A couple had their life turned completely upside with a major revelation.
28-year-old Redditor throwRAthrowaway28 discovered that his 33-year-old bisexual boyfriend's past reemerged and would soon affect both of their lives forever.
Still reeling from the dizzying life change, the Original Poster (OP) solicited advice from strangers in Reddit's Relationship Advice column and wrote:
"My boyfriend found out he has an illegitimate son (14 m). I don't know what to do."
In an update, the OP acknowledged a misstep.
"I apologize for calling him 'illegitimate' I just thought it was a good word to describe the situation whilst keeping the title short. I understand how that can be offensive."
He explained:
"OK so I never thought I'd ever make one of these because I usually pride myself in my problem solving skills but this is something I literally never expected to happen to me."
"My boyfriend of 3 years in August got a weird call from a social worker a few days back. I should note that my boyfriend is bisexual and has had sexual relations with women in years past, well, turns out when he was 19, he got a girl pregnant."
"I asked him what he knows about her and he said basically nothing, they met during a school event (he went to Bowling Green) and they hooked up and he never heard from her again."
"I naturally had a lot of questions following that. The social worker, we'll call her Grace, came down to meet us (him specifically) and gave us the run down if we seemed fit to take in the child."
"Unfortunately, his biological mother tried committing suicide a few weeks back and it left her in a vegetative state. Her mother helped the social worker track down my boyfriend."
"All they knew of him was he studied Communications at Bowling Green and that's how they found him, class of 2009."
"It's been a very confusing scenario, Grace offered us a choice. She said that we are fit to take in Michael (fake name) assuming the blood test comes back positive, or he'll be placed on a foster family roster."
"The chances of him getting actually adopted are slim to none."
"My boyfriend said if the blood test comes back and he is the father, he will take him in. I was not consulted first but I think it's the right thing to do."
"Blood test came in, he's the father. Michael is supposed to move in on Friday."
"What can I do? What should I do? I'm terrified."
"My boyfriend is nervous and things just aren't the same right now. There's an entire teenage human being moving in on Friday and we've barely talked about it."
"Grace comes by daily to check in on our routine. We both work full time but we're home all day because of [the virus]. We bring in a decent amount of income so money won't be an issue."
"We have a spare bedroom that's furnished so we won't have to do much in terms of that. I'm just scared you guys."
"Have any of you been blindsided like this before? I literally have no preparation for a situation like this."
"I have so many questions. I need all the support I can get. Thanks."
This Redditor lauded the couple for being so accommodating—when others in their situation might struggle in accepting a teenager as a new member of the family—and offered suggestions in making a smooth transition.
"This may sound dumb, but damn, I am so proud of you, both of you, for how you're jumping in to help."
"It's weird, it's a big a** change, you did not have a lot of time, but you are going to statistically at least, save this kid from a life of abuse and crime."
"The foster system is not kind and the kid of a mom who tried to kill herself and will never recover is going to have a lot of trauma."
"Set up for therapy. Family therapy, individual therapy for every one of you three."
"Get the kid a thorough medical eval to make sure his mother hasn't left him with any physical issues (mentally ill parents may have neglected their children's needs, even if of course we'd hope he arrives in good shape and sound health, it's something to watch out for) and just take things as they come."
"Be his guardian, be like a cool uncle to him and try to help him focus on what he needs. He probably needs to grieve his mother, who in her state is completely unavailable to him."
"He may have a lot of anger at you two at first and needs to work through it. Give him time, but also extend that same patience towards yourself." – Joshuainlimbo
"This is great advice. I also want to add that sometimes fear and pain are expressed in the form of anger."
"Kids, even teenagers, are new at expressing emotion and they often don't know how. Remember that."
"This kid's mom tried to kill herself and now his life is completely turned upside down and he might go through a stage of anger. Don't take it personally and don't stifle it except when he might hurt himself or others (or his or other' property)."
"Try to help him find a healthy form of expression, an outlet. It could be writing, drawing, music, sports/exercise. He's going to need it. He's going to require a lot of patience. Sometimes the people that are hard to love need it the most."
"Good luck. I wish you 3 the best. I hope you make some happy memories together." – Daedaluswaxwings
A foster parent offered encouraging words.
"It's ok to be scared."
"My husband and I are foster parents and first thing we learned is to be communicative and define and set house rules for the children."
"Children and even older ones need structure and boundaries so they know what they can and cannot do and what to expect from you and your boyfriend."
"Just be open and understanding and willing to work with them with whatever they need. Good luck." – Smokedeggs
This Redditor suggested the couple maintain a semblance of the teen's daily routines to help him assimilate into the new environment.
"Find out (if you don't know already) what the boy's current schedule/routine is so you can plan for this to not be disrupted."
"E.g figure out how he's going to get to and from school, any hobbies or clubs he might be part of, etc. What is his usual morning routine, what does he like for breakfast, when does he usually eat dinner."
"The more constants you can keep, the easier he'll find it to adjust. And if there are any conflicts with your current routine, you can iron these out quickly."
"The reason I know the above is because I was in a similar situation to your boyfriend's son, except I was a few years younger than him and already knew my father."
"The whole situation was a shock but having no disruption to my regular routine really helped." – sugarsponge
Taking him shopping was another helpful advice from Redditors.
"I suggest offering to take him somewhere like target to be able to decorate the guest room to be more for him, and getting to learn about him in the process!" – starry-skies-
"I was gonna suggest this, also potentially having a care package ready with stuff like snacks, drinks, maybe a few gift cards to some generally decent stores like Starbucks or Gamestop, but i can imagine that without knowing much about him it'd be hard to coordinate a gift like this."
"But I'd feel like even if they weren't necessarily things he loves he'd still get the sense of being welcomed into their home."
"Ross is also a really good place to get home decor items, they have bed sets for a decent price, but I'd imagine target/walmart would be better so he could also pick up toiletries and other essential items if needed." – justanotherlickdick
This Redditor emphasized that from this point on, the kid becomes the top priority and there is no turning back after making a decision to take him in.
"You're scared, that's understandable. But big boy pants on now, if you're a grown man that is worried about his relationship imagine being a kid whose mom just tried to off herself, meeting your biological dad for first time."
"As if being 14 wasn't already confusing enough."
"I get it, you didn't sign up for this. But make a decision really quick. Because when that kid gets there he is the priority. His mental health, physical health, everything."
"Last thing he needs is to notice animosity, resentment or infighting between you and your boyfriend because of his presence."
"So, I understand if raising a 14 year old isn't something you want to do. Or if your boyfriend didn't consult you, but he's the dad and I'm grateful he's taking responsibility. That kid comes first now."
"So if you want out, that is ok, just hurry up and bounce before kid gets there so he has one less trauma to deal with. Otherwise read some books, prepare to put this kid first and best of luck!" – Tuasdad
Many of the Redditors wished the couple good luck and cautioned them not to give the kid any more trauma than he has already experienced.
When a Redditor assured the OP was entitled to be scared in his "wild scenario" and choosing to be a part of this shouldn't be an obligation, the OP said of their new journey together:
"I know it's not MY obligation but my boyfriend is the man I've chosen to love, warts and all."
"I could take some time to myself sure, but even if I did it wouldn't change the fact that regardless of the situation, he's the man I want to do it with. And it just so happens to be this circumstance, something I would have never expected but here we are anyway."
"It's a curveball for sure but I wouldn't let either of us do it alone."
Despite his fears, it appears the couple will provide a loving home for the new member of the family. Much luck to them, indeed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp