Dating can be rough. Sometimes a person doesn't like us back, or they use us for free dinners, or they introduce us to all of their friends just to make fun of us as a group.
Sometimes, all of these offenses might happen at once, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Alternative_Rate126 thought that he and the woman he was seeing had a nice time on their first date, so he was excited for their second date.
He didn't even think twice about her inviting some of her friends out for drinks after.
But when the group of them mocked him and made fun of him, the Original Poster (OP) left early, vowing not to see the woman anymore.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to give my date a ride home after she insulted me in front of her friends?"
The OP thought that he and a woman were off to a good dating start.
"I (27 Male) went on a second date with a woman (26 Female) I met through Hinge."
"The first date was casual and fun, so I suggested grabbing dinner and drinks on a Friday night."
"She agreed and asked if it was okay to invite a couple of her friends to join us for drinks after we ate."
"I said sure. I'm all for meeting someone's circle."
Everything went downhill when the date's friends appeared.
"Dinner went well, and around 9:00 PM, we met up with her two friends at a nearby bar."
"At first, everything was fine, but after two rounds, things started to shift."
"Her friends were clearly trying to size me up, asking me a bunch of questions about my job, salary, car, and even how much I paid for my shoes."
"I laughed it off, but it got awkward fast."
"Then my date started making little jokes at my expense, like calling me 'Mr. Budget Boy' because I ordered a cheaper beer, and laughing when one of her friends asked if I still lived with roommates (I do, because rent is insane)."
"They all laughed like it was the funniest thing ever."
The OP decided the date night was over.
"At this point, I was over it. I told her I was going to head out, and she immediately asked for a ride home since she had left her car at the restaurant."
"I said, 'I think it's best if you find another ride.'"
"She looked stunned and asked why I was being rude. I told her honestly that I didn't appreciate being made fun of all night."
"She and her friends got defensive and told me I was being too sensitive and 'couldn't take a joke.'"
"I just left. Later, she texted me saying I had abandoned her and made her feel unsafe."
"I didn't respond. I don't think I did anything wrong. She had two friends with her, in a public place, and Uber exists. Still, I feel a bit bad."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he left his date in the best place that he could.
"NTA, especially since you left her in a public place with her friends."
"She was wrong for making fun of you, it's that simple. If it were reversed and it was you and two of your guy friends making fun of her, we'd be calling you the AH."
"Her playing the victim later and telling you she felt unsafe is manipulative af. You dodged a bullet. Sorry they embarrassed you." - bluesunset90
"She's an adult woman in the company of two other adult women in a public space. He didn't just abandon her at the side of the road in the dark."
"Sucks that she and her friends turned out to be a**holes. On the plus side, he found out very early."
"She wanted dinner and a night out, paid by this guy. and wasn't that concerned with how his night went. She would have strung him along for as many dinners as possible." - HoldFastO2
"This was sooo manipulative... She was with her friends... They (with all due respect) are probably a safer feeling than a new person."
"Yeah, you dodged a bullet on that totally. The fact she didn't even think about how that might make you feel means she's just like them." - tommiejo12
"Totally NTA, bub... (39 Female) Here, and that was some pretty rude/immature s**t she pulled on you. As for abandoning her?... Nope, sorry, but since she had some of her own friend circle there, that wasn't abandoning her a**."
"On another note, making fun of someone for being budget-conscious is bulls**t. No matter what the economy is like... Honestly, this was only the second date; then I'd be thankful that she is showing how she really is." - GwynethNostariel
"As I ponder this, I wonder (and we'd probably never get the answer) if the two 'friends' turned on the 'date' and started belittling and bullying her because the 'new target' up and bailed."
"These id**t girls like this need someone to belittle, and they probably insulted her and made fun of her for OP's leaving. I'm a teacher, and behavior like this goes on for years, and some adults can't let it go before turning 18."
"Some girls can't fathom that if your friends talk s**t to others, they probably talk s**t you too behind your back." - Least-Designer7976
"Nah, you're good. She wanted to play mean girls with her friends, then got shocked when you didn't stick around to be the punchline. 'Made her feel unsafe'? Please. She had backup and a phone. It sounds like she just didn't like getting called out. Next time, she'll think twice before turning a date into a roast session." - Growstreet2089
"NTA. She was mocking you and made it clear you two weren't gonna work out. You left her in the care of friends so she wasn't in danger. And you were very clear about why."
"Hopefully, she learns from this and does better in the future. You did the right thing." - Envy_The_King
Others agreed and pointed out that bullies couldn't expect special treatment.
"Her invitation to her friends on our second date would have been a huge red flag for me. I wouldn't have gone. You're still FAR from knowing her at the second date point."
"I would have taken this as she just wants me to pay for everyone's evening of drinking and has no real interest in me. A woman shouldn't want to invite others on date number two. She should be wanting to get to know you." - Grateful_Dad77
"NTA. They insulted OP, then expected a ride. That's not how it works. You're not a taxi service for people who disrespect you." - Zeira-Catch-4732
"If someone thinks it's funny to humiliate their date in front of others, they don't deserve your kindness afterward. He isn't her Uber, He was her date, and she treated him like a punchline. She can laugh her way to a ride home." - jay38774
"NTA. Either she meant every word, and it stopped being a joke when you were made to be the whipping boy for their amusement, or she's too spineless and pathetic to insist upon boundaries with her friends."
"There is no other version of this, no "context" that saves her from being damned, she just isn't a good person at a glance. Playing the victim later was just a cheap attempt at manipulation, so I wouldn't pay her any mind." - DivineTarot
"You are good, bro, and it seems like u are financially responsible under this current economic climate. You did the right thing; f**k what they have to say!!"
"When she wanted a ride home, I would've told her, 'It's not in the budget.' Sunglasses would materialize on my face, flames would shoot out of the exhaust while I did donuts out front, stereo blasting air horn noises." - DIHATER3002
"You did the right thing, for real. NTA. She made you the butt of every joke just to impress her friends, and then she tried to act like you were the problem? Nope."
"You don't owe her a ride or anything after that disrespect. She had her little crew with her, and you left calmly, which is more than what most would have done."
"Let her find someone else to mock on the way home." - Petalwhisperrrr
"If she allows anyone to make fun of her date like that, then the answer is clear, and I don't think she's a good match for you in the long run."
"Personally, I don't think I would match with that kind of personality either. The level of mockery, especially after just two dates, is just unacceptable."
"What you did was absolutely the right thing. Don't pay it any mind, just move on and let her be." - Adventurous_Hall1751
"NTA, and thank your lucky stars that she revealed her true character to you so early."
"She claims she felt unsafe with her friends?! After treating you terribly?!"
"She is bad news." - NotoriousSJV
"NTA. As a woman, you didn't abandon her. She had both her friends with her, and frankly, for her to claim you made her feel unsafe by leaving was a manipulative line in order to try and redirect her wrongdoings."
"If she contacts you again, please just say to her, 'To be honest, your behavior was inappropriate, and I didn't appreciate the catty schoolgirl behavior from you and your friends. The remarks you made towards me have hit the classic manipulation markers.'"
"'We tried, you're not the person for me, so I wish you all the best. I don't see a reason we need to keep in contact for. Take care.'" - Quiet-Hamster6509
The subReddit empathized with the OP and a dating relationship not working out.
If the woman had wanted to continue to date the OP or garner more dinners from him, she should have treated him better.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.