Content Warning: Mentions of Cheating, Affairs, and Paternity Tests
Relationships require work, but there are certain aspects of a relationship that should receive special attention: communication, agreements about money and intimacy, and of course, trust.
Because if the trust factor isn’t there, the relationship just isn’t going to work, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Miserable-Street-777’s wife had a previous history of infidelity, so when she became pregnant, he was immediately suspicious that the baby was not his.
When she refused to agree to a paternity test and accused him of ruining the marriage by asking for one, the Original Poster (OP) felt they had reached the point of no return.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to be with my wife during childbirth or signing the birth certificate until she proves that the baby is mine and that she and my best friend didn’t have an affair?”
The OP was at an impasse with his wife.
“My (44 Male) wife Cynthia (41 Female) and I have been married for almost 15 years.”
“I raised her older children as my own. We have two kids together.”
“But the one that she just gave birth to, but I won’t sign the birth certificate until I get a DNA test.”
His wife had a previous history of cheating.
“Back in 2014, we had a huge crisis due to her infidelity. Her affair partner was her supervisor, and I only found out when she was abruptly fired and the company filed a case against her for allegations that I won’t discuss here. Her supervisor was a co-defendant. She had to come clean about the whole thing, including having had an affair that lasted two years.”
“I completely lost all trust in her. I requested paternity tests on our kids together (they are mine), got a lawyer, and moved out. I eventually forgave her and tried to move on because the pain of breaking up our family and not seeing the kids every day was unbearable.”
“We had a very good run until now. Our relationship felt stronger. The sex was great, I felt like she was the woman that I fell in love with, and was very happy that I gave us another chance.”
“Years ago, her best friend Danna (42 Female) cut her off. They were friends since grade school, but Danna abruptly ended the friendship, changed her number, and even blocked me and our older kids everywhere.”
“Cynthia expressed sadness about it for years and often talked about Danna like a true sister.”
The OP was immediately suspicious when his wife became pregnant.
“When my wife got pregnant (with this last baby), she got very depressed about everything.”
“Danna was our go-to person in case of emergency, so I thought maybe some type of closure would help. I managed to get Danna’s contact information from a friend in common and asked if she would be willing to talk. To my surprise, she was interested.”
“The conversation wasn’t what I expected. She called me a flying monkey and said I ought to be ashamed for enabling my wife. She said she was absolutely fed up with Cynthia and that she abandoned the friendship because she got tired of feeling like a tool, always having to do favors, and being generally at my wife’s service.”
“She said she was unable to share anything because my wife only talked about herself and that my wife failed to even thank her for gifts and other things, but kept raising the bar and asking for more and more stuff from her.”
“Danna mentioned having attempted a slow fade, but my best friend, Gary (48 Gary), stepped in, and it put her off tremendously.”
“I didn’t know this. I didn’t know that Gary was sent by my wife to talk Danna out of restricting their time together when her best friend became distant and that he pressured her and tried to force her to contact Cynthia, and that this resulted in a complaint against him because his messages became menacing and he hinted at sending her Spyware.”
“I know Gary can be intense but never like this. He works in IT, so the spyware part is not entirely impossible. Danna and Gary never had any contact prior to this.”
“Danna cut everyone off out of distrust and because she did pursue a complaint against him with the authorities. She sent me evidence, the court case number, and receipts. I’m hurt because not only did he get in trouble for trying to help my wife, but he actually got into a serious situation, and it was kept a secret from me.”
The OP tried to discuss his concerns with Gary and Cynthia.
“I confronted him, and he said that he was just trying to help. I confronted my wife, and she said she was desperate because Danna had always been her main support system.”
“This did it for me. I don’t care how many times my wife says nothing else was going on, I have no way to erase the idea that they might be hiding other things.”
“The fact that Cynthia managed to get Gary to do something that he knows is illegal and that he went too far trying to please her makes me wonder about things.”
“Also, during our entire conversation, Danna insisted that Cynthia is a blackhole of a person and that she was disgusted that not only my wife had been using her for years, but would not think anything of engaging third parties to enable herself to keep extracting benefits for whoever she wants.”
“To make matters worse, I asked if she knew that my wife had cheated, and she said yes and that it played a part in her disowning her. I will not even be able to go back to talking with Danna because she made it clear that she wants nothing further.”
The OP finally approached his wife with his suspicions.
“Back in the day, I thought Gary looked off, but when I asked, he said it was about him separating from his ex and that he was bummed out.”
“I talked to Cynthia about it. I told her that I reached out to Danna and what she said. She looked horrified.”
“We went over that for days until I couldn’t take it anymore and asked if she and Gary had any time of inappropriate involvement. She reacted, angry, and seemed very offended.”
“Also, now I feel that maybe her depression over Danna wasn’t real. Maybe she wanted to use that so that I could accommodate her with whatever she wanted.”
“I requested a paternity test on the baby, and she flat-out said no.”
The OP decided he would not be involved until he knew he should be.
“She threatened to divorce me. This is why I moved out weeks before she gave birth. I refused to drive her to the hospital or be in the birthing room. All I’m asking is for confirmation that it’s my child and she isn’t acting cooperative.”
“She tried to deny Danna’s complaint to the authorities, despite me offering evidence. Gary has apologized for keeping secrets, but he’s denying ever sleeping with her.”
“I’m anxious, but sometimes, I get very numb and wonder if I’m being crazy. I understand that Danna was very right to act the way that she did, but I have no evidence of cheating or an affair between Cynthia and Gary.”
“This has affected my health, and sometimes I feel that the less I see or hear from Cynthia, the less chances to get an anxiety or panic attack.”
“Obviously, my family knows that we are separated and are showing divided opinions. Some say that I was impulsive and that I’m jumping to conclusions (they didn’t know about her cheating years ago).”
The OP had no idea what would happen in the future.
“My wife says she won’t agree to the DNA test because I’m ‘ruining our marriage.’ And Gary? Gary hasn’t been proactive at all and is being very silent.”
“I’m not meeting the new baby until she can prove my paternity. She’s having health issues related to post-birth.”
“I’m present for my kids and haven’t skipped on my duties, but told her to either have a relative come help her out or move to their place temporarily because I will not be helping her in any way until this is resolved.”
“She says that I’m being abusive and that being alone in the maternity ward was humiliating.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were sure the marriage was unofficially already over.
“Your marriage is over, dude. Get a divorce.”
“Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible, and have them file a request for a DNA test. She doesn’t have to agree if a court is involved.”
“Figure out what you want in regard to custody and support agreement. Include how decisions are made for the kids (medical, school, etc).”
“Also agree about how new partners will and at what level be involved with the kids, because even in the best co-parenting, new partners can try to control it and muck it up.”
“And yes, I know he can do a DNA kit himself. The reason I said to get the court order is because he refuses to see the child prior to proof they are his. He can’t really swab a cheek if he won’t see the child in person.” – trvllvr
“I’m thinking, DNA or not, your marriage is over.”
“The lack of trust will always be there. He has now found that his wife was even worse than he knew. She is very good at hiding things and presenting herself in a false way.” – BlazingSunflowerland
“I feel for OP, his wife’s actions have a cloud of deception, mistrust, and numerous issues over their noggins.”
“Have a court-ordered paternity test done, his wife cheated before, then she may have cheated again.”
“OP needs peace of mind. His wife’s deception ruined the marriage itself, and it had nothing to do with OP.” – lovemyfurryfam
“If there wasn’t a history of cheating, I’d give her more leeway on it.”
“Having to prove you are trustworthy defeats the purpose of having trust in a marriage. If there was no history, I’d be on her side with refusing. Having to prove yourself all the time isn’t a healthy marriage.”
“But beyond that, it doesn’t actually prove she wasn’t having an affair. OP being the father does not disprove an affair. It just proves husband and wife were ALSO having sex.” – believehype1616
Others were certain what any paternity test would say.
“NTA. SHE is the one who ruined the marriage with all her lies and her cheating.”
“OP, make sure to lawyer up, request a paternity test through the courts (as long as you’re married you’ll be named the father on the birth certificate), and handle all communications through a parenting app. Keep everything written to gather as much proof as you need.” – No_Conflusion_128
“If she had nothing to hide, the DNA test would have been done by now. She’s told OP all he needs to know. She’s blaming him for ruining their marriage even though they are separated and she won’t do what’s necessary to fix it.” – Jumpy_Willingness707
“If I had a history of cheating and my husband asked for a DNA test on my baby and I knew I didn’t currently cheat, I’d happily do it knowing he was the father. She’s a shady b***h.” – UnusualPotato1515
“NTA. Your marriage is over, regardless of whether the baby is yours or not. She is a lying, manipulative, untrustworthy person. Get divorced. Get rid of Gary, too.”
“Also, the OP needs therapy to figure out how he got in this situation and why he chose to date, marry, and stay with such a woman. He deserves better.” – Lotsa_catz
The subReddit was alarmed by the wife’s refusal to address the OP’s concerns, blaming him for ruining the marriage, and refusing to take a test. To them, she either needed to admit to infidelity or take a test.
The problem was, at this point, even if the test came back negative, the relationship was likely ruined. Between their past history and all the OP had recently learned, he’d likely never be able to look at his wife the same way, even if the baby was his.