Personal accountability refers to the acceptance of responsibility by a person for their own words or actions.
Some people never learn what accountability is, often because they have never experienced consequences.
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after trying go hold her daughter accountable.
Worldly-throwaw-4244 asked:
"AITA 'being cruel' for telling my daughter that she will need to help pay back the money that I spent on her wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter was supposed to get married in about 4 months. I learned earlier this week that the wedding is off and it has been off for about a month now and I just learned about it."
"In short, he (her fiancé) learned that my daughter was cheating on him early into the relationship and called it off."
"I, her mother, personally have given her money for the wedding under some conditions. it was not a gift. The main condition was to have a venue that was accessible for people with disabilities."
"So I put down the money for the venue."
"Anyways, the wedding is canceled and the venue doesn't do refunds. She has already told them she will not need the time slot and nothing will happen that day."
"It's in the contract, it has to be six months out for a cancellation to get any refund. The wedding was suppose to be in 4. She just informed the venue of it being cancelled, so no way I am getting any refund."
"The contract was very clear, there website was very clear, before I paid they were very clear. I'm not going to get money back and I still need to pay (which I already paid for most of it)."
"It was very, very clear."
"It's in the contract. No selling the date back to the venue or an outside party.
"The best we got was the refund for the food."
"So I still need to pay the venue, they are not giving me any money back and are holding the price."
"I called her and told her that I need help to pay for the venue. That since the wedding won't happen, I need her to pay me back some."
"We had a huge argument and she called me cruel for doing this. I pointed out the wedding would have happened if she didn't cheat on the man and that this wasn't a gift at all."
"She's pissed and I am out like $10k…"
"The way this venue works is that it has to be paid in full by the wedding date. It is in the contract. Most people just take out a loan and pay it off at once."
Multiple venues we looked at had this policy and didn't offer payment plans after the wedding date. It is almost paid in full."
"We are past the refund date in the contract. They only allow refund at six months. It was very clear you would be expected to pay in full if you tried to get out of it after six months."
"We wouldn't be here if it weren't my own daughter's actions."
"I'm much more pissed about her than a business making sure they get their money."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"AITA for being cruel for asking my daughter to pay back some of the money I spent on her wedding? I could be a d*ck for even asking, even though she is the reason the wedding is off."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA), although most focused on offering advice for getting money from the venue instead of the OP's question.
"NTA. Your daughter cheated. She ruined her future wedding. That's on her. If there were conditions to the money you were giving to your daughter, then yes, she needs to pay you back."
"Save any and all texts, emails, or voicemail where your daughter acknowledges that there were conditions to the money and also of her cheating, which nullified your financial help. That way, you can try to take her to court to recoup your costs."
"As to the venue, what kind of predatory contract did you sign? There is usually a cancellation deadline, which is at least 30 days, sometimes more, before the date, and you will receive a refund. I suggest you read the contract you signed when you made the deposit."
"I have never heard of a venue that can charge you for the entire fee if you cancel. You'll also want to make sure your money wasn't refunded to your daughter if the venue contract wasn't in your name and was in hers." ~ Blossom74s
"NTA. Yeah, this is all on her, her cheating, and her dishonesty."
"I am going to call you out on expecting a clearly dishonorable person, regardless of being your daughter, to act in an appropriate manner. Granted, that doesn't make you an AH. Perhaps naive."
"Don't expect to ever get the money back." ~ GreekAmericanDom
"NTA. She cheated and caused the demise of the relationship, costing you a significant sum of money."
"I would review some laws in your state and the contract that you signed. Most venues do not require payment in full after cancellation, but will not refund deposits. It is unlikely that you should have to finish paying the venue." ~ JGalKnit
"Yeah, it's weird she put down a deposit but has to still pay the full amount even though it's cancelled. Isn't that the entire point of a deposit?" ~ Due-Talk-7873
"Honestly, it depends on the outline of the payment. I have looked at venues with payment in full due within 6 months of the event, some with final amount due 2 months out, so I guess it depends on the terms of the contract signed."
"I know that I wouldn't have done one like this, but OP mentioned needing the options this venue provided." ~ JGalKnit
"Every venue I toured had a very specific pay schedule. It was something like 12 months of cancellation could get full money back minus deposit, 6 months out was half back, and 3 months was payment due in full. Requiring full payment at 4 months out is not unheard of in my experience." ~ Absurdity42
"NTA. You were paying for the venue for her wedding. Her actions caused the cancellation of her wedding, in essence breaking her agreement with you just like she did with her fiancé and any of the venues she signed contracts with."
"Her end of the agreement with you was to get married. She's not doing that."
"As for all of the people here in the comments obsessed with advising you on getting out of your agreement with the venue, they need to work on their reading comprehension. You've been very clear that you knew all of the terms and conditions in advance and signed the contract."
"You honoring that is a sign of your integrity. So, are you trying to make your child understand accountability? Taking the venue to court or refusing to pay them doesn't serve that purpose."
"You're modeling the idea that if you sign an agreement and the other party upholds their part, you honor it. What's happening isn't the venue's fault nor their problem."
"You're modeling the idea that if you make a promise, you keep it. Your daughter not keeping her promise to her fiancé is why you're in this mess. She needs to learn that lesson, and asking her to repay you instead of you and the venue suing each other is making her take accountability for her choice to cheat."
"I think that's a more valuable lesson than teaching her how to get out of a contract." ~ MohawMais
"Yeah, totally NTA, and 10K isn't a small sum that you could 'close your eyes' on, especially since it was her fault in the first place..." ~ drafthard
"NTA, if the funds were given with conditions and the conditions weren't met, daughter owes. Also, there's the whole month of not knowing, if the venue knew a month ago, they may have re-booked the date and been able to return a portion of the deposit."
"Daughter needs to realize decisions have consequences." ~ Plastic-Chest67
"NTA. Consider texting her 'You didn't tell us for a month. You cost us $10k because you cheated on your fiancé.' But that depends on your other conditions. If she didn't violate them, then she should at least pay half." ~ julesk
"NTA. This is another consequence of her actions. But even if her actions were not the cause of the cancellation you were clear the money was not a gift."
"I personally would be asking her to pay ALL of the cost. You're at least being nice enough to only ask for part."
"A lesson for anyone coming here who intends to marry in future, wedding insurance is a thing, it's not only for this kind of situation." ~ wanderingstorm
"NTA, you are well in your rights to ask for this back and sounds like she won't be spending money elsewhere for other wedding costs, so no reason you should shoulder this." ~ Scav_Construction
"If she doesn't pay you back, tell her it's her inheritance. She gets nothing else." ~ MogwaiPuppy
"NTA- she's suffering from the consequences of her actions, and she doesn't seem to be the kind of person who takes accountability. And also you made it clear that it was not a gift so i feel like it's expected on her part. You reap what you sow." ~ itchybollz
OP may never get any money from her daughter, but she's made it clear she expects her to be accountable for her actions. Whether the daughter learns that lesson depends on the daughter.
