What is the line of infidelity in a relationship? Has the contract between the two partners been explicitly defined?
This is the question that was on husbandismad's mind as she took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" after her husband caught her giving a lap dance to her gay best friend and roommate.
"AITA for saying a lap dance doesn't count as cheating?"
She began:
"Trust me I know how this sounds but just hear me out."
Lap dances were not something our original poster, or OP, was new to.
"When I (F(emale) 30) was in college, I worked at a coed strip club. The money was incredible and helped me pay off my student loans faster than minimum wage ever could, so I have no regrets about it."
"After I graduated, I got a good job at an accounting firm and that's how I met my husband (M(ale) 34). We've been married for three years."
OP's husband was generally okay with this, and all of her friends from that time period.
"My husband knows all about my old job and some of my best friends are people I worked with there who he also gets along with. One of these friends, let's call him Henry (M29), is probably my closest friend, besides my high school BFF."
"He moved in our guest room about four months ago because his boyfriend kicked him out of the house, and we agreed to let him stay and save up for his own place. For obvious reasons, he's been laid off from his job and has been doing online side projects, but he still pays rent and cooks so I'm fine with him."
"My husband was also fine with him until last weekend."
One night some alcohol and poor decisions made the evening take a sharp turn for the worse.
"My husband decided to go out back and get some much-needed yard work done, while Henry and I hung out in the basement playing pool and drinking wine."
"We started getting pretty tipsy, so we put on some of our favorite songs from our old work and started reminiscing old times. We were both getting back into our groove, laughing and dancing, and that's when I thought it would be fun to give Henry a lap dance to see if I still got it."
When OP's husband caught sight of what was happening, things got hairy.
"Apparently, my husband went to knock on the basement window to tell us to turn down the music and saw the lap dance, and he went completely berserk. He tried to kick Henry out, but I told him both our names are on the house and so I get a say, too."
OP's husband is now refusing to talk to her.
"He told me he's never felt so betrayed in our whole relationship and now he'll barely speak to me. He's been locking himself in our office with an air mattress and the dog 24/7 since, only coming out for food, the bathroom, or walks."
"I keep telling him he's being ridiculous because Henry is GAY for crying out loud, but he says he won't stop until Henry leaves, and there's something wrong with me if I can't understand why he's angry."
So now OP is unsure whether or not she was wrong.
"I was pretty confident I was in the right but he's still fuming so now I'm second-guessing myself. Am I the a**hole here?"
Redditors were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Unfortunately, most of Reddit was not on OP's side.
"YTA - just because it's 'not cheating' doesn't mean it's unreasonable for him to be upset, and your response to his distress is pretty awful."
"Try to get in his mindset: he leaves the house, looks in the window, and sees his drunk wife giving a lap dance to her old friend who he's letting stay in his house. He absolutely has a right to not be comfortable with that."
"You responded to his discomfort by saying that you aren't going to allow him to kick out the guy you just gave a lap dance to from his own home. You're not on his side you're on your friends side, and you're not respecting his feeling of betrayal."~V0mitBucket
"YTA. Look, I'm poly. In my relationships straight-up f***ing another person isn't 'cheating' so long as it happens within the bounds of the rules and expectations me and my partner/s have agreed upon."
"And that right there is the critical point. It's down to the agreement and feelings of both partners in the relationship and, personally, I always err on the side that the limit gets set by the partner with the least desire for openess."
"Example: Me and my primary have an agreement that neither of us pursues anyone in the artistic industry he's in, as it's a close-knit community that already heavily blurs the lines between friends and business partners, and throwing sex into the mix is just a recipe for disaster."
"So I could have sex with one of my DnD buddies and that would be fine, but if I were to sleep with one of the people he gigs with that would be cheating."
"To the vast majority of people, lap dancing is sexual. To you it was a job and an art form. But to your patrons it was absolutely sexual - that's the whole reason for them to go to it, to be sexually titillated."
"Now. To you, personally, dancing on Henry's lap was not sexual because he's gay and you're not attracted to him. But you don't get to decide your husband's comfort levels there, and in his mind you have betrayed his trust and you're refusing to respect his feelings on the matter."
"If your husband considers lapdances a form of cheating, then lapdances aren't something you get to do for people other than your husband without it being cheating. Not with the husband you married, at least."~UristMcD
"YTA I don't think it's just the lap dance, but I'm sure he (your husband) also saw the wine, and saw you were both tipsy and that contributed to his reaction. No, lap dances are not necessarily 'cheating,' but you were not painting the prettiest picture to your husband."~supertaquito
"YTA because hanging out alone and drinking, dancing with another guy, giving that guy a lap dance, and then telling your husband it wasn't cheating is a jerk move."~Free_Hat_McCullough
"YTA. A lap dance may not fit the classic definition of cheating but it's still a sexually charged act and it's incredibly disrespectful to give/ receive one while in a relationship. (Yes, there are outliers in this circumstance like bachelor/ bachelorette parties when your spouse to be is okay with it, but that's not what this was.)"
"From your husband's point of view you were drunk and alone with your friend and he literally caught you giving the other man a lap dance. It doesn't matter who's gay and who's not in this situation, it's incredibly demeaning to your spouse and to the relationship as a whole that you'd essentially perform a sexual dance for someone who is not your husband."~fxckingconfused
"YTA. I can see why you thought it wouldn't be a big deal, you're not the a**hole for the drunken lapdance (but maybe a touch more forethought wouldn't have gone amiss)."
"I can see why your husband would see it as a huge deal and react how he did."
"The reason you're TA is because you refuse to acknowledge his feelings as valid. You're basically gaslighting him and telling him he doesn't have the right to be upset at seeing his wife in an intimate position with another man."~AmeriMeg
OP, after receiving this feedback, didn't seem to learn anything.
"Edit - hey guys I appreciate the feedback but I'd like to kindly ask that you please stop upvoting this because my husband uses reddit and I really don't want him to see this. He doesn't go on this specific subReddit as far as I know and I fudged some of the minor details for anonymity, but I just don't want to risk it. Thank you."
"Edit 2 - no, guys, I was not naked and neither was Henry for those who are asking. We didn't even touch. I did NOT cheat on my husband; this thread is incredibly sexist and homophobic. And again, please stop upvoting, you're just doing it out of cruelty at this point."
Redditors were nonplussed with her deflection and refusal to take responsibility for any of her actions, including posting her question on Reddit.
Marriage is a contract between spouses.
If at any point that contract is broken, the conversation to redraw boundaries has to happen respectfully.
Hopefully OP and her husband can come to some sort of understanding.
The book I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships is available here.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.