Division of labor in a household is a frequent cause of conflict in relationships. When one party feels like they do most of the work, resentment can build up until it explodes.
A father who feels like a single parent turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Middle-Candidate5497 asked:
"AITA for giving my wife a dirty plate to eat off of at dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is a nurse, and she works long hours; therefore, I handle everything in the household. She has been picking up more shifts recently because the hospital is understaffed."
"I am the one doing the chores, taking care of the kids, making food, and I also work. It's all me. She has one chore, and that is when she comes home, she needs to do the dishes."
"I work in construction 40-50 hours. She works in the hospital 36-60."
"Her schedule is highly dependent on what is happening at the hospital if she picks up more shifts or not. 36 is her normal, and she works more depending on the week and if she grabs 1-2 extra shifts."
"The kids are usually asleep by the time she gets home, so I usually make dinner for the kids and wait until she gets home to reheat the food for her. The main issue is that she has not been cleaning the dishes."
"I have talked to her multiple times, but nothing has changed. She gets home, eats, and goes right to bed. She always claims she is too tired after her shift to do the dishes, and when I suggest she does them in the morning, she claims there is not enough time before she needs to get to work."
"It is extremely frustrating to wake up and they are not done, that leads to me having to do the dishes at some point."
"We talked about this again last Saturday, and she has not done the dishes since—four days of not doing them—and I have not done them either."
"I have ran out of dishes and served dinner to the kids on paper plates tonight. She got home after the kids were asleep and I handed her a dirty plate to eat off of."
"I told her that she can use that to reheat the food. She was not happy, and we got into an argument. She called me a d*ck for handing her a dirty plate to eat off of and said that I was home, so I should have cleaned some dishes."
"I pointed out that this is her job, and I am not going it. That if she wont clean the dishes, then she can eat off a dirty plate. She is calling me a jerk."
"I told my sister of the situation, and she said I was being petty. I don't think I am."
The OP later added:
"She can't do any chores that pertain to the kids (they are asleep), and she can't do anything loud because the kids are in bed ( so no vacuuming/any deep cleaning)."
"I could stop cleaning and have her pick up the living room when she gets back, but that is more work than the dishes which she's already not doing."
"We have a dishwasher. It is not a lot—it is the plates, utensils, and pot. I usually clean as I go, a bomb doesn't go off in the kitchen when I cook."
"Everything is in the sink when she gets home except her plate. Literallly all she needs to do is take the dishes out of the sink, load the dishwasher, and run it."
"She refuses to wake up earlier to do anything, it doesn't help that she is a heavy sleeper. I actually mentioned getting a cleaner to come in once a week. Strong no from her since she doesn't want a stranger in the home, and she claims it is a waste of money."
"I am not willing to stay in the marriage if she doesn't start pulling her weight. And I'll take the kids with me. I am the main parent anyway. I do everything already."
"I might as well be a single parent; she can't do one f*cking chore."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I gave my wife a dirty dish to eat off of when she didn't clean the dishes. I could be a jerk since this was a petty thing to do, and I could have just cleaned the dishes when she was at work."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She has one chore, and you are doing everything else (including raising kids), and all she needs to do is wash the dishes. If you have a dishwasher, that is literally 10 minutes; even without a dishwasher, it is like 30 minutes."
"You might as well be a single parent; you're not even a stay-at-home parent since you also work. You work in construction. It's not like you have an easy job either." ~ Solid_Quote9133
"OP's wife has one chore, and she's acting like a spoiled brat about it. This is classic weaponized incompetence, and she was just waiting for OP to snap or do something so that she can make him look like the bad guy." ~ Sweaty-Juggernaut-10
"OP works, takes care of the home, cooks, and cares for the children. He asks for one chore to be done by his wife, and when she wants to, he should just… roll over and do it?" ~ PineappleBliss2023
"I'm a nurse, and I often work crazy hours like your wife. My husband picks up the slack on days I work, but I still absolutely contribute. If he cooks, I do the dishes, and I do my portion of cleaning on my days off. NTA." ~ Inevitable-Analyst
"NTA. I am a woman, and I think if you are working more hours at your job plus coming home and doing all the chores and taking care of the kids, and all she has to do is the dishes, she should be thankful."
"Most women in my family are nurses, and I worked in the medical field as well, so I understand the stress and exhaustion that goes into that. However, your job is exhausting as well, plus it sounds as if you are acting as a single-parent household."
"I would give anything to have a spouse that helped as much or even half of what you do." ~ Lovey-Mom-Wife-Pet
"I'm in the automotive industry, constantly work 55 to 60 every week, normal travel time is 45 mins one way,on top of my 55 to 60."
"Plus I work some Saturdays, spend 8 hours a week (over a 2-day period) with my mom so my aunt can take a break (aunt takes care of my mom after a stroke), maintain a house, yard, pool, projects, spend time with girlfriend, kid, and occasionally sleep."
"If she can't wash dishes the weeks she only works 30 to 40 hours, there's a problem." ~ LowLife_-86
"NTA. I think she is being a jerk. You two are both working stupid, crazy hours. At some point hired help is the solution." ~ K_A_irony
"Having lived with someone like your wife, absolutely NTA. She is being absolutely ridiculous." ~ Patient_Meaning_2751
"You could've given her a paper plate, but then the bigger issue wouldn't have been addressed. NTA, you shouldn't be doing EVERYTHING by yourself." ~ BakedNemo420
"I know times are tough, and maybe you need the money, but if she's so tired, she not only can't do the one chore at home that she's responsible for, but she can't spend any time with her kids or partner, maybe she needs to turn down a shift or two."
"NTA. Yeah, maybe it's a bit petty, but sometimes you have to make those kinda plays to get noticed when talking hasn't worked." ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
"I'm a nurse. I get up at 4 AM to commute to work and get home around 8:30 PM. Bedtime is 9:00, especially if I work the next day and want to get enough sleep. I personally can't imagine doing dishes at the end of a day like that. We don't have a dishwasher."
"But I have 3-4 full days off work a week! Those days, there's plenty of time to do the dishes and other chores around the house. If your wife can't bring herself to do dishes right after work, can't she do them on her days off?" ~ Songmorning
"Congrats you are a single dad with an extra child. NTA." ~ Epic-Hamster
"I work 36-40 hours a week in a very frantic and fast-paced physical therapy facility. My husband is a stay-at-home dad. He does everything. Kids, school stuff, animals, yard, laundry, cleans, cooks."
"He does it all while also being a double amputee with two prosthetic legs. But I do whatever he asks me to help with. Your wife needs to pull her weight or go live alone and pay child support." ~ Signal-Comfort7078
"You're nicer than me. I'd have stopped feeding her and doing her laundry, too. If she can't contribute, then she won't get the benefits." ~ MohawMais
While the OP still has some decisions to make, at least he knows people don't find his requests nor his response to it not being met unreasonable.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.