Kids grow up. And as they grow up, they start trying more and more adult things, such as dating.
How parents respond to that is....variable to say the least. Some parents foster an environment where their child can safely explore the things that they are curious about.
Others fight against it.
Redditor Ok-Bad-7566 found himself dealing with this when it came to his own son, who started dating a guy and bringing him around the house.
Though his son's mother strictly forbade it, he decided to give his son a place to safely explore dating this guy.
After a poor reaction from his ex, our original poster, or OP, went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for objective feedback from strangers:
"AITA for letting my son hang out with his bf at my house even though his mom forbid it?"
Our OP talked about the dynamic between he, his ex, and his son.
"Me (40M[ale]) and my ex (37F[emale]) got divorced when our son (14) was 5. We've been for the most part amicable ex's other than when we get into arguments about our son."
"Ever since he was little she's always coddled him and kept him from doing things that she thinks he's not ready for."
"Like he still slept in the bed with us til he was almost 4 and she still won't let him watch r rated movies, and still doesn't think he's ready to date even though he'll be 15 in a few months."
"And he's told us he's had crushes on boys at school. He's growing up now and I keep trying to tell her that she's stifling him, but she won't hear it."
"I try my best to allow him to do more within reason when's he's with me."
OP knows his son's growing up after he brought home a boy from school.
"This year he seems to have found himself a boyfriend the same age."
"I met him a few weeks ago when I was picking him up for school and saw them holding hands and even though he was embarrassed he introduced us and his bf seemed like a nice kid who was super respectful."
"I didn't tell his mom and sometimes they'd come over to my house to hangout. I laid down rules about no closed doors, gave him the talk, and no being at my place when I'm not home."
"His mom found out about it when she went through our son's phone wondering why he was spending so much time at my place and called me yesterday morning screaming at me about how I betrayed her trust and how we agreed he wasn't ready to date yet."
"I yelled back that I never agreed to that and that she's holding him back and that he's not a little kid anymore and she says he's too immature and tries to get me to forbid the bf from my house, I tell her no and she yells and hangs up the phone and we haven't talked since."
"AITA here?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed what OP was doing was more beneficial to his son than what his ex was doing.
"NTA. Her coddling behavior is dangerous and will leave him ill-equipped for life."
"And here's the thing. If you tell him no dating well he's just gonna ignore what you're saying and do what he wants to anyways."
"He's a teenager and while still needing structure, he also needs more freedom"-michaelscott1776
"I grew up with a mom like this. I realized pretty quickly that she didn't understand boundaries. OP's kid knew not to tell her he was dating, knew not to tell her bf came over."
"Only thing he got wrong was not locking his phone - though that would have been a whole other fight."
"I'm not saying her 'parenting' won't cause issues. It will. But the kid will still learn to survive. He'll have to work on understanding healthy boundaries for sure."-Light_Side_Dark_Side
"It's been a while since I was a teenager, but unless things have changed even more radically than I think they have, being a gay kid hiding a relationship can put a queer teenager in some very dangerous, very compromising positions."
"Sometimes the kinds of people who will 'support' your kids are not the kinds of people you want around them."
"And if you cut yourself off from that aspect of your kid's life, you're not going to be able to help said kid make wise choices when it comes to things like party drugs and other risky behavior. NTA."-gammahamster
"NTA You can't forbid them from seeing each other anyway. I mean, you can. You can say those words, but it doesn't mean anything."
"They'll still see each other. They'll still have a relationship. 'Forbidding' is something that makes a parent feel better."
"Do you have any idea from his mom when his magical 'ready' time is? He's 15. The time from now to the point where he can pack up and be on his own is going to pass VERY quickly."
"Also, how is he to 'get' ready to date and have a relationship if he's not allowed to try?"
"You've set solid boundaries and mom sounds very much that she's noT ReaDy fOR heR BaBy to GRoW uP, which I also get, up to a point. But they grow up anyway."-prometheus59650
In fact, people said Mom's coddling will probably end up for the worse later on.
"Definitely NTA. Reading between the lines is she not okay with his sexuality? I imagine she has aspirations of him getting married to a pretty girl and having grandchildren."
"By preventing him dating she is delaying having to deal with the reality."
"You are being cool and talking dad to dad.... Better to be the good guy and have some influence than suppress and force them to go behind your back which is dangerous as you no doubt already well know."
"I agree wholeheartedly with your position and would have said pretty much same."-Motorcycle-adikt
"NTA, in fact, you're probably your child's safe haven right now. You've set rules for your son, the very same rules I had growing up and my children had."
"You're being respectful of him as a young person and acknowledge he deserves to have the same rules as everyone else. GOOD ON YOU, DAD!!!"
"Your ex seems to have control issues, but that's her problem, not your sons. He's very lucky to have you and I wish you all well in this crazy thing we call parenting."-jcacca
"NTA. You're doing great. Giving your son rules to follow will only reinforce his confidence with navigating the world."
"Consistently being told he's not enough is harmful and can make him doubt himself, especially if it comes from someone he admires."
"Hopefully she can see reason but if this has been the routine his whole life, maybe family counseling can help bridge that gap."
"I would suggest it in a way that doesn't put her methods down (even though we all know this isn't right) and instead is an opportunity for both of you to raise the tater tot into a strong confident person."-Kitsundae
"NTA I had different rules at both parents house and my parents parented me differently from each other as all parents do in their own way."
"You're giving him freedom and rules associated with his age which to him is a sign of responsibility and respect and the more your ex tries to hold him back from age appropriate responsibilities the more he'll dig in and do what he wants."
"To quote Uncle Ben ' With great power comes great responsibility ' to which your son is learning."-G8RTOAD
And as a dad, giving the child a healthy space to grow and develop is such an important step that often gets missed for queer kids.
Several people chimed in to let OP know what he's doing is not just good, it's important.
"NTA. While it would be ideal to have a good co-parent relationship this is also not an ideal situation."
"Your sons beloved smother is basically squashing the maturity out of him and if she had her way he'd probably still be breast feeding."
"Part of a healthy parenting relationship is that the parent has to adapt to the fact that their kid is getting older, which you have and she hasn't."
"In situations like this it's perfectly acceptable to say, 'nah, I'll let him do what I let him do in my house, thank you.'"-Sad_Muffin7908
"Better to guide with instructions and clear rules, then to hold them back and kickin em loose at 18 like loads of parents seem to do..."
"Clearly your kid feels safe with you, after all he introduced his bf to you, and they hang out together at your place."
"They don't seem to have issues with the rules you gave em. Which is really a good indication at that age, they respect you and your house/rules."
"Mom is way out of line here... Son will grow to dislike her at the very least. She can kick rocks imo, be there for your child and provide a welcome and safe space for him when needed/wanted."
"You are very much NTA!"-Fun_Macaroon9841
"NTA You did everything right (although i don't really get those 'door stays open' rules) with being open and honest, giving him the talk and giving a safe space where they can hang out."
"You are right, he's not a child anymore."
"Continue the way you do. That way at least one parent will see him as a teenager and not a child and he will feel understood at least by you."-A9J9B
"NTA. As someone who had their first bf at 13 and was active with them (gay guy here)."
"Before I came out my parents were very anti-gay and in insight having to run around in secret was not healthy."
"I would have benefitted much better from having a safe place or an understanding adult to discuss things with and it seems like OP understands that."
"Some parents can't face their children growing up and maybe that's what's going on with Mama Bear here but she needs to work with the son so he grows and develops healthily as does their relationship."-CuriousPasserby93
OP is giving his son a lot of grace, and in doing so, is fostering an even healthier relationship with him when he turns into an adult.
Hopefully mom realizes the error of her ways before it's too late.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.