When it comes to pregnancy prevention, the responsibility is usually placed on the person who can get pregnant. There are a lot of options, however, for both parties.
But should one person coerce the other to get a surgical procedure because they dislike their own options?
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Famous_Situation3400 asked:
"AITAH for breaking off my engagement because my boyfriend would not get a vasectomy?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (now ex-fiance I guess) of less than a year and I have 8 kids between us (he has more than I do). There is also a significant age gap, and he is in his mid-50s."
"We are very intimately active. When I'm ovulating, we use a condom. But he hates condoms and always complains about it. But I'm still very fertile and I don't want to risk it."
"I don't like birth control because it makes me crazy. I've tried an IUD before, but I wasn't able to tolerate it, and that's why I'm not on birth control. Sometimes we try the gel or the female condom, but I don't fully trust those things."
"We had a very long conversation about it last weekend, and I told him that I want him to get a vasectomy because I don't want any accidents happening. He said he didn't want to do that, and that I should go on birth control."
"I explained to him for the hundredth time why I can't go on birth control and he told me I should have a hysterectomy or get my tubes tied if I didn't want any more kids. I think that's way worse than a vasectomy."
"I showed him the fact sheet of why a vasectomy is very safe, but he said he feels like it would prevent him from having more children if he wanted to in the future."
"I told him that if he was willing to put my hormones and my body through hell, that he really didn't care about me and that he was being selfish."
"Besides that, he still owes back child support in addition to his current child support and his wages are garnished every month. So because of that I'm bringing in more than he does."
"But on our combined salaries (after his child support is deducted), we could not afford an accident baby until his youngest turned 21, which is a few years away."
"I was so mad that I took the ring off and gave it back to him. That was a week ago. He hasn't tried to contact me at all for a week already, and we usually talk or text every single day."
"So AITAH for asking him to get a vasectomy because I don't want to go on birth control or get a hysterectomy?"
The OP later added:
"For those of you who are calling me TAH, and live in the USA, and pay taxes, with our current combined income, we make just above the income threshold for Medicaid and food stamps. If we had an oops baby, it would make us eligible for Medicaid and food stamps."
"If I took hormonal birth control and it made me go nuts (which is what happens when I took birth control in the past), I would lose my job, and then I would definitely qualify for Medicaid and food stamps."
"If I get a hysterectomy or a tubal ligation, which is a very high-risk surgery with complications, and I can't work, then I would definitely qualify for Medicaid and food stamps."
"How would you feel about your tax dollars being used to support my family because a man who has many children, and is in his mid-50s, doesn't like to use condoms, and doesn't want to get a simple safe procedure?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors' judgments were all over the place.
"So how long is he planning on staying with you if he's planning on having more kids one day and you're not?" ~ Top-Industry-7051
"He is behind on his child support, but he may want more children??? This guy is a walking red carpet—much bigger than a flag. Get as far from him as fast as you can."
"Please don't have sex with him. You don't want to let him give you another child he won't support." ~ Intelcourier
"Why would you want to marry anyone with that many children he clearly can't care for?" ~ Consistent_Ice7857
"Oh, come on. You guys have a significant age gap, you're almost wife #3, he's way behind on child support, and at his old age he thinks he wants more kids. You're marrying a huge loser, and I don't know how many red flags you need before you realize that." ~ Substantial_Rub_209
"He's an a**hole, and you're an idiot." ~ lawdot74
"I still don't understand why people have more than two kids. Five? What. There's EIGHT between them? Holy f*ck. Someone needs to stop having sex." ~ No-Communication9458
"Not even together a year, you don't want kids, and he may still want more. He has two ex-wives and is in arrears on child support."
"Why were you with him in the first place? Also, if you don't want kids, and don't want to take that into your own hands, use birth control every damn time." ~ AKlife420
"ESH. Mostly him."
"Why would you be with someone who doesn't pay child support? Dating a sh*tty parent makes you sh*tty too."
"His body is his choice. Pressuring someone to have a procedure is not okay."
"But he's an AH for complaining about condoms and pressing you to get on birth control."
"Just…ESH. Seriously." ~ Western-Breadfruit71
"YTA for staying with a man who owes back child support. You can't fix stupid. You really shouldn't get back together with this dude. In his 50s and acts like this? My God, some people never grow up." ~ bellasmomma04
"I mean, birth control options aside, this guy sounds like he's irresponsible and unwilling to compromise. I'm not sure why you'd want to marry him to begin with. He has a bunch of kids he doesn't pay for? Yikes." ~ Stellar_Jay8
"Your man is a complete loser. It's obvious."
"Why are you trying to keep him?" ~ magslou79
"ESH. If you don't want kids, and he wants more kids, you obviously shouldn't be attempting to drag yourselves and your eight children through an obviously doomed relationship. Even if he definitely should not have more kids."
"Next time you need to discuss your expectations from the jump so you're not trying to push someone into an unwanted medical procedure (at the very least). You're not compatible in this very serious aspect." ~ Severe-News-9375
"Sounds like y'all never discussed whether more children were desired by each of you. There's a big mismatch in what y'all both want, so I say let him go."
"The fact that he hasn't even tried to contact you in a week after you took the ring off shows how little respect he has for you and how little he cares. He clearly doesn't care about your body or health."
"He honestly sounds like a lowlife from this post. I say walk away." ~ Green-Magician-5414
"If he can't pay for the children he already has, he shouldn't be having any more. Is a 50-year-old who is behind in child support really the best you can do?" ~ TechDreamcoat
"Forgive me if I've read this wrong, but are you saying that you only use protection when you're ovulating? Because ANY unprotected sex at ANY time can get you pregnant."
"I know that reproductive education can be different in the US, but in the UK we get taught pre-puberty that there's always a chance you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle. It may be less likely at certain points, but it's not impossible."
"If you really feel that strongly about not having anymore kids, you really shouldn't be having unprotected sex." ~ Nellieanora
"ESH. You don't have the right to pressure someone else into a medical procedure anymore than he would have the right to pressure you."
"But. Why would you have sex unprotected with a man who already doesn't take care of the kids he's brought into this world?"
"Quit doing that, or you may have a kid that doesn't get child support. Consider a few forms of protection if you're not getting your tubes tied." ~ Reddit
"Dump him AND get your tubes tied, sheesh. YTA to yourself for putting up with BS and not taking care of your own business." ~ angelacandystore
"He's mid 50s. He doesn't need to be spitting out more kids."
"If he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, then yeah, don't risk yourself."
"ESH. Vasectomy is soooo much safer and easier than a hysterectomy. You suck because you're willingly dating someone who doesn't care about his kids."
"I saw the bit about him owing back child support. What the f*ck attracted you to someone who refuses to take responsibility for his kids, and then you sleep with him?" ~ Gildian
Being with someone whose future goals are incompatible with your own isn't a recipe for relationship success.
Neither is trying to force them to meet your needs when they don't want the same things.
