While it's usually best for parents to remain on good terms, even if they aren't, or never were, married, sometimes it's not possible and not in the best interests of any shared children.
A father not on good terms with his son's mother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Simple_Check9791 asked:
"AITAH for not letting my ex move in with me when she is trying to leave her controlling husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have a 16-year-old son with my ex (girlfriend from high school). We were never married, but I have been involved with my son throughout his life."
"About seven years ago, my ex got married. My ex's husband is a jerk. He and my son never got along."
"He has two kids from a previous relationship, and my ex and he have two kids together. My ex is a SAHM. Four years ago, after battling for years, the court awarded me full custody."
"Despite living only about an hour from my ex, my son has heard very little from her during the last four years. The last year, we have not heard from her at all."
"About two weeks ago, I got a call from my ex, and she was crying. She told me that she was ready to leave her husband. I asked why she has decided to leave him."
"She told me because she discovered that he is cheating, she confronted him and told him he needs to stop, but he laughed at her and told her he will not stop. He told her she is free to leave, but she will leave with little because of their prenup."
"She wants to stay at my house (I have a rather large home) with her two younger kids until she can figure things out, get a lawyer, and get her own place."
"I do not want her to stay. I talked to my son about it, and he does not want her here. I called her back and told her 'no'."
"My ex called my sister, who called me. My sister chastised me for not letting her stay. She said she can stay in the garage and not bother us. We have a garage apartment with two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a kitchen."
"I told my sister I did not want her here, and my son does not want her here. My son feels some type of way about his mom, and our home is a source of peace and comfort for him. I will not do anything that could even potentially interrupt his peace."
"I told my sister she is free to invite my ex to live with her. My sister said that it is impractical—my sister lives a couple of states away."
"I am not letting my ex move in. My sister suggested I could give her money for her own place because I can afford it."
"I told my sister she is free to give her money. But, I am not giving my hard-earned money to a person who owes me more than $10,000 in unpaid child support."
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"I did not put the decision on my son. I simply asked, 'Your mom asked to move in with [name of siblings]. How would you feel about them living here'."
"He said he did not want them here. I thanked him and told him I will let him know what happens. I told him later in the day that she is not moving in."
"I never told him it was his decision solely. I simply asked his perspective. My son has a right to know about the situation."
"My lawyer says the law obligates both parents to financially support a child. So if you are choosing not to work, the court will look at your experience and education, calculate what you could reasonably earn, and calculate a child support payment based on that."
"My ex was an accountant before she got married."
"When I got full custody, the court calculated what she likely would earn if she went back full-time to being an accountant and calculated child support based on that amount."
"I don't need it, but I am entitled to it as parents are required by law to support their children."
"I was in high school when my son was born. We were no longer together by the time he was born."
"Her mom is terrible and we have not been around her since our son was very little. Her brother and sister are addicts (so not much help). I really do not know what friends she has these days."
"I do not presume I was her first call, but it sounded to me like she wants to get away because of the cheating. But, unless she is in imminent physical danger, or my son wants her to stay, I am not letting her stay."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong for putting his son before his ex-wife.
"I think you said all the right things. Your sister can offer housing and money if she likes."
"You are not obligated. Especially if she neglected your son and chose her new husband over him." ~ Status_Side_3338
"In instances like these, I always have to assume the person standing up for them is doing so out of self-preservation."
"They know if someone else doesn't step in, they're next on the list, and they'll have to deal with it. So they'd rather inconvenience or traumatize someone else so they don't have to." ~ Neveronlyadream
"Letting them stay likely creates a legal tenancy. That's in most of the US, and definitely the majority by population. That's even w/no lease and no rent paid."
"Kicking them out without whatever eviction process is required by local legislation is a crime, and one that many DAs will take seriously."
"Some localities may have reduced tenant rights (a so-called lodger or boarder), but for example, here in California, once you have more than 1 (i.e., OP + kids), then they have full tenant rights. Separately, there are lots of free organizations (tenant resource centers) that will help people fight an eviction."
"In many places, a tenant can make this take half a year. And it's only a lodger/boarder if it's in the main residence; in the garage apartment, that's a full legal tenancy."
"If OP is foolish enough to get involved, he needs to see a local landlord attorney (landlord attorney only) to see just how sideways this can go in his local jurisdiction. And make an informed choice."
"Oh, and by the way, that eviction process? Many judges will look for reasons, minor process deficiencies, to keep people housed. In your house, naturally, not the judge's."
"Making yourself a landlord will, in a manner surprising to many people, lead to you being treated much more like a commercial landlord with a ton of doors than a beleaguered family member being guilted into housing the incompetent." ~ xasdfxx
"Once they stay, tenancy is not the only issue; most places obviously demand a proper residence, so you can have custody, so as soon as she moves in, it's gonna be ' OP's fault' if they evict them later and the kids are sent back to their father."
"Considering she fought for years in court, but went over a year without seeing or talking to her oldest when she could no longer get something through him ($$), it's clear she sees the kids as a means to get child support." ~ GlitterDoomsday
"Not just the tenancy thing needs to be considered. She could also make it an emotional mess. The good old 'we could try again' card. Because she's already in the house, we're like a little family, the kids like you, etc..."
"Or make it a mess by disrupting the 16-year-old's life by saying, 'these are your siblings. You should...' or in general try and insert herself in the kid's life. When the child clearly does not want it." ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"I've been the child of the parent who constantly lets her deadbeat spouse come back, and yes, it does ruin their peace and can cause them to have resentment issues towards both parents when they are already healing from the parent who is inconsistent in their life." ~ haleybieber
"NTA, not your wife, not your problem. She can't ignore her son for years and expect to intrude into his peace and safety."
"She has to figure out something else—it's sad, and I feel for her kids. But she can't expect to live with you and your son like nothing happened." ~ Stunning_Response_74
"Her own son does not want her to live with them. She really hurt him after neglecting him for so long. If she wants to mend their relationship, she should do it, not when she's desperate to find a place to stay. So he won't doubt her sincerity. NTA." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA, she essentially abandoned your son for her husband. Sucks for her, but it isn't your problem." ~ Mandiezie1
OP is putting his son before his ex-girlfriend from high school.
Why his sister thinks he should do anything else is a mystery.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.