 a person for people who are only there because of who they're dating if things aren't serious."
"A few people are upset that they can't bring their B[oy]F[riend]s/G[irl]F[riend]s of around 1-2 years who they don't live with, are not engaged to, and are not married to."
"I've had multiple cousins who are friends who are not in the wedding party complain and text me they won't be going if I won't let them bring their partner as a date."
"To not make it a case-by-case thing, I've just responded to them all with a quick 'Ok, no worries.'"
"Most people just don't respond, but a few people have gotten a little heated and sent some not-so-happy replies."
"So far, I just haven't engaged, and my fiancée thinks I may be a little too cavalier with it all (though she agrees on our rule for who to invite)."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for just responding 'Ok, no worries' to people who decline our wedding invite for not getting a plus one?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"It reads nicely as an Australian, and although I wouldn't be offended by a 'no worries,' I also wouldn't make a song and dance about 'my' plus one for any event, particularly a wedding I'm not in the party of..." ~ worker_ant_6646
"Yeah fellow Aussie I was like, no worries is my default reply to anything like that."
"But for me, it's a LIE I TELL YOU!"
"There's always worries. my head is one big worry 🤣 but that's not for them to have to deal with 🤣🤣/just kidding."
"Really though, no worries means just that."
"But I can kinda see how it may come across as flippant if the specific reason for not attending is because they can't bring a plus one, as on their end they are probably looking for a reason behind why they can't or likely OP to 'make an exception' for them."
"They are not owed an explanation, though."
"For the relationship's sake, to keep things friendly, maybe OP could just say, 'Sorry to hear that. We are really at capacity, so we've had to limit everything to close friends and family" or something.
"But again, that's just an additional kindness."
"OP is NTA." ~ Parano1dandro1d4242
"I've been married for twenty years."
"I've also been a teacher that whole time, so I've been to a lot of student's weddings."
"A couple of years ago, I got an invite. Only me."
"I compared notes with a bunch of teachers who were invited, and we all got the same thing."
"We used our powers of deductive reasoning and decided the venue was small."
"Or the budget didn't allow a bunch of extras."
"We said ok, and went to celebrate the couple."
"Nothing bad happened."
"I didn't divorce my husband because we spent a night apart." ~ melloyelloaj
"Your cut-off rule is more inclusive than my daughter's, who is also getting married next year."
"Only people invited are people who are actively in their lives."
"I'm in full support but am already getting blowback from a couple of people who expected to be invited because of their connection to me."
"I'm telling them 'It's not my wedding.' NTA." ~ Dlynne242
"NTA... if your venue has a hard cutoff and people refuse to attend because of that that's on them."
"Congrats on the wedding!" ~ Majestic-Issue-3999
"NTA, it isn't really practical to invite people who you barely know or don't know at all to your wedding particularly when you have a budget plus the people who refused to attend your wedding weren't your real friends to begin with because are you really gonna miss out on the wedding of a person you care about just because of smth so trivial as a plus one." ~ No-Occasion-6758
"I agree. If someone is willing to skip your wedding over a plus one, it shows they might not value your relationship as much as you thought."
"It's your special day, and you should invite those who truly matter to you OP. NTA." ~ CozyCupcakex
"NAH. If you don't piss off a lot of people, are you EVEN getting married." ~ Desperate-Laugh-7257
"NTA, but at the same time, how can you say a 2-year relationship of a couple who isn't living together isn't as important as someone who's been dating for a year but lives together?"
"Everyone's circumstances are different. I could see if they were dating for 6 months or are very young."
"I do also understand it's your wedding, so you can make whatever decision you want." ~ Connect-Code7478
"Your wedding. Your budget. Your limits."
"Nothing wrong with having your own parameters."
"I don't think there's anything wrong with your reply."
"There's no need to have to go into a lengthy dissertation every time someone has concerns with your 'no plus 1' if you're not in a specific type of relationship."
"You will get pushback (as you've seen), and you may burn bridges, as some people will feel slighted and offended, but that's on them to come to terms with."
"You've done nothing wrong." ~ GrumpyLump91
"NTA. Everyone's wedding pictures have those 'who is that guy' person who has dated a sister for a week and ended up in the pictures."
"You've figured out how to filter those people out while also staying within your budget" ~ wvtarheel
"NTA. Frankly, everyone who brought a plus one to our wedding who wasn't married broke up."
"We have a bunch of random ex-girlfriends and boyfriends in our photos."
"They can choose to come or not."
"If you lose a friend over this, they probably weren't a long-term friend to begin with." ~ Daddywags42
"I think the way you responded was rude, but you're allowed to organize the wedding as you wish."
"Just don't be surprised if it alienates people."
"Part of the reason for having a plus one is so your guests have more fun, have someone to sit with and talk to."
"Do not be surprised if your single guests who do attend are additionally put off when they realize some people in married/engaged relationships were allowed to have a plus one." ~ External-Comparison2
"In my country, it's a standard to invite someone you know with their chosen partner - if you know them or not."
"You're NTA but they also aren't if they don't want to come without their partner."
"Your answer may not be perfect, and there are better suggestions already, but remember that it's your day, and don't let anyone ruin it." ~ Rabbitow
"NTA. At all."
"They're trying to bully and guilt you into inviting someone who's not invited. You're responding by letting them know you accept their no-reply."
"They're the aholes for trying to manipulate you into something you don't want and can't afford for your wedding."
"You're being very polite in your response to that behavior." ~ petulafaerie_III
"NTA... you get to invite who you want."
"I think the people getting mad at the 'no worries' response wanted them not coming to be a big threat that made you cave and give them a plus one."
"Now they're mad they overestimated their importance." ~ Legitimate_Myth_3816
"NTA. They said no, you said okay. It comes across as cavalier, but they come across as entitled, so it's a wash." ~ ActualWheel6703
"We had a potential guest (part of a sports team, so was reasonably expecting an invite) tell us before invites were sent out that he declines any invite that doesn't include his girlfriend (who none of us had ever met, slightly weirdly, though I'm confident she exists)."
"He also told us that regardless of the venue, he would ask them to bring chips during the main course."
"Which - I'm not a chip snob, and if someone just really liked chips that would be a question I'd have no problem with them asking."
"He specified that he asked it as a way to test the kitchen/venue."
"He has some belief that any good venue should say yes, of course, and produce chips immediately."
"(Our venue was not a hotel or a kitchen otherwise active, so it actually could have been quite a burden to start chips from scratch given they weren't doing them as part of the menu)."
"I happily sent him an invite for himself, but he declined to attend."
"I was not going to respond to his pre-manipulation by changing my plans!" ~ Fluttering_Feathers
"NTA. You invited them solo, but they declined - fair enough."
"You accepted their refusal to come alone - fair enough."
"You don't owe them further discussion of your policy, or to give in to their pressure or guilting."
"I hope you have a fabulous and fun-filled wedding!" ~ DawnShakhar
"NTA - you are responding absolutely as you should."
"They are treating your wedding like a date night that you owe them."
"You don't."
"They can choose to come to your wedding, celebrate your marriage, and hang out with people they know in attendance, or they can choose to pass."
"You are not in the wrong with your answer because you are putting no obligation on them to come if they don't want to."
"They're just trying to bully you into giving them a free night out, which clarifies for you that they aren't really going to be at the wedding to celebrate you." ~ KrofftSurvivor
"NTA. I would have replied differently, though. 'Sorry to hear that. Thank you for letting us know.'"
"ETA: Or, perhaps a more neutral, 'Understood. Thank you for letting us know.'" ~ throw05282021
Reddit is pretty clear about your response... they're "not worried."
Your wedding, your rules.
People need to understand about wedding expenses.
You keep focusing on your happy day.
If these people come around, great.
If not, it's their loss.
Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp