Redditor thecarolinamama generously opened her home up to her friend and her family a few months ago when they had nowhere else to go.
Now the Original Poster (OP) is buying a house for her own family but unfortunately this new home doesn't have space for extra guests.
The OP's friend wasn't expecting it be left out of this new living arrangement, causing an argument to ensue.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for not allowing my friend to move with my and my children"
She went on to explain.
"I am a 32 [year old] widow to three young children."
"We live in a small but cute three bedroom that is too small for us but [due] to cost of living and COVID we ended up renting the home longer than originally expected."
"The house has a renovated garage type space in the back and about 6 months ago my friend "Trish" asked if she could stay because she had no where to go with her two kids."
"I told her that's fine but that I would not be renewing my lease because I am purchasing a home."
"Trish has not saved up any money or gotten a job. I reminded her last week that I would start putting in offers on homes this week."
"We put in an offer this past Friday and found out today that I was accepted. I let Trish know that if things went well we would be leaving in 30-45 days."
"She asked me about the house and then said that the house doesn't have a space for her and her kids but otherwise it was perfect."
"I thought she was joking and said that once we get settled we will figure out something for sleep overs with the kids."
"Trish seemed totally taken off guard. She said that she didn't think I was really going to move without her and that she had no where to go and she would be homeless."
"She called her sister and her sister said no she can't stay because their grandmother already lives there and there is no more space."
"Trish is now freaking out and saying that we've all turned our back on her. Her parents don't have their own place nor do her grandparents."
"I recommended income based housing a job but she said she doesn't want to put her kids in day care."
"She says that I have more than enough money to help her and still buy a house."
"(I work two jobs and have busted my butt to buy this house and have enough money for furniture and everything to be the way I want)."
"I basically told her I can't help her and the lights will be out September 15th."
"AITA for leaving her with no where to go?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA"
"You gave her 6 months."
"She is not working, and she is not planning to work - her plan is to exploit YOU." - Aggressive-Mind-2085
"Trish is not your friend, she is angling to be your dependent - trailing her two kids with her. I wouldn't let her have your new address, if you haven't already given it."
"I'd be very careful about allowing her entry to your new home at all for that matter."
"NTA. And no sleepovers for the kids. She'll try to leave them with you, or stay herself."
"Watch out for all mail, make sure there's nothing with her name coming to your new address, she might try to claim residency." - BallantyneR
"No idea why people think you are obligated to help them financially when they refuse to help themselves. You gave plenty of time and help."
"NTA" - SnooDoughnuts4691
"NTA but you need to put your kids first."
"The house was already small with 4 people and you added an additional 3"
"Don't let her guilt trip you. Your kids need space and privacy to grow."
"You are not her partner to be financially supporting her" - mcmxcven
"NTA. Trish, by asking you about the house, was trying to finagle her way into getting more free housing from you."
"You have given her plenty of notice by sharing your plans with her and keeping her up to date on your house hunt. She should not have assumed that she'd be going with you."
"She's also being a pretty entitled AH by spending your money for you and allocating a certain amount for her by saying that you have more than enough money to help her and still buy a house".
"This person is honestly not your friend. Think of yourself and your children first because Trish sure isn't going to do so." - joyfulrobots
"Lemme get this right. She wants you to keep working two jobs so she doesn't have to get one?"
"She'll try to use guilt, begging and the single mom card to get a key to your new place. And the fact that nobody else will take her in means she's already burned those bridges."
"But here's the thing…you worked, saved, took care of your kids and did it all. So can she. If she wanted to."
"So congrats on saving up and getting a house in this economy. Not easy. Now go enjoy it, let the kids decorate and get that furniture you've saved for." - Sugar_Mama76
"NTA. You may be her friend, but she is not yours. She's only using you." - ProfPlumDidIt
"Trish is leaving herself with nowhere to go. Were you "turning your back on her" when you gave her a place to stay?"
"She should've used that time to line up her own place, especially knowing you'd be ending your lease at the current place."
"OP is NTA, but Trish definitely is with her sense of entitlement." - baka-tari
"NTA - You told her your intentions to move when she started living with you, so she had a full 6 months to start planning!"
"Then, once things were 100% finalized for your family, she still had 45ish days to again, get her an** into gear & figure out a plan."
"You helped her out (did she contribute anything financially while renting?) & now she's mad she can no longer mooch off of your kindness."
"Maybe I'm a pessimist, but hold off on giving her your new address. She might try to follow you there or try to sabotage your new home." - HoneyCrispCrumble
"NTA, she's being extremely entitled. She can couch surf with her parents in the mean time."
"If she has kids she needs to realise that having them in daycare with a roof over their head at night is better than no home. Plenty of single mums work."
"Enjoy your new house!" - BenynRudh
"'I recommended income-based housing a job but she said she doesn't want to put Her kids in day care.'"
"So she should live with you for free because her kids are too precious for daycare? F*ck her. NTA." - OkeyDokey234
"NTA"
"She needs to figure out how to live on her own. She was planning to mooch off of you for as long as possible." - AgentAlpo
"NTA, your "friend" planned on you supporting her and her kids for life. She is an adult and needs to start adulting her life by herself." - Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA - unfortunately, being a stay-at-home mom isn't an option for Trish. It sucks for her, but it's reality check time and time for a job and low-income housing."
"If she doesn't want her kids in daycare, she could look for alternate options…"
"…like an in-home babysitter, working overnight shifts and having her kids stay with a family member, etc." - MuppetJonBonJovi
"NTA. This was temporary, not something you signed up for forever."
"I appreciate your friend's not wanting to put her children in daycare, but we all do what we have to do to make our way in this world."
"Sounds like Trish has been happy to rely on you and not done anything to take responsibility for her housing needs."
"You didn't agree to a long-term situation, and you've given lots of notice. The rest is up to Trish. For her to try to guilt you into being responsible for her and her children is not reasonable."
"You HAVE helped her, but clearly she's not done what she needs to do during the time with you to help herself. She has options, and she needs to take them ASAP."
"Can't believe she had the nerve to tell you that you had enough money to continue letting them stay with you. Wow. She's not a friend. She's an entitled freeloader." - Realistic_Head4279
"NTA (unless you're the father of Trish's kids, and I think we can assume you are not)."
"You've been very generous in providing her with housing these past six months and told her at the outset that it couldn't be forever."
"Congratulations on your new home, btw & best of luck with the moving process!" - cin_co
"NTA. You told her from day one what you were doing. At no point did you change your mind and tell her she would be coming with you. Absolutely NTA."
"She has no problem using her kids as a weapon while manipulating you and just expecting you to take care of her."
"Imposing her entire existence on your being - you should have no qualms about taking care of your family and continuing on with what you literally told her you would be doing since day 1."
"She sounds as if she is quite the person. Advice, if I may? Do not allow her a single night in your new home. You will never, ever get her out of there."
"And the kids - she should have thought about them the last six months. Not dumped the responsibility on you at the last minute. This will never end if you let her follow." - notsleptyet
The OP went on to update the thread to inform them that Trish doesn't have her new address.
Furthermore, the new home is also in a gated community, and security knows about her.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.