We should all be able to agree that a relationship should not be based on appearances or money alone, and yet, there are people out there who are ready to throw out a relationship the second it doesn't appear as flashy as they wish.
It's clear that some people place transactional price tags on all of their relationships and are ready to walk as soon as they don't deliver, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
After organizing his girlfriend's birthday dinner, Redditor Western-Echidna-5626 was shocked when his girlfriend also volunteered for him to pay for everyone's expensive meal.
When she threatened to leave him over not paying for everyone's plates, the Original Poster (OP) realized the price tag she had placed on their relationship.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for dumping my girlfriend after she expected me to pay for EVERYONE on her birthday?"
The OP recently planned an expensive birthday dinner celebration for his girlfriend.
"I (24 Male) and my girlfriend (24 Female) have been dating for four years."
"On my girlfriend's 24th birthday two weeks ago, I booked a table at a pretty nice restaurant for me, her, and four of her friends."
"I want to clarify beforehand that I earn quite a bit more than my girlfriend. I cover all the rent and utilities for our apartment, while she covers household expenses like groceries."
"While at the restaurant, I noticed how she and all her friends ordered some of the most expensive items on the menu. At the time, I thought I would only be covering my girlfriend's and my bill, so I wasn't really concerned."
But then the OP's girlfriend tried to volunteer his wallet.
"When the bill arrived and the waiter asked if I would like to split the bill, I said yes. I told the waiter that what my girlfriend and I ordered would be on me, and the rest should be decided between her friends."
"The bill totaled around 1100 Euros. I remember the smiles being wiped off their faces as soon as I said that."
"I ended up paying for my girlfriend's and my food, while her friends paid for theirs."
The OP's girlfriend's behavior changed after the dinner was over.
"I remember the car ride home being awfully silent. I kept asking my girlfriend if something was wrong, but she kept insisting that she was just tired. And no, she clearly wasn't 'just tired.'"
"My girlfriend ended up giving me the silent treatment for the next week. I kept asking her if something was wrong, but she would always refuse to say what the issue was."
"The thought of me not paying being the culprit kept creeping into my mind, but I would always reassure myself by telling myself that my girlfriend wouldn't be dumb enough to expect me to pay for everyone's food."
Then the truth came out.
"I just lost it last Monday and demanded an answer from her."
"She ended up telling me that I embarrassed her in front of her friends by not paying for everyone."
"I asked her why it was my responsibility to pay."
"She told me that since I organized everything and since I was 'THE MAN,' I was obliged to pay for everyone."
"We ended up getting into a heated argument, and I ended up staying at my parents' house for the next couple of days to gather my thoughts."
The OP's girlfriend gave him an ultimatum.
"I came home last Friday, and her attitude towards me didn't change one bit."
"When I confronted her again, she told me to transfer the money her friends paid for the food, and only then would she talk to me."
"We got into another heated argument, and I broke up with her then and there, telling her to pack her things."
"While leaving, she called me a 'broke boy' and wished me good luck finding another girlfriend with my 'brokey mentality.'"
"I almost immediately regretted dumping her on the spot for something that, in the grand scheme of things, is really small."
"She sent me an apology yesterday for calling me those names, but she insisted on me paying back her friends if I wanted to make our relationship work."
The OP was deeply conflicted.
"I have been a mess since. I don't want to throw away four years with someone I considered to be the future mother of my kids."
"I could have given her friends a heads-up that I wouldn't be covering for them, and I know that's completely my fault. But her behavior over the past two weeks has also been quite concerning to me."
"But again, I love her too much for this situation to be the end of our relationship. I just want to swallow my pride and send her friends the money and forget about everything."
"Am I the a**hole here? Did I overreact? Should I apologize and send her friends the money?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some wanted the OP to understand that his ex valued money more than their relationship.
"The OP said, 'She sent me an apology yesterday for calling me those names, but she insisted on me paying back her friends if I wanted to make our relationship work.'"
"OP, she literally values a few hundred dollars to each of her friends, over your relationship. She is so concerned and upset that you broke up with her, that this is still the top of the list of demands to make the relationship work."
"Let this sink in, dude..." - Fun_Release_8657
"'For our relationship to work, I need to know that you are a gold mine that can be exploited. I need to get my dig on.' - the ex-girlfriend probably." - ChipChippersOnFire
"I wouldn't be surprised if she dumps him herself after he transfers money to her friends. She is clearly making it clear that she does not value this relationship." - zagoray
"She was probably bragging to her friends that you make good money and wanted to show off by having you pay. You didn't and she looked like a chump in front of her friends. Hence the 'broke boy' accusations as she left."
"I guess if you like manipulation in a relationship you can reconcile with her but I hope you have more self-respect than doing that." - MonkeyNihilist
"She put something in her friend's heads before the get-together. Her fantasy didn't align with reality and she got embarrassed. She's a child and she's too easily influenced. Get out now and leave this money grubber for the streets." - P0stManMal0ne
"If she was actually worried about her friends, she'd be giving them money out of her own pocket."
"It's actually insane that's she's so embarrassed but won't make things right on her end. Obviously, her money is hers and his is hers." - FlaxFox
"That was not an apology, it was a counteroffer. You're trying to have a healthy adult relationship based on love and affection, and she's reading 'Art of The Deal' to get tips on her next move."
"NTA, and after a little while, I think you'll realize just how big of a bullet you just dodged, OP." - Rogueshoten
Others agreed and said it wasn't up to the OP to manage everyone's expenses.
"It was that expensive because your user ex bragged to all her friends about how much she has you wrapped around her finger and how you'd be paying for everyone in her honor."
"Then, her equally entitled friends took that as a cue to be wasteful and excessive because they are as greedy and materialistic as her."
"This is not your fault, OP." - Sebscreen
"It's not your fault it got that expensive, it's theirs. I even taught my children that if someone offers to buy their food, to never pick the most expensive item. They're rude as s**t for doing that."
"I guarantee if they knew they were paying for themselves, they wouldn't have ordered what they did." - thequeenbee3
"What the f**k do you mean, you never meant for it to get expensive? Of course you didn't! You didn't expect anything at all. I mean if anything she should've paid for all your s**t, not you. How entitled your ex must be." - SolBoi24
"He should absolutely not have paid for them."
"While I do think the smart thing to do would have been to state that in the beginning (and that's just my anxiety talking because I'd be thinking way ahead and I'd want to avoid this situation) in no way shape or form should he have felt obligated to pay."
"Not even to mention the fact that it was sh*tty of them or order more expensive than they were comfortable paying because they thought someone else was paying." - granth1993
"I get invited out to birthday dinners/parties all the time. Once even to a fancy place I couldn't really afford. I ordered what I could afford and enjoyed myself. Not once have I ever expected someone to pay my bill! Ever!"
"Being invited out, is not an invite to indulge in the most expensive items on the menu and expect the host to pay! That's totally on the ex and her friends." - pinksmurf8
"It's my Step-Mum's birthday today, and we (my Dad, Step-Mum, Step-Sister, and BIL) went out for lunch. Knowing my Dad would probably pick up the tab (he did), I made sure not to order the most expensive thing and only ordered a starter because everyone else did, and he encouraged us to."
"Otherwise, the five of us would have paid for our own meals and split the cost of my Step-Mum's dinner as well as the tip between us. That, to me, is the norm. Not running up a bill that's as much as some people's rent because you have the audacity to expect someone you're not even dating to cover you." - Wren-0582
"DO NOT under any circumstances apologize OR give her friends money. You were under no obligation to pay for HER friends. Who assumes that just because you organized a dinner that that also means you automatically pay?"
"Maybe this is a cultural difference, I don't know, but I've organized and also been invited to plenty of parties thrown for or on behalf of a friend, and unless otherwise told 'this event will be covered,' I ALWAYS pay for myself and assume I will do so when I order."
"What your ex and her friends are is entitled. If you 'swallow your pride,' this will be the first in a very long line of things you will now be expected to foot the bill for, likely always with threats of the relationship ending if you don't."
"NTA." - litt3llion
Not only did the subReddit think that the OP wasn't in the wrong, but they insisted that he leave the relationship exactly where it already was: behind.
He didn't need to apologize further or cover anyone's expenses.
The last thing a person should do is spend money they expect someone else to cover, especially when they only heard a rumor about the bill being covered rather than hearing it directly from the person in the form of a genuine offer.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.