Caring for elderly parents can be a daunting task.
And the price tag for elder care can bankrupt a family.
So what are families to do?
There doesn't seem to be an easy answer.
And that's why a lot of families can fall apart.
Redditor No_Ability_3658 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to take in my in-laws?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (37 F[emale]) have been married to my husband (38) for 10 years."
"We have 2 children."
"He has 2 brothers, Henry (40) (who is married with 2 children), and Frank (43) (who is also married with 2 children)."
"Their parents now need to move in with one of their sons because they can no longer live alone."
"One of his brothers called for a family meeting with all the siblings and their wives."
"Henry and Frank suggested their parents should live with my husband and me since I have the most experience, we own the biggest house with an I[n]-L[aw] apartment (that we use when we have guests visiting), and their wives both work."
"I'm the only one with a background in nursing, but I'm now mostly a S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om]."
"I keep my license current and work one weekend a month, just in case I decide to go back to work full-time once our children are older."
"I said no because my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and I don't have a good relationship."
"She's never been kind to me, and we only see her twice a year because I don't want our children seeing her do that."
"I suggested a nursing home or assisted living."
"His brothers said they did look into that option, but neither is an option due to cost."
"I let them know we will not be having their parents living with us, and one of them will have to accommodate them at their home."
"They said they would not be able to survive financially having their wives stay home."
"I apologized and told them if they had any questions while caring for them, I'd be available over the phone, but told them I would not do it."
"My husband agrees with me, but does think it was a little harsh."
"His brothers aren't speaking to us right now because they said I'm an AH who's going to put them in a bad spot."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, these men want you to be a full-time, unpaid caregiver to THEIR parents?"
"Using your very valuable education and credentials?"
"And they assume they're entitled to hundreds of thousands of dollars of free labor from you because… why?"
"You f**ked their brother?"
"That kind of exploitation is ridiculous, and they deserved that verbal slap." ~ WinstonWilmerBee
"EXACTLY! OP's husband is the only one who seems not to see his wife as a free labor source, but then he ruined it by calling her harsh for standing her ground and not being pushed into caring for THEIR parents."
"Some sexist BS is going on in this family." ~ Extension-Clock608
"This - a million times over."
"This is 100% not your problem to fix."
"It's the three siblings' problem."
"It sounds harsh, but you owe them neither your time nor your talents."
"Your first loyalty is to your own family - husband and children."
"The fact that you don't get along with your MIL is just icing on the proverbial cake."
"I suggested a nursing home or assisted living."
"His brothers said they did look into that option, but neither is an option due to cost."
"They don't want this option because it will eat away at their anticipated inheritance, if I had to guess."
"If she truly doesn't have any assets, then filing for Medicaid is likely an option in her situation."
"I'm sure they also have no idea how hard it is to be a caregiver in the long term."
"The parents may need relatively minimal care right now, but what about a year from now, five years from now, 10 years from now?"
"Stand firm, OP."
"There is a solution here, but YOU are not it." ~ LovelyLilac73
"Yep. My mom did this for my dad's less-than-wonderful parents."
"His siblings had no gratitude whatsoever."
"They could always all afford nice houses, cars, regular vacations, etc."
"My parents paid for his parents' needs and gave care while raising kids."
"We could not afford any kind of vacation."
"It lasted 20+ years. We were so poor because of this, and my grandparents were lowkey racist a**holes."
"Meanwhile, my aunts and uncles had vacation homes and would go on joint vacations."
"They made fun of our penny-pinching ways that were required for us to survive. 🤬"
"NTA OP! NTA!" ~ Icy-Plan5621
"NTA and I love your nice shiny spine 💗."
"You DO have a job."
"You are the stay-at-home parent, just because your job is in the home and unpaid doesn't mean it's not a job."
"Why are all three brothers assuming it's the women who will be giving up their jobs and taking care of their parents?"
"The parents are the responsibility of the three sons."
"If the parents move into anyone's home, it should be the son giving up their paid job and doing the unpaid stay-at-home parent-caring job."
"If any of those selfish, lazy men were faced with being the full-time carer, they would change their tune very quickly, I'm certain."
"Your husband needs to be more supportive and not give you criticisms of being 'harsh.'"
"Tell him it'll be him doing the caring if they ever move in with you, and you'll go back to full-time nursing."
"See how he feels about that idea."
"Especially once you divorce him and live elsewhere to get away from his awful mother, and he is left alone with them."
"Bad, lazy, selfish men expecting women to solve their parenting problem." ~ pixie-ann
"NTA. They are blind to the fact that she already works, taking care of two children."
"They have made it clear that they don't see raising functioning members of society as worth as much as whatever it is they do." ~ Roadglidegirl
"NTA for not taking them in, but your husband should have been the one doing the talking here." ~ WelfordNelferd
"NTA. Assisted living isn't cheap, but the brothers contributing (equally) should total a decent amount."
"Add in the parents' Social Security/retirement/pension (plus anything from selling their current place), and it should provide enough to have a roof over their heads."
"It may not be fancy, but it'll do." ~ Kerr1982
"NTA. They decided beforehand that they would pressure you and your husband to take your in-laws into your home."
"They thought it was a done deal and don't care that your MIL has never been polite to you."
"Stand your ground."
"They can go into housing for low-income seniors if they can't afford assisted living, or they can spend down their assets and go into a Medicaid nursing home."
"It's karma." ~ CoDaDeyLove
"So a brother called a family meeting not to discuss the parents and options, but to railroad you and your husband into having them live with you."
"Love how they worked it out."
"Since you are at the moment a stay-at-home parent and a nurse, you, because it will fall to you to do the bulk of the care and mental load, need to do this."
"You needed to be direct, as they would have tried to give excuses and reasons; it could work and needs to happen."
"I bet they weren't offering how they would help out if you took them in, not that it matters."
"Financial help?"
"A paid housekeeper?"
"Weekends at their homes?"
"Nope, you were going to be there for free care and probably stuck hosting everything since parents are there, and it will be easier to come over and see them there."
"Why would one of the wives need to quit their jobs?"
"Do the parents have zero resources?"
"Long-term care insurance?"
"Are they parents in such bad shape that they can't be home alone at all while they're at work?"
"Good for you being direct, and if they took it as harsh, so be it. NTA." ~ travelkmac
"NTA. You and your MIL don't have a relationship."
"That's where it begins and ends."
"Bold of them to assume you'd take on the responsibility." ~ emaandee96
OP returned to answer some questions...
"I saw a few people ask about selling their home, assets, and inheritance."
"They do not own a home, there are no assets, and no inheritance."
"There is very little money, and it is being used for necessities."
"It's an unfortunate situation."
"Update..."
"We all had dinner tonight to discuss the situation further."
"We reviewed the cost of the assisted living facilities and the nursing homes in our area."
"The brothers decided they could not afford even splitting the costs for either option."
"They did ask again if we'd consider using the in-law apartment, but my husband told them that would not be happening."
"After some back and forth, one of my sister-in-laws is going to quit her job after the New Year."
"My brother-in-law not working was not an option for them due to the salary difference."
"Their children will share a bedroom to make room."
"There will be a home health aid for 3 hours, 2 times a week."
"My brother-in-law will contribute when he's home from work."
"My other sister in law and brother-in-law will go to their house two weekends a month to help and give them a break."
"My husband said he will help with the increase in bills from their parents staying with them, but that we couldn't contribute more than that."
"My brother-in-law did ask me to come by once a month to check on my in-laws and do assessments, but I declined."
"I said if they have any questions, they can call me, but I wouldn't be comfortable being more involved."
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are under no obligation to go out of your way for someone who has shown you only disrespect.
You offered all you could handle.
That's more than enough.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp