When we're in a relationship or have an immoveable friendship, we can only think of the love that we share with those people.
But there are some people who only pretend to care for us as a way to take advantage of us, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
After her business became successful, Redditor Crafty-Row470 was surprised by the issues she began to have in her relationship, first concerning money.
But when she later found out that her boyfriend had never broken up with his ex-girlfriend, the Original Poster (OP) realized he was only dating her for her money.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for completely canceling my stepdaughter's birthday bash and leaving her with nothing after I broke up with her dad?"
The OP ended a three-year relationship after her boyfriend cheated.
"I (43 Female) broke up with my ex, Charlie (42 Male), last Spring after finding out that he cheated with his ex, Sandy (34 Female)."
"We were together for three years, during which I was a very committed stepmother to his kid, Sarah (17 Female)."
"She and I never acted like mother-daughter, but I was the go-to adult when she had problems or needed anything, because she and her mom didn't get along, and my ex would try to help but his solutions weren't very effective."
She had previously made plans to throw an extravagant party for her stepdaughter.
"A year and a half ago, I completed a very ambitious project for a large company. I started getting paid, but bonuses and royalties only came in this year upon launching."
"I was so happy and so grateful that I opened accounts for my kids."
"I decided to gift Sarah the birthday party that she wanted. Her birthday falls in July, and she wanted a pajama party for 25 people, with a big bash (fancy cake, balloons, a DJ), and to go along with her friends to stay in a hotel out of town."
"This would be for her 18th birthday. So I set up a savings account under my main bank account."
Money became an issue in the relationship when the OP's work turned successful.
"Charlie ended up asking me to help him fund a business idea, but I declined for a variety of reasons: We were not married and I prefer to go solo, his business idea sucked because he was inventing the wheel, and I would be funding everything."
"We ended up having to close the conversation because he got angry and said he needed a helpful partner by his side."
"I responded that I was taught not to give men my money. I know I was harsh and I apologized."
Charlie began to do things that hurt the OP in other ways.
"I began to feel very insecure when Charlie started to criticize my makeup and personal style. He also praised other women to my face and I felt horrible."
"Early in the relationship, we had issues because of his communication with Sandy, his ex, which resulted in him promising to cut her off."
"Fast forward a few months, and I began to notice that Sandy was very active in his family's social media. She gave likes and commented a lot, so I asked him if they were still in contact because it just didn't make sense."
"He denied it."
But then the OP discovered money was far from the only issue in their relationship.
"I went on a ten-day business trip and our communication was very off. He would only take my calls until early at night and became very vague about his daily activities. I couldn't reach him at all for two nights several days apart."
"He sounded weird when we finally talked, so I lied about having to delay my return date for a few days and arrived one day earlier instead."
"I came home to find used condoms in the trash. My world was shattered and I threw up."
"His face changed when he saw me home. He also claimed to have been at his mother's house until late."
"I said I was sick when he asked what was going on and didn't mention what I found, but he rushed to take out the trash and to do the laundry."
"I got into his phone (I know it's wrong) and found hundreds of messages from his ex (again, not Sarah's mother, but Sandy, who is much younger than the rest of us), pictures, voicemails, and conversations as if they had never broken up."
"He consulted her about things, told her about his day, etc. Then I found a family chat that made me sick. He, Sarah, and Sandy, spent a whole two days at a camping site last year when I went to visit family, and there were pictures from last Christmas with his ex at his mother's house."
"Obviously, he had a full-blown relationship behind my back and his entire family was aware of it. I directly confronted him and he tried to deny it until I played one of the voicemails."
The OP decided to move on with her life.
"I couldn't take the humiliation, so I moved out weeks later. I closed the bank account for the birthday bash and kept the money for myself."
"I cut everyone off, including his kid. He reached out in the last week of May. He pleaded with me not to take away Sarah's birthday celebration."
"I never replied. I know she's a teenager and that she has no control over her Dad's actions, but she seems awfully comfortable in her pictures with his ex and I feel extremely betrayed."
"Also, there's no way in h**l that I'm funding a party that I'm not gonna attend for obvious reasons, and I don't want to contribute to a celebration so that his s**tty family could eat and drink on my dime."
The family began to pressure the OP to still throw the birthday party.
"Sarah's mom always had separate celebrations for her, and her gift was supposed to be a camping trip. In my opinion, my ex should figure out the same."
"My ex's family cannot afford the celebration unless they save money way in advance."
"My best friend says that maybe I can send Sarah a gift if I find it in myself to forgive her actions, but I don't feel like it."
"His sister sent me a voicemail the other day, asking me to please not turn my back on her niece."
"I feel awful because I know this was Sarah's dream, but I'm too disgusted to back out from my decision."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted with the ex for leading a double life and still making demands.
"NTA. Denying him this is a very good life lesson in not screwing people over. Her father's example is: lie to people, use them, and then reap the rewards. By taking away the reward, you are showing her that this way of being an adult and having a relationship will result in disappointment for the user, not just the victim."
"I think maintaining a clear boundary and consequence here is your final act as a stepparent to this child." - Medical_Gate_5721
"I am forever in awe of human beings that have this much audacity stored up inside of them."
"They're essentially saying, 'Listen, honey, yes, we covered up for over a year the affair your boyfriend was having, and yes, your boyfriend was trying to take you for all your money, and yes, your stepchild was also riding you for your money... Now, can you please fund her birthday party?'"
"HOW in the ever-loving f**k do people do this without even an iota of self-awareness?!" - BrownSugarBare
"Oh, that's rough. They were totally using you for money! And you're so sweet, thoughtful, and hard-working, and they don't deserve you."
"What a horrible man and family, including his daughter. She is just as horrible with playing happy family while he's cheating with his cheat partner at family gatherings. So sly."
"NTA." - KindaNewRoundHere
"Don't send money. They didn't take into consideration your feelings when they were hooking up behind your back, lying to you, laughing, and whatever else, so why should you?"
"They have to learn that s**tty actions have consequences. C'est la vie, they are not your family anymore. You owe them nothing, period. Best of luck." - CyberArwen1980
"Cut ties and block him and everyone who might be able to contact you. He must have been so jealous that you were doing so well in your career!"
"He sounds horrible, and at 17 years old, she knew what was going on. The nerve of the guy to contact you, though!!"
"Don't send any money and, please, cut all contact, including the strange sister. How would she have liked it if her boyfriend was sleeping around and the rest of the family was complicit in it?"
"Really classless people. Please cut all ties and live your best life! Also, has the daughter reached out to you and apologized? If not, the cheek."
"Just glad you didn't marry him; that's a massive bullet dodged!" - No_Commission_9079
"Tell your ex to have his girlfriend fund the party. If she wants to be with him so badly, she can pay for his daughter's, now her stepdaughter's, party." - dawnfla6aa2
Others said that if the ex-stepdaughter wanted the party, she should have been more faithful to the OP.
"NTA. While her father is clearly a sh*t human being, she was still complicit in his betrayal of you. She was happy to take your money just like she was happy to go on a camping trip with his supposed ex."
"Think of it this way, you are gifting her the valuable lesson of consequences." - Ornery_Ad_2019
"NTA. This isn't about your ex cheating as much as it's about your stepdaughter knowing and not telling you about the cheating. She was obviously aware of the affair and participated in activities with the affair partner."
"She wasn't worried about you when she was hanging out with the ex, so I don't think you need to worry about her, or a superficial birthday party, now." - keesouth
"Tell the stepdaughter. She is 18, and she knows right from wrong. She knew her father was lying and being a snake, and she had no issues cuddling up in pictures with his ex, so you don't owe her anything. If anything, they all owe you an apology."
"Tell your ex to stop begging as it's not attractive on a man his age and to get his ex to fund it."
"Then block them all." - WinterFront1431
"NTA. She wasn't on your team. Camping trip, Christmas, and who knows what else? They were using you as a cash cow."
"You may be able to forgive her somewhat because she's a teenager, and it's hard for a kid to go against their parent(s). But if she was really on your side, she could have tipped you off somehow in all that time." - Rooster_Fish-11
"The fact that this ex is not Sarah's mother changes EVERYTHING. It's one thing if they're playing happy family, what teen of divorced parents doesn't want that?? And while wrong, it's far more understandable."
"But this???????? That's entirely different. 17 is not 12, and she wasn't a kid stuck between betraying her parents or you, she literally went along with her dads cheating with a random, younger ex-girlfriend, playing happy family with him while USING YOU to fund her life."
"Nah. Not happening. Just like dear old Dad, she can face the entirety of the consequences of her actions. None of these people are your problem anymore, and you shouldn't even feel guilty about 'abandoning' them. They betrayed and used you, for f**k's sake. You didn't abandon them; you refuse to be used and that is never wrong."
"NTA." - llamadramalover
As a side note, one Redditor had a very important question.
"Lol (laughing out loud), why are all these women with this guy who can't even afford a birthday party?" - Free_Dog_6837
"Right? LOL." - Lucky_Ladee12345
"The way I hollered!" - chooseshoes
"This comment needs to be at THE TOP."
"OP, the rest of these women have made their bed. You deserve SO much more!" - rosegold_cat
The subReddit couldn't stop shaking their heads over how the OP had been treated. Since the ex-boyfriend never really left his ex-girlfriend, it was clear he only saw the OP as good for her money.
If the OP's ex couldn't value her as the whole person she was, he didn't deserve to benefit from what she could give him, including what she could do for his daughter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp