We all have our own concept of what will make us happy, in regards to our love lives, our work lives, and who we are as people.
Some people don't like to respect our values, however, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowRAbotandnot was being openly criticized by a woman she had just met for the married life she chooses to have.
After hearing the other woman's final words on the matter, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong to snap back at the other woman.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for throwing a woman's divorce in her face after she insulted my marriage?"
The OP lived as a traditional housewife.
"I (28 [Female]) have been married to my husband 'Harold' (29 [Male]) for the past 5 years."
"A bit of background: Harold and I have what most people would refer to as a 'traditional marriage.'"
"He's the Breadwinner and I'm the Homemaker, so all the responsibilities in the home are my job, and all the responsibilities outside the home are his job."
"Harold and I agreed to pursue this type of lifestyle, and it benefits us both equally."
Not everyone agreed with her lifestyle.
"Unfortunately, we've had our share of judgment and harsh opinions from people that simply don't understand our marriage."
"We've had a few friends and family members tell us that Harold is forcing this life on me, I'm wasting my 'best years,' etc."
"I try my best to explain to people that our marriage dynamic is consensual and it's what makes us happy."
"It also doesn't make it any easier that I'm the only woman in my friend group that doesn't work outside the home."
The OP recently hosted a girls' night at her house.
"Yesterday, I had a girls' get-together with all my friends (8 of us in total)."
"A friend of mine asked if she could invite one of her coworkers, 'Nina' (32 [Female])."
"My friend told me that Nina recently went through a messy divorce and that she could use some girl time."
"I've never met Nina, but I didn't see any problem with inviting her."
"Nina came over, she introduced herself, and everything was going smoothly."
It went well until Nina asked a common question.
"A couple of hours into the visit, Nina asked me what I do for work."
"I told her that I didn't have a conventional job and that I'm a Homemaker."
"Nina gave me a confused look, which I'm very used to at this point."
'She then asked, 'Why would you wanna be cooped up in here all day?'"
"I told her that my husband and I are happy just having a more traditional marriage."
"She rolled her eyes and said, 'Oh... right. It's what you and your husband wanted.'"
"I asked her what she meant by that."
"She said, 'No woman who was born after the '40s actually wants a traditional marriage. Their husbands just convince them to want it.'"
"I then said that her comments were a bit rude, generalizing, and belittling."
"She kept giving me judgy side glances and clearly wasn't taking me seriously."
The OP had enough of the conversation.
"The last straw was when I overheard her tell one of my friends, 'Well, at least OP doesn't have kids, especially daughters. I just can't imagine them living a life like this.'"
"I was p**sed off and said, 'You're right, Nina, this isn't a happy life to live. When I need tips on how to become a depressed divorcee at 32, I'll give you a call.'"
"Everyone heard it, the room went dead silent, Nina then started crying and left."
"A couple of my friends left and called me a b***h for stooping so low."
"A couple of my other friends stayed and said that Nina deserved it after being so rude to me first."
"I spoke to Harold about what happened, and he's on the fence about the whole thing."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said that there are people who won't let their sexist views go.
"There are still a lot of sexist views on women who stay home."
"My husband gets praised for taking care of the house, while my sister who does the exact same thing gets asked what she does all day. It's bulls**t." - Affectionate-Loon28
"My friend goes through this a lot. Her and her husband have a very even split and believe in choice over stereotypes."
"She proposed to him and seeing people's reaction to hearing the news of her engagement and then that she was the one to ask was heartbreaking and infuriating."
"The majority of people went from excited to questioning why you would even bother marrying a guy if he didn't ask, why he wasn't a 'real man' or pitying her for 'having to ask.' She put a lot of time and effort into the proposal literally over a year in planning and getting everything together."
"They've both been a stay-at-home parent while the other worked because they believe that neither of them should be in a job they hate and they adore their daughter."
"She's currently the breadwinner and people who are happy about her having her own career turn judgemental on a dime about him being a stay-at-home dad."
"Some people have ideas in their head of what feminism/gender equality looks like, but can't accept it when they see what it actually looks like in practice." - PugglePuff
"I totally agree that OP is totally 100% NTA, but I do always worry inside about women in situations like this being financially manipulated, abused, etc. or when the guy just f**ks off one day and the woman hasn't worked in years and can't get any job that pays a living wage, etc."
"All of these scenarios I've seen in my real life and it stresses me out for those women."
"My mother was one and she really drilled it into me to have a career I can always fall back on." - AlfredoQueen88
Others agreed and said Nina insulted the OP in her own home.
"I will never understand so-called 'feminists' who say that women need to be making their own choices in how they live, and when a woman chooses a more traditional role to play in life/society/marriage, this same 'feminist' decides to challenge, question, and insult their autonomy and ability to make decisions."
"It's hypocrisy at its finest."
"NTA sweetie. She insulted you in your own home and didn't stop. Yeah, gloves come off at that point." - spaceguitar
"Nina - a STRANGER - has the balls to insult someone who was kind enough to invite her into their home?"
"And your 'friends,' who were guests in your home, called YOU a b***h?"
"Time for new friends. You're NTA - they showed you who the AHs are." - hiimlauralee
"NTA. Who even has the audacity to come into someone else's home at an event they were not actually invited to and belittle the life choices of someone they've only just met."
"Misery loves company and she's clearly trying to make herself feel better by ragging on you."
"The comments about husbands could be interpreted as her bitterness towards men coming out and some kind of warped form of what she thinks feminism should be."
"But when she essentially implied that you'd make a terrible mother to daughters, that was uncalled for and inexcusable." - throwawaypekingduck
"NTA. Honestly, she's probably just bitter because her marriage just broke up and yours seems to be doing perfectly fine."
"My sister and brother-in-law have a reverse type of traditional marriage."
"He loves to be home, to cook, to clean, to do all of the traditional 'wife' work, my sis HATES doing all that."
"So he is a homemaker and sis makes all the money but she values him and everything he does and he also has a full saying everything that happens because they're in a marriage." - MacaroonHead5187
A few saw tremendous value in being a homemaker or stay-at-home mom.
"Society as a whole in this country only values you if you are making money."
"Never mind that I'm raising the future generation. That doesn't count as a job to society. Which is kinda dumb."
"I get s**t on all the time for being a homemaker. But it's what I wanted to do... make a happy home... because I didn't have that growing up. And I don't have to justify it to anyone."
"I do still feel... idk (I don't know), ashamed? For not pursuing a career, but in the long run, I'd have quit when I had kids anyway." - reading_internets
"It's crazy to me that so many people are judgmental about this kind of thing."
"When I was growing up, my mom was a SAHM (stay-at-home mom), and it was great."
"She helped support my dad working, which was desperately needed as he worked an incredibly demanding and exhausting job. She also cleaned, cooked, did the bills, and looked after me."
"I got to grow up with a lot of parental support because she was available."
"My best friend growing up, however, had a dad who worked all hours running an insurance company and a mom who was an obstetrics unit nurse who worked 7-on 7-off."
"But a lot of her off time was spent going off and doing projects and other things, so she was also hardly ever around."
"End result, my best friend is a SAHM now. She admired my family situation so much growing up compared to hers and found trying to fit in a normal working environment was horrific for her mental health."
"She's far happier as a SAHM, she's got two well-adjusted kids, and has a beautiful, clean, and more importantly serene-feeling home."
"Why anyone would want to s**t on that, I seriously don't know. Capitalism and consumerism sucks. I'd sit it out too if I could!" - Mewssbites
Despite the OP's harsh words to Nina, the subReddit supported her reaction to the other woman's uncalled-for critiques. Not only was she a guest in the OP's house, but her feedback was, both, unsolicited and hurtful, not to mention her comments about parenting.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.