Redditor Faded_Rainstorm is a recent graduate with a Master’s degree whose family marked the occasion with a celebratory dinner.
However, the restaurant her father chose for them made her feel like the moment was less about her.
When she created drama after addressing her concern, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) and asked:
“AITA for saying it was disrespectful to go to a seafood restaurant?”
The Origianl Poster (OP) wrote:
“Just hear me out, please. If I’m wrong I’ll take it.”
“Monday I graduated with a Master’s degree. My family came to visit from out of state and they even arranged secretly for a few other relatives to see me in person as well.”
“I rarely see them and moved 2,000 miles on purpose because while I do love/care about them, their boundary-respecting skills are terrible and I struggle to put them up because of how intrusive/emotionally absent my parents were when I was growing up. But that’s another story.”
“We had a good time at the ceremony and took pictures and all, and my dad said we had reservations so to wrap it up. My mother had asked me (like a week before I want to say) where I wanted to go, a Brazilian churrascaria or a fancier American steakhouse.”
“I picked the Brazilian because of the budget and how many people we had, trying to be mindful (11 total).”
“The restaurant we ended up at was neither, but Pappadeaux. It’s seafood. That would have been fine, except I am highly allergic.”
“There were only two things on the whole menu I could eat, steak and chicken/fries. My mom has shellfish allergies (where I got them from) but not fish allergies, so she had a wider range of choices than me and didn’t speak up about the potential for reactions not once.”
“So I worked my a** off 6 years straight and ended up being ‘celebrated’ with chicken tenders and fries while everyone else had shrimp and grits, catfish, salmon/shrimp pasta, etc.”
“I felt (and still do) feel really hurt and when I asked my dad why he booked a place he knew I could barely eat, he got mad and defensive, ‘Well you ate right,’ ‘Don’t make a big deal out of it’ and I just cried.”
“Things like this are why I don’t like them being around, they make everything about themselves. I was so relieved when they flew home.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP was not the a**hole here.
“I’m going to say it straight because I don’t feel like being elaborate and since you have been in school you can understand either way.”
“He is an selfish a**hole and you are NTA. You need to tell him- NOT being confused with having a discussion- and say that it was disrespectful and you won’t stand for even a hint of that bulksh*t ever again. Ok??”
“Ps. Congratulations to your graduation!” – Moist-Reference3092
“Narcissists ruin special events in excruciating ways, on purpose as to create trauma bonds. Every time one looks back and have feelings about these events, one will keep giving their energy to them.”
“Fight Back by recognizing them as the energy suckers they are. Proceed by blowing up every energetic/spiritual/pain & confusion bridge that is connecting you and them, as soon as one is able to walk away.”
“Once one is energy sucker free -> more will try to come and attach -> so along the way , one will become more efficient in cutting them off.”
“Most noticeable is one starts succeeding in life – every time one cuts one off.”
“So if one is struggling & not succeeding even though one is trying their utmost best -> One is being held back by a sucker -> Start evaluating who needs to be cut out of your thoughts, emotions & life.”
“NTA OP Hope you live in strength and free from useless energy draining cycles.” – FlameMoss
“You are NTA and your dad is a moron. Pappadeaux’s is highly overpriced mediocre seafood. I’m sorry you weren’t able to enjoy your graduation dinner, but I hope you know that you should be very proud of yourself!!”
“Finishing your masters at 21 is a big deal!! Many congratulations to you!!!” – KathrynTheGreat
“NTA. Your father is awful and your mother is a doormat.”
“Congratulations though! Grab some friends and celebrate yourself, somewhere where you know you’ll enjoy it.” – strandroad
“NTA because it sounds like you didn’t even object until after. Your father is the AH as they didn’t even seriously consider where you wished to go even as you were trying to be considerate (while they were not).”
“Sorry that your HUGE accomplishment wasn’t properly celebrated. (I mean, my kids would love to celebrate with chicken tenders and fries, but they also haven’t finished 6 years of primary school, let alone a masters education.)”
“It was pretty risky for you to even order from this place with how common cross contamination occurs. Hopefully you will have a good time celebrating with friends instead. But again, CONGRATS on your degree!” – hovering_vulture
“NTA, that is so disrespectful and your dad’s response is sh*t too.”
“But just for my own curiosity(it won’t effect my judgement whatsoever) did you speak up any point before or during the meal and if yes, what did they say?” – Circusmonster4
In response to the above, the OP wrote:
“I spoke up before (at least I thought I did) by voicing where I wanted to go to my mother. When I spoke to my dad about feeling disrespected yesterday, that’s when he got defensive: ‘Your mom didn’t tell me that’s where you wanted to go.’ But then couldn’t find an answer when I asked why didn’t he come ask me instead.”
“Then cue the ‘at least you got something don’t make a big deal out of it.’ Verbatim.”
“Ultimately, I wasn’t the one paying, but I still did want to be mindful of how much 11 people could eat and run up a bill. Hence why I picked the Brazilian spot.”
“I genuinely didn’t think they’d do something like this. My little sister and older cousin both were like ‘…Faded_Rainstorm? Aren’t you allergic to this???’ But the three of us couldn’t ‘overrule’ the other people who already had ordered on my dad’s tab. And it’s not the rest of my relatives’ fault I’m just saying that since they’d started eating I knew the can of worms it would have opened to leave.”
“My parents think we’re close but we’re half a country apart. It’s purposeful. When they landed and I was at my job (night audit) my dad called to ask how far airport was from it instead of Googling.”
“Then when I checked them in and sent them upstairs and said ‘ok time to do the audit now on the computer’ he calls my cell at 3 am and asks me to look for a phone case for his new phone. This is the type of sh*t that builds and then drives me to tears.”
The OP updated the post with the following:
“I’m freshly 21 years old. My parents fast tracked me through school and used it as leverage (the loans they had to take out) to be controlling until I left the state, and the only thing I knew to do was that.”
“The distance part is complete, but the trauma and lack of privacy since the age of 15 until I could actually leave to the grad program still linger. (moved at 19 after scraping every penny from my 12 hours a week college cashier job at 17 to pay for a plane ticket out here during spring break and start looking to escape. I was a literal child.) I am still struggling with this to date.”
“Thank you everyone for the outpouring of support. I have a very hard time deciphering if my feelings are ‘okay’ to have or not because I was always told my tears were fake, that my frustration was unjustified/I was being ungrateful, that he ‘didn’t give a f’k about my feelings’, etc.”
“I truly was conflicted on whether I was being overly sensitive in feeling disappointed by this and it honestly turns on the waterworks for me to see how many people also think this wasn’t cool, as opposed to just my mom and dad acting like it’s all fine and I’m the one wrong for wishing they’d stuck to the plan.”
“I have a long way to go in terms of not being afraid to do anything though, the flashbacks of what he’s already said/done are truly paralyzing so the ‘just speak up’ comments are easier said than done for me and I’m sorry.”
“I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I’m nervous to put this on them after the sudden loss of my partner Fall semester from a heart defect and my grandfather passing from COVID which already has me terribly fearful/somewhat antisocial outside of work where I have to talk.”
“If anyone has advice on if I should or get another therapist please send help, I’m really overwhelmed and I’m scared to burn them out. Thanks.”
Overall, Redditors were appalled over the father’s deliberate and self-serving restaurant choice.
And while she didn’t get the proper acknowledgment she deserved, Plenty of Redditors made up for it by congratulating her accomplishments here in the thread.