There are certain things that should be an immediate deal breaker in any friendship, no matter how important or long-lasting the friendship was.
Being horribly ableist is definitely one of those deal breakers, side-eyed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DeafOverHear noticed that his friendship was losing its luster ever since his friend married a woman who did not treat him very well, clearly because he was Deaf.
But when she went so far as to "forget" to serve him because he was "too quiet," and his friend didn't defend him, the Original Poster (OP) knew it was time to walk away from the friendship.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to acknowledge my best friend's wife?"
The OP was concerned by what was happening to his relationship with his best friend.
"I (24 Male) have been having issues with my best friend's (23 Male) wife (20 Female) for months now."
"From the first day we met, she judged me. First it was, because I couldn't attend their wedding. I was working remotely in a different country at the time. I apologized repeatedly and ordered them a pizza oven for a wedding gift."
"These were little remarks that my girlfriend (23 Female) could hear in the background of our phone calls. She would write down what she heard for me since I'm deaf. My phone is capable of translating audio calls into text on my screen, but it can only pick up so much, and for the most part, I rely on context clues."
"It had gotten more ridiculous when I returned to the States and finally met her. She didn't realize that I was Deaf. She started yelling (for the record, we can tell) and ignored my girlfriend who tried to explain that yelling is rude. It's much easier to read lips when you speak normally."
"Any other time when we would meet up (which I made sure wasn't often), she wouldn't look at me when speaking. She was relying on my girlfriend to translate, which my girlfriend shouldn't have to do. I'm capable of reading lips. Again, also rude to do even if I had a certified translator with me."
The OP realized the friendship was going to end because his friend did nothing to defend him against his wife's behavior.
"Last night at game night broke the straw for me. His wife offered to order dinner for all of us."
"When the driver dropped off the delivery, she didn't order anything for me. She apologized and said, 'Well, I forgot he was here since he's so quiet.'"
"I had never been embarrassed to be Deaf until that moment, which is saying a lot, because I was born Deaf."
"My girlfriend shared her dinner with me. I ignored his wife for the rest of the night, and we called it early. My girlfriend lied and told them she had an important meeting to prepare for."
"His wife (I think he asked her to) had been texting me with half-baked apologies that I have been ignoring."
"This caught the attention of my best friend, who texted me asking why I was being mean and ignoring her. He said that she was sorry for what happened and that she wasn't lying about me being quiet. He told me that I shouldn't get so butthurt over a few comments."
"I have been ignoring him, too. I don't think making fun of me or the Deaf/Hard-of-Hearing community is funny."
"Am I wrong for acting sensitive to this and ignoring them both? I don't want to throw away our friendship, but I feel like it's for the best."
"My girlfriend is supportive of removing ourselves from them or for forgiving them and moving forward."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood why the OP was upset and why he wanted to create distance.
"She said she was sorry for what happened? No, she wasn't. And even if she were, you are more important than she is. Take care of yourself first. NTA." - atmasabr
"Telling a deaf person, 'oopsie, you don't get any food because you were 'so quiet'' is one of the most obtuse, ignorant and flat out disrespectful things I've seen in quite a while. That is next-level a**holery."
"The friend downplaying it, calling OP mean for ignoring the shitty apologies of his AH wife, and calling OP butthurt warrants an instant end to this friendship in my book. Friend is as much of an AH as his terrible wife."
"I'd have told her 'oh, you didn't notice me here? I might be deaf, but apparently you're blind.'" - Fleurtheleast
"Also, if you're hosting and didn't order enough food, why wouldn't the host give the guest their food, and the host can find something else from the kitchen to eat. If it really was a mistake, the girlfriend could have easily compensated for it during the evening. Waiting to apologize until after the guest leaves is a bad look (at best)." - Cake-Tea-Life
"And if I did forget to order food for op, which I wouldn't have, because I make sure that all of my guests are acknowledged and taken care of. But if I did, I would be so embarrassed and so upset with myself. I would be apologizing profusely in that moment and offering them my dinner, and just eat leftovers or whatever I could find in my kitchen for myself. Or order more food as soon as possible."
"OP is right. His friend made his wife apologize, that's why it came a day late. And now they are mad OP is ignoring them too late, half a**ed 'I'm sorry.'"
"I don't think I could continue my friendship with them unless they both can admit that the wife was openly rude to OP and that 'forgetting' OP's dinner was not a mistake at all but just another one of her 'let's be a mean girl to the deaf guy' moments."
"And the friend apologizes for him letting his wife treat op this way, while saying nothing. The wife needs to admit she was a 'see you next Tuesday' to him and apologize, and mean it. And they both promise to do better."
"And if they continue after that, I'd be done anyway. And if they can't admit what they did, then Bye. NTA." - Frequent_Couple5498
Others were cringing, sure that the friendship was over.
"Sometimes people can't see anything wrong with their partners. If he were going to realize his girlfriend is an a**hole, he'd have done it already. NTA." - DontWannaSayMyName
"NTA. I don't think he cares. In fact, he cosigned. He even said, 'She didnt order for you because you are so quiet, and she wasn't lying,' he agreed with her stance that he's easily forgotten because he's quiet."
"For someone who's been friends with a hard-of-hearing person for years, why now, all of a sudden, is OP easy to look over because he's quiet?"
"Friend didn't overlook op before his wife. I'm sure op is just as quiet now as when they met. Nope. The friend is worse than his wife, because he's snubbing a friend for a shallow piece of a**." - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"I really don't get these posts that say, 'My best friend,' like... I would tell my best friend right to their face. Who are people saying is their best friend? Do you hang out once every few years?"
"I guess best is relative but come on. If your relationship was worth it, you'd be comfortable communicating about this. If not, then you sort of answer your own question, 'Is the slight / disrespect worth the friendship,' like no, not for you obviously." - saxguy9345
"I think ultimately OP just needs to let this one go (and end the friendship). His friend is not going to get a divorce over this, and he has to live with his wife. If he hasn't already come in with full support for OP, he's just not going to, and he's not going to take well to OP pushing it."
"Friend and friend's wife know exactly what she was doing, and neither is sorry, or at least not sorry enough to respond earnestly. Nothing for OP to gain by pushing it except drama with people who have already chosen to throw the friendship under the bus. Best thing for OP to do is block both their numbers and get on with life." - oditogre
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"A mutual friend of ours texted me asking why I was invited to the kickback over the weekend. She wanted to talk to my girlfriend about getting a tattoo from her."
"I explained that I am distancing myself from them for being disrespected. We got into a whole conversation about what happened."
"She was either checking up on me or getting the hot tea. This friend is known to gossip. She did share information on the reason for the marriage."
"She said they got married, because his wife was pregnant. She was shocked to see that his wife was heavily drinking at the party. The drunk wife babbled on about how she hated me for not going to wedding or even giving them a gift. That I really hurt my friend's feelings."
"I informed her that I gifted them a pizza oven, because I felt awful. I truly would have liked to be his best man."
"This friend told me that his wife said the pizza oven was from her ex, who wanted her back. She was bragging about having two men fighting over her like she was such a prize."
"I'm so grateful that my girlfriend and I are dropping those two like a hot potato."
Some reassured the OP that he was doing the right thing by walking away.
"Stay the f**k away from all this crazy, for f**k's sake." - Key-Atmosphere-7870
"Some situations just aren't worth the headache or the drama. Know your worth and don't waste energy on chaos that drags you down. Keep your circle tight and your peace intact." - Constant_Turnover569
"Imagine being close enough to a Deaf person to call them your best friend and want them as your best man, then just let your significant other carry on like Karen the Ableist Bank Teller..."
"I mean, I feel sorry for your (ex) best friend since he's apparently stuck with this woman for eighteen years, but wow, he needs to find a spine." - atterysquash
"Glad you're walking away from the drama. You were kind, they were messy. Better off without them." - kawaiisprinklesx
"As a married woman in her 30s: this little girl isn't mature enough to handle a real a** marriage. They are probably one of those id**ts that like the IDEA of marriage because they think people will look at them more as being 'mature adults'..."
"Anywho, good for you for standing your ground and blocking dumbass people who disturb your peace. Just for my own peace of mind, I would have told that ex-friend of yours that YOU gave them that gift, what his immature, bratty wife is telling others, and tell him good luck being married to such an immature person."
"And tell everyone the real a** reason first hand why you are going no contact with them so they can't twist it into you being jealous of them being married or even being in love with that girl." - These-Process-7331
The subreddit was furious on the OP's behalf and glad that he was walking away from this "friendship" and the woman his former friend was dating.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.