How open does one have to be in a relationship?
That is a question everyone needs to face when making a life commitment.
And one of the things it’s best to be most transparent about… is money.
Case in point…
Redditor WackoDollah3 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for opening my fiancée’s mail and calling her a liar?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (28 M[ale]) and my fiancée (31 F[emale]) have been together for about 4 years, and we have been engaged for about 6 months.”
“We met at a restaurant where we were both bartenders, and during this time, I was also working towards a graduate degree.”
“My fiancée continues to work in the service industry, and I have taken on a new role since graduating and do fairly well.”
“I have always had an idea about how much money my fiancée makes since we had the same job.”
“However, my fiancée also sends money to her family, and I never knew the specifics (e.g. how much money was being sent and for what).”
“I have lent her money in the past when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, and she always paid me back quickly.”
“I emphasize to her that if she ever needs any help financially to please ask me first.”
“Because she has asked me in the past, and paid me back when she said she would, I had no reason to believe she was in any financial trouble.”
“Now that we are planning a wedding and going to be spending the rest of our lives together, I am more curious about her financial situation.”
“I ask her things like how much money she has saved, if she has any debt, etc.”
“She hates having this conversation and really tries to avoid it.”
“Eventually I get a rough ballpark estimate from her, but she will never show me proof if I ask for it.”
“She is so uncomfortable with the conversation, and it always ends with me still not being sure how financially secure she is.”
“Fast forward to today.”
“I open our mailbox and see a letter from her bank that is addressed to her.”
“I decide to open the letter, and the letter states that her recent credit request has been denied due to current or past delinquency on one or more of her accounts.”
“I text her and ask her if she she applied for a credit increase and got denied and she said no.”
“I then respond with a screenshot of the letter, and she gets really upset.”
“She is accusing me of being disrespectful towards her for assuming she was in financial trouble when she has come to me for money in the past, and she said I never should have opened her mail since she never opens mine.”
“She says she isn’t in debt and everything is fine and that she didn’t request anything from the bank.”
“I asked her to send me a screenshot of her credit card statement to prove she wasn’t in debt, and she refused saying ‘I was already all up in her stuff.'”
“The conversation ended with me pretty much calling her a liar since the letter she got in the mail clearly states otherwise.”
“I know the letter was addressed to her, but since we are getting married, her financial situation affects me now too.”
“I feel bad for hurting her feelings, but I believe this is information I need to know, and I feel like she is deliberately hiding something from me.”
“AITA for opening my fiancée’s mail and calling her a liar when she refuses to show me proof of her financial situation?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“OP, I think you should go to a lawyer and iron out a prenup.”
“If she doesn’t want to be honest with you about her money and debt, than any of her debt before marriage should be hers to handle.”
It kind of sounds like she owes a lot of money and is just hoping you’ll make it go away when you get married.
OR you can just not marry someone when you two obviously don’t trust each other…” ~ crystallz2000
“Completely agree! YTA for opening her mail, it’s a felony in most places.”
“I do believe that prior to marriage there should be full disclosure of all debt, credit, savings and income; even in you will keep separate finances.”
“Also discuss how you handle money, ex: not paying the minimum on a credit card.”
“Afterwards each couple finds their own way, some keep full disclosure, others update each other on pre agreed upon milestones/decisions.” ~ tinaciv
“YTA. Opening someone else’s mail is a federal crime.”
“If you don’t trust someone’s word you shouldn’t get married.”
“But you sure as shit don’t open their mail.” ~ Aunty_Fascist
“And a corollary: if you are at the point where you’re opening someone’s mail because you don’t trust what they’ve told you about their financial situation, the relationship is doomed.”
“Same as putting up a hidden camera/tracker to catch cheating – if you’re at the point where that seems like a reasonable action to take, just take it out of the oven.”
“It’s done.” ~ nachtkaese
“Americans are bizarre, I’m from the U[nited] K[ingdom] and opening a member of family’s letter would not be a big deal at all.”
“Financial statements, maybe more so, but within a family there should generally be enough trust for that not to be an issue.”
“Additionally, I think it’s more of a big deal to hide debts when you’re about to get married.”
“Finances should be an open thing between a couple that you navigate together, it’s a shared thing once you’re married.”
“You don’t want the bailiffs around because your partner has a load of debt you’re unaware of.”
“To conclude, yeah it was probably a breach of privacy and boundaries in this relationship.”
“But the only reason there is a conflict at all is because this relationship is fundamentally flawed, both parties need to be more open and stop the cloak and dagger s**t.” ~ Aqueous_420
“All right, YTA for opening her letter.”
“What you did was actually did was illegal.”
“HOWEVER, if you two plan on getting married, you both need to be 100% open about all financials.”
“Period. Money is the biggest reason for divorce and problems within a marriage.”
“If she’s unwilling to be open, you need to re-think going down the aisle with her.” ~ KTB1962
“They also have to be on the same page as the in-laws.”
“Will these people end up living in their home down the road?”
“If she’s sending money now what about if they have kids/she’s on maternity leave/wants to stay home or go to part time for the kids – who’s money and how much gets sent??” ~ sqeeky_wheelz
“YTA. You can put off the wedding until your financial future is more planned out, but opening her mail is way too far and isn’t just an AH move but a criminal one.” ~ Striking_Winter_9709
“Agreed. There’s absolutely no shame in saying ‘we can’t be married until we can have an open conversation about finances and be transparent with one another’ and then holding her to that.”
“Strong arming your way into her finances isn’t the way to do that.”
“Pause on moving forward until you’re on the same page and if she’s so cagey that it never happens?”
“Time to consider ending the relationship if moving forward together is important to you.” ~ PossumJenkinsSoles
“YTA – highly illegal to open someone else’s mail.”
“With that being said, her behaviour is extremely odd.”
“How can you propose to someone and not know their financial situation, that’s a recipe for disaster!”
“Long term partners need to know each other’s financial information, it’s super important.”
“Can you imagine if you were to marry her and she has 50k of debts (credit card or other) or she is going bankrupt, etc.”
“Huge red flag on her part for not being honest with you from the start about all this and also huge red flag that you chose to open her mail.” ~ Aves667
“YTA, what possible reason did you have to open her mail?”
“It wasn’t addressed to you.”
“And while she shouldn’t be avoiding talking about finances before you get married, the solution to that issue is to not get married till you’ve talked about it NOT go behind her back and use what you dig up to start a fight.” ~ Wrong-Construction40
“YTA for opening her mail.”
“If you are worried, then talk to her like a grown up.”
“If you don’t or can’t trust her, then maybe you should reconsider marriage.” ~ guppytub
“YTA. It’s illegal to open someone’s mail without their consent, so that was totally wrong.”
“It’s not wrong to want to know about your future spouse’s finances but that should ideally be discussed before you propose, unless you are ready to take financial responsibility for both of you.”
“You can still call off the wedding if she doesn’t come clean and/or you can’t reach an agreement about it, but opening her mail is just wrong.” ~ Jordan-Peterson_Fan
OP came back with more deets…
“It’s pretty hilarious that everyone was telling me I was a felon.”
“Technically I broke the law, but she’s not calling the police for me opening her mail lol.”
“I do appreciate the feedback from everyone though.”
“I had no idea this would get so many comments.”
“I apologized to her and we’re going to go over both of our finances together after the holidays.”
“Thanks to everyone who weighed in!”
Well OP, Reddit is not thrilled with your actions.
People aren’t flawless.
Sounds like you made it work in the end.
Good luck.