When a couple moves in together, all of their domestic chores and mundanities begin to overlap. It makes sense, as it's usually more efficient.
And yet, that can take some getting used to.
A recent story posted to the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit illustrated those growing pains.
The Original Poster (OP), known as PracticalCup7941on the site, used the post's title to share exactly which chore stirred the pot.
"AITA for doing my GF's laundry / violating her privacy?"
OP explained that things felt quite normal before the drama ensued.
"We're both mid 20s and moved in together about 4 weeks ago. I had a surprise day off while my GF was at work so I thought I'd catch up on some house chores, part of which was my laundry."
"When I got to the machine I found it was full (she forgot to hang her stuff out last night and left it in the machine) so I took out her wet clothes and hung them out to dry."
"I then put my clothes in the machine and turned it on."
"Some ten hours later I folded all her now dry clothes and put them on the bed and then hung my clothes out."
OP didn't expect what came next.
"When she got home I told her clothes were folded on her bed."
"She was not pleased by this, saying that I'd violated her privacy by going through her clothes and that it was even a little creepy how I'd gone and touched her underwear (there were bras and underwear among her clothes)."
He didn't agree.
"Now, such a thing had never crossed my mind as being weird or creepy.
"When I was growing up I had sisters and of their or my mums bras and such were in the laundry we just hung them out as normal and they did the same of mine or my dads stuff was in the machine. To me they're just bits of fabric."
Things only continued spiraling from there.
"But seeing as my GF didn't see it that way I told her I wouldn't do it again but if that was the case could she please make sure the washing machine is empty as soon as the cycle is done so it's not blocking my schedule and that I'd do the same for her."
"That further exacerbated our fight as now she said I was trying to gaslight her by shifting the blame onto her."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Most Redditors took OP's side completely. They assured him that his girlfriend's logic was rather bizarre.
"NTA I assume you two have sex. I'm so confused why she needs to keep her bras and panties private from the man she has sex with. She is making a mountain out of a mole hill."
"Telling her to process her laundry faster if she doesn't want you touching her things was not at all gaslighting. It was a reasonable request given her boundaries." -- pizzamartini
"NTA. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that at some point prior to this you have had her panties on your bedroom floor before so how the fuck is she so touchy about you folding them??? She's weird af" -- TriZARAtops
'The person you are having sex with thinks it's creepy that you handled her undergarments? Is it creepy when you handle her genitals?" -- MitmitaPepitas
"NTA. What were you supposed to do? Throw it all in a bin or just not wash your own laundry?"
"Tell her if she would prefer next time you will just put all her wet clothes in a bin for her to deal with, you were trying to be considerate." -- Ennah_Schemer
"NTA. I would have said NAH; that this was just different ideas of what is private and what is not. But she earns the AH designation for saying you're gaslighting her. That was an unnecessary escalation that prevents you from having a real conversation."
"You two are a team now and it needs to be You+Her versus the problem, not You vs Her. Communication is key."
"I do want to add that your take on the laundry is much, much more common than hers. It's more 'normal' for couples to do each other's laundry than not. So it's unfair that she's acting like what you did was unheard of." -- ifimhereimrealbored
Others went in the total opposite direction than his girlfriend. They were impressed by his kindness.
"NTA. Most women would love for someone to actually do something nice. She sounds a bit crazy, you are living together." -- Himalayankitten
"NTA. That's weird. She should have said 'thank you.' You're her bf, not her creepy neighbor." -- jammy913
"WTF? NTA, and most people would be thrilled you helped with their chores. Also, you were not gaslighting her, you were trying to coordinate so this didn't happen again. If she mischaracterizes your actions like this often, reconsider the relationship." -- Randomized_Tiger
And some pointed out the possible indications of bigger problems at play.
"NTA. And this is a warning sign, a pretty big red flag. If y'all are living together, the line the relationship goes on, mixing y'all's clothes into single loads would become the norm. Y'all sleep together, do other things hopefully as well that requires one to touch the other's under garments. You did an act of kindness."
"For her to not only get immediately defensive about it, but to become even more so sorry you explained you meant no harm, either this girl is trying to hide something from you by her accusations, or she had vastly different culture issues that will obviously only continue to clash with your own."
"You need to sit down with her and have a calm conversation asking about ground rules now that you live together, how everything changes by cohabitation, and what her comfort levels are. If she gets upset by this conversation, then you may want to reconsider who you are dating."
"NTA. You sure she's your girlfriend and not just a female roommate?"
"That is very unusual that she sees your doing her laundry as a violation of privacy. I would definitely ask her to tell you what other actions would violate her boundaries." -- FishWoman1970
Here's hoping OP won't have to be on egg shells while doing the many other typical household chores.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.