Giving an adversary a backhanded compliment is certainly tempting.
Satisfying as it may seem, however, backhanded compliments or subtle shade are always a risky endeavor.
Mainly owing to the fact that it could easily be thrown right back at you.
A colleague of Redditor Sighlinee made a somewhat unexpected remark about her hair.
A remark the original poster (OP) felt was true about this same colleague, resulting in her saying it right back to her.
However, this colleague did not take this observation in stride, as the OP did, and even felt the need to report the OP for her behavior.
Unsure if she did anything wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my coworker she also has thin hair?"
The OP explained how she and her colleague found themselves in a joint bad hair day at work:
"I (25 F[emale]) work at a very small start-up company."
"By very small, I mean there are only five employees in total, including me."
"Because of the small size, getting along with my coworkers has been easy."
"We've all grown really close since we see each other every day, and we even go out to bars together after work."
"Now, for the story."
"Late last week, I wore my hair in two braids to work."
"I wanted to try a new style and felt really cute with them!"
"When I arrived, my coworker Annie (27 F, & fake name) looked at me and said, 'Wow, I never realized how thin your hair is'."
"When she said the comment, I wasn't hurt or offended."
"I've always had thin hair, it's just how I was born."
"I replied back smiling saying 'Yeah! You too? Twins!'"
"Her reaction after I made the comment completely took me by surprise and shocked me because she immediately said, 'Go to hell'."
"I was confused because Annie also has thin hair."
"She then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the shift."
"Fast forward to today, Annie still has been completely avoiding me and seems to be trying to get the rest of the office to turn against me."
"Because we're such a small team, my coworkers have been filling me in on what she's saying about me behind my back."
"I even learned that once our boss returns from vacation, she plans to report me for workplace bullying."
"My coworkers aren't into taking sides, and I am not asking them to because this issue is between Annie and me."
"However, one of them approached me today advising me to apologize, but I am not sure if I should."
"I don't feel bad for anything I did, so that is why I turned to this forum to see if I am the a**hole."
"I have tried speaking to Annie one-on-one again to discuss the issue, but she has turned me down 5 times."
"She has told me she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me without our boss present."
"I did contact my boss (we are a small company, so he is HR/CEO/etc)."
"I told him about the situation once I found out she was going to report me for workplace bullying."
"I only sent the one text message on Microsoft Teams."
"He told us in the case of emergencies to use his personal number, but to me, this situation doesn't classify as an emergency and can be handled when he gets back."
"I know he is on vacation, and bothering him multiple times while he's away isn't something I want to do."
"I do have thin hair (idk about fine hair)."
"I have been told by a hairstylist that I have thin hair. I don't have much hair on my head, but like I said, it's something I have always had."
"My entire mom's side of the family has it too. I always found the beauty in it because it reminds me of grandma."
"I am looking for advice on whether I should apologize or if there's a better way to handle this."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her coworker she had "thin hair."
Everyone agreed that if Annie was so offended by the notion of "thin hair," then she should have said the OP had thin hair, with just about everyone agreeing that Annie had clearly made a failed attempt to insult the OP:
"Annie has thin skin to match her thin hair."
"NTA."- KNT-cepion
"Pfft, she meant the 'your hair is thin' to be an insult, so when you said it back, she took it as one."
"NTA."- heatherjasper
"NTA."
"When your boss comes back, tell them you didn't realize she meant it in a derogatory way until she got offended when you said you were the same."
"And now you're upset since you've never had a coworker try to bully you like this before, and you're upset since it was malicious."- SleepyDeluxe
"NTA and do not apologize."
'This is literally hilarious because you just told her that the comment she said to you was also true for her."
"So if she finds this comment offensive, why would she ever say it to you?"
"Wouldn't that be her who started the 'workplace bullying' she's mentioning?"
"If her statement was supposedly not meant to be rude when said to you, how come she got offended when you said it back?"
"I think if it gets brought to your boss, it's easy to ask her what exactly was offensive about it."
"And unless she's able to give you a genuine answer that explains why your statement was harmful when hers was not, I can't see a reason why you'd be the bad guy."
"In the end, grown women should know better than to comment on other people's appearances, so every piece of this is on her."- australiantreegirl
"NTA."
"She shouldn't be dishing out observations if she isn't ready to be observed."- iaposky
The OP later returned with an update, sharing how things transpired when her boss returned to the office:
"Hello everyone!"
"Thank you all for your patience."
"After work on Friday, my boyfriend took me out for the weekend."
"He knew the whole thing had been really stressing me out."
"Anyways, I am finally back home and have my laptop, so here is the update!"
"Last Friday, my boss called Annie and me into his office for a meeting."
"I came prepared with documents. It consisted of two emails showing I had tried five times to resolve things with her, a document that had our full interaction typed out (word for word), and a coworker's statement saying Annie had been avoiding me, not doing some work tasks because of me, leaving work early 3 times to avoid closing with me, and speaking negatively about me."
"At the meeting, my boss let Annie speak first."
"She claimed she tried to start a friendly conversation about hair. I then made a random rude comment about her hair thinning, which angered her."
"Annie then said her comment 'go to hell' was out of anger and didn't mean it."
"When it was my turn, I showed my boss the document that outlined me and Annie's entire conversation from that day."
"I turned to Annie and explained I meant no harm and it was a misunderstanding."
"My boss slid the document to Annie after reading it."
"As Annie read it, she got emotional and started crying."
"She explained she's very insecure about her hair due to bleach damage and wears extensions to make her hair appear fuller but hasn't worn them the past month because she can't keep them up."
"Annie then stepped out to the bathroom to fix herself."
"During her time away, I showed my boss the rest of my documents."
"When she returned, he asked why she ignored my attempts to resolve things, and she said she wasn't comfortable being alone with me."
"He then brought up the coworker's statement and showed her the document."
"Annie read it and denied most of it, explaining how she always does her work."
"She said she couldn't really remember not doing her work because she 'always does it'."
"My boss ended the meeting by saying workplace conflict like this shouldn't escalate, especially over something personal."
"He gave Annie a written warning for not completing work, speaking poorly about a coworker to others, and leaving early multiple times."
"My boss gave her the choice of leaving early and she left."
"Afterward, my boss asked me to stay so he can speak to me."
"He explained he had been considering me for a leadership role, but now has doubts because I didn't resolve the issue."
"I explained to him I tried, but he wasn't having it and told me he already knows everything about the situation."
"At the end, he clarified I wouldn't be punished and said he's being hard on me because he sees leadership potential."
"He then offered to let me leave early, and I went home."
"I called my boyfriend when I got to my car."
"After explaining how it went, he surprised me with a weekend getaway to San Diego!"
"On Friday, we were in La Jolla at the beach, and on Saturday, we went to a Savannah Bananas game at Petco Park."
"Thank you, everyone, for the support, advice, and for being here with me on my Reddit journey."
It is, indeed, surprising that Annie would feel compelled to put down the OP and not be prepared to be put down in return.
Even more surprising is that Annie didn't consider how she might not come out looking too good after meeting with their boss.
