Going through a breakup can generate a range of emotions like depression and anger, and the rejected person is entitled to their own space to suss out their feelings.
Redditor throwra_qazwsx555 was denied that opportunity for contemplation when his girlfriend broke up with him.
After feeling utterly confused, he turned to Reddit's Relationship Advice column to see if the online community can make heads or tails of his post-breakup plight.
The Original Poster (OP) asked:
"My girlfriend (23 F[emale]) broke up with me (22 M[ale]) and now says I'm being toxic and a misogynist for not wanting to stay friends?"
"I've known her for 3 years, we dated pretty casually for 2 of those."
"She broke up with me last week and now things are getting weird. Her whole thing with the breakup was that she 'lost feelings' for me and felt it was finally time to tell me since I wasn't getting her hints (apparently she's felt this way for 3 or 4 months now)."
"I keep telling her I needed space and want some time away from her but every time I try to distance myself she freaks out."
The OP discovered that being completely honest with his ex-girlfriend was a big mistake.
"Today I told her I just needed some time to think and I felt betrayed and she went OFF on me."
"She spent about an hour telling me how toxic it was to not be willing to just stay friends with her and how I was a misogynist f'kboy because it meant that I was only with her for the chance to get laid."
"I love her a lot but she's the one who broke up with me and I'm not sure why she thinks she can just be friends after that."
"I don't know why she wants that in the first place. Has anyone gone through something similar and can help me understand what her perspective might be on this?"
"I'm not sure and any time I ask her for details she shuts down hard."
The OP asked for the help of anonymous strangers to see if they could shed some light on the ex-girlfriend's behavior.
Astentia flat-out told the OP that, "She's being....crazy," and asked if he can just cut off all contact with her.
The OP replied:
"I can but I'm not hopeful it will work. She tends to blow up my phone if I don't message her for a few days."
But Astentia offered a simple solution.
"Block her. Don't feel bad, you only have yourself to take care of."
"The more you reply to her the more she will keep making you miserable."
But it seemed the OP was struggling with the suggestion to isolate himself from her.
"I mean I do feel bad though. Seems like whenever I try to tell her I'm going to not reply or something, she says she knew it would happen and then starts apologizing and saying she'll leave me alone, and that she knows she's made mistakes and 'deserves' to be blocked."
"Then I feel like I'm kicking a puppy if I do."
The OP added:
"She's had some pretty major issues with chronic depression in the past so I don't feel like she's being manipulative, she really seems to feel that badly about herself."
This Redditor only had this to say in response to the OP's "kicking a puppy" comment.
"The abuse is working well apparently." – AffectionateReading7
Redditors started losing patience with the OP's reluctance to move on.
"This is manipulation. Stop responding completely, and if you cannot, block her."
"It is not punishing her, it is not cruel, it is you sitting a healthy boundary to protect yourself." – Froggetpwagain
"That's actually a classic abusive tactic."
"She does something bad to you, you react appropriately, and she has a 'Big Sad' that requires you to comfort her (Even though she's clearly in the wrong,) and suddenly she's turned it all around on you, and you're the bad guy."
"This is emotional abuse. She's controlling you with her own sadness and guilt. It's pretty gross on her part." – Alma_knack
"OP, this is emotional manipulation."
"'Oh, I'm awful and worthless, of COURSE you dont want to be friends with me.' How is that going to make you feel/react?"
"If you're a decent person, odds are your immediate response will be, 'of course you're not worthless or awful, I'm so sorry, I didnt mean it, let me make you feel better!'"
"And then the cycle continues."
"She doesn't want to date you, but she also doesn't want to lose the emotional support that you give her."
"Shes trying to have her cake and eat it too. Its NORMAL for people to talk less when they break up! That's LITERALLY part of the process!"
"Tell her you will no longer allow her to emotionally manipulate you. You need space from her, and you are going to take it."
"Shes a big girl who needs to learn how to live without you." – SA_Starling_
A campaign to kick the "puppy" soon emerged.
"Then kick that f'king puppy."
"She's emotionally manipulating you dude. She wants to have her cake (you, emotionally wrapped around her finger) and eat it too (f'k other dudes)."
"F'k that sh*t." – celtickerr
"Yeah, this 'puppy' of yours is purposefully chewing and pissing all over your heart and you're enabling her to keep doing so."
"Dropkick that puppy to next Tuesday by just honestly ghosting her. You deserve healing and time away from her." – LifeIsString
No means no.
"She's not respecting your boundaries. You don't have to associate with anyone you don't want to. It's that simple."
"She's toxic if she doesn't respect your limits. Block her and don't look back. You don't have to justify or explain yourself to her; 'No' is a complete sentence." – neanderloo
This Redditor saw the ex-girlfriend's intentions clear as day.
"Seems like she wants your love, support and attention, and wants to be able to have that without being your GF. She wants to be 'friends' so you can continue to treat her well and boost her confidence, while she looks around for something better and will then label you a complete stalker when she finds a new bf."
"Take screen shots, be direct, be civil, walk away."
The Redditor continued with this imagined dialogue as a guide for a future conversation.
"Listen, I know you'd like for us to be friends, but surely you can see how hurtful that would be to me, right now, after you broke up with me. I need some time to get over you. (bleurgh, but it'll flatter her) Maybe in a few months we can reassess things."
"If she starts with the f'kboi stuff again, tell her you had feelings for her, you had a physical relationship and maybe your feeling just ran deeper than hers, and you need time to heal."
"Screenshot any insults or blatant manipulation because once she realises she's not getting her own way, she'll tell anyone who'll listen how awful you are. Have your receipts."
"Edit to add... If you really want to get under her skin, tell her that you're chatting to someone you really like at the moment and she's not too keen on you hanging with your exes. It will be like in cartoons when you can see the steam coming out of someone's ears." – jenzo2
The Redditors have spoken and it's now up to the OP to decide whether he should wallow in his dejection or just go and drop-kick that puppy.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.