What keeps a relationship beneficial for the people involved is compatibility, with shared interests but with enough differences in taste to ensure things remain interesting.
A guy who is a huge fan of a niche genre of entertainment and media was one of the things he and his girlfriend didn't enjoy together.
When this created tension after recent events, the girlfriend visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor ritetofly123 asked:
"AITA for hiding my boyfriend's anime body pillow while my parents were visiting?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (M[ale]/32) and I (F[female]/27) have been together for a year. He's only met my parents once over the holidays last year because they live pretty far away. They've been visiting this past week and since he and I just moved in together they were excited to see our new place, and get to know my BF a little more."
"We have an extra bedroom, and this has become my boyfriend's gaming room for the most part but we agreed when guests come over it would be a second bedroom. He really likes video games and anime in particular so he has a lot of toys and artwork that he's collected over the years from different games and such."
The OP continued:
"One thing he has is this anime body pillow that features a sexy anime girl on it. He also has a mousepad for his gaming computer that resembles a busty anime girl."
"Before my parents came over I asked him to take down his toys and stuff so they could be comfortable. I was upset to see that he left the body pillow and the mousepad in place."
"I don't really feel comfortable with either item but he's really into anime so I've always kind of left it alone. But I absolutely didn't think it was appropriate to leave it in there when my parents would be staying over."
"I took the cover off the body pillow and put the pillow in the closet and I put the mousepad in a drawer in our room."
"When my parents arrived and we showed them to their room, my BF noticed the missing pillow and mousepad. Later, when we were in bed, he brought it up to me and asked why I hid them. I told him I didn't think my parents would feel comfortable with those things in the bedroom and when they leave we can put them back."
The OP described the current situation.
"My BF got really upset. He told me that he feels like I'm ashamed of his interest in anime. He said he's spent his whole life feeling like people think he's weird for being into anime and he didn't expect his own GF to be 'just like everyone else.' "
"The next day, I noticed him taking some of his manga books off our bookshelf and putting them into a box. I asked him why and he said something like 'I'm putting them away so you don't have to look at them anymore.' "
"I feel really bad, I feel like I hurt him but I just really didn't think my parents would feel comfortable sleeping in a room with those items. But now he's just acting so distant and cold and he's not really engaging with my parents at all. They keep asking me what's wrong and I don't know what to say."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"There's a huge difference between anime/video game decorations and sexualized anime content."
"A busty mousepad and a sexy body pillow would most definitely make anyone feel uncomfortable; I get that it's his space too, but I think a small amount of compromise for a limited time isn't a problem at all."
"He might see it as you being embarrassed of his interests but the reality is most people aren't comfortable with sexualized decor, it's not about anime at all."
"NTA, he really needs to have more consideration for others." – Talkingmice
"Add to that the bit where he accuses her of being ashamed of him and goes out of his way to get his anime stuff out of her sight (is this gaslighting?)."
"This is a manipulative move meant to do nothing other than make her feel guilty, and it has worked. And to top it all off, he's pouting like a ten-year-old." – Beneficial-Ad4047
The OP came back with an update.
"Thank you for all of the responses. And sorry it took me a few days to update, I was waiting for my parents to leave so I could talk to my boyfriend about all of this."
"I read through the comments and it kind of validated something I already was feeling. Sexual decor aside, the way he acted the next day when he was putting the books away really bothered me. I ended up explaining the situation to my parents and they weren't exactly thrilled by his reaction either."
"I got the feeling after this trip that they don't really approve of him - which is neither here nor there, I'm 27 and I'm old enough to make my own choices."
"But above everything else, my parents mean a lot to me, I never get to see them, and it was important to me that my BF would be present and treat them well while they were here."
"After they left (I drove them to the airport - BF refused to come), I came back from the airport and found a couple trash bags outside the door. Turns out that once I left, my BF started throwing all of his anime things into these bags."
"I asked why and he said something along the same lines as before, that clearly his interests weren't welcome in 'my' home and he'd keep them in his car until he figured out what to do with them."
"I kinda snapped, I'd been keeping it together all week for my parents but I had enough at this point. I told him I never asked him to get rid of his anime stuff, just that it wasn't appropriate for my parents while they were staying with us."
"I told him this reaction is unfair and he's being manipulative. I told him that this week was supposed to be about him getting to know my parents but he was too fixated on this anime issue to even spend any real time with them."
"He then called me manipulative for making him believe that I was cool with his love for anime for the past year when I was clearly ashamed of it. He also said he didn't want to be a part of a family that doesn't appreciate anime (??)."
"We went back and forth for a while, and then I told him we needed space. I wasn't even really planning that, but it came out, and it felt like the right thing for me."
"Well, he then started crying a lot and apologizing and immediately tried to take back what he said but I was just done at this point. He left eventually, and now I'm alone in this apartment. Well and the mousepad and body pillow, lol. He left those behind."
"Anyway...I don't really know if we're broken up officially or what, but it seems to be heading that way. I'm just feeling awful, and I almost wish this had all happened before my parents visited because I feel like it tainted the whole trip."
"But yeah. Thanks for the replies, guys, and for helping me open my eyes a bit."
Reddit continued to weigh in.
"I'm not sure if it would be considered gaslighting, but it is definitely manipulation, alongside just being downright weird. it's not like she asked him to get rid of anything or made fun of him for liking it. she just made the (valid) point that her parents would probably be uncomfortable."
"She even says that the whole room is anime-themed/decorated. nothing else in there had to be hidden or moved, it was just the sexual stuff. obviously, if him liking anime was the issue here she would've made a bigger deal out of it." – oingyboingy7
"I'm a big anime nerd and never once wanted to buy a waifu pillow. My wife would definitely give me such a side eye if that appeared in our house, and deservedly so."
"Op partner thinks people look down on anime fans because they like cartoons, no, it's because of behaviour like having booby mousepads and weird lolita-esque body pillows." – Fantastic-Bother3296
"Dude, I just reread this. He is 32, and he couldn't figure out why sexualized cartoons and pillows shouldn't be in full view of guests."
"Is he generally a bit… off? Weird is, for the most part, awesome."-- Happydumptruck
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP and thought it was perfectly understandable why she hid the items that might be alarming for her parents to see.
While everyone is entitled to their "thing" regardless of age, Redditors didn't think the OP's actions warranted such dramatic angst from her boyfriend.
If they can't work past this, then perhaps this coupling was not meant to be.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.